25th July 2020 at 1:52 am #110987purpleunicorn20Participant
Why is it so hard to fully accept what he is doing isn’t okay. And why even when I do start thinking maybe his actions aren’t okay I still am scared to loose him.
I put my first post on the forum about 4 months ago. Since then on and off I come back to see others stories but also to figure out if it really is abuse. I still don’t know for sure however I think I am starting to believe it is. However I still feel like the world would end if I wasn’t with him.
The latest event was (detail removed by Moderator). He found out that I may have another male housemate (detail removed by Moderator). He wasn’t happy. This resulted in a big row, he said he felt so uncomfortable with it and would probably break up with me and he hung up the phone. This was the very early hours of the morning. Even though I knew he was being silly about it I went into panic mode and called him 101 times. But nothing. Anyways, I am now getting into bed (detail removed by Moderator) and I still haven’t heard from him at all (detail removed by Moderator). 0 contact since he hung up (detail removed by Moderator).
Now I’ve been an absolute mess today. Even though I know he shouldn’t be acting like this and giving me the silent treatment I can’t help but feel broken. I’ve tried to call him several times today but nothing. I literally feel lost without him.
I don’t even know what to do anymore.
25th July 2020 at 10:15 am #110989EggshellsParticipant
Im sorry that you are experiencing this.
It sounds like you could be trauma bonded to him. You can google “trauma bonding Betterhelp” for a really clear explanation of this.
The silent treatment is a control tool. I’ve precised next bit from a psychology blog.
The silent treatment is designed to manipulate and subjugate the receiver of the silent treatment to make you submit and comply. It’s passive aggressive. The aim is to cause discomfort and distress until you succumb and give in to him just so that things can go back to “normal”. Once it does go back to “normal” the periods of “honeymoon” behavior will decrease along with increasing amounts of abuse.
It can be really hard to accept that our OH is abusive. There are lots of reasons for this. You believe that you love him and therefore you try to reconcile his behaviour. Try googling “cognitive dissonance” to see how this works.
What should you do? You might be in a better position to work out what to do once you’ve had a look at trauma bonding and congnitive dissonance. The more you read up, the more you will understand. You are seeing “red flags”. They are indicative of an abuser and it won’t ever get better, it’ll just get worse.
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