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Been having a rough few weeks and I suppose just want to get off my chest before it drags me down (my biggest fear) so sorry if it’s a long winded post! Couple of things that are bringing me down, Firstly it’s coming up to the (detail removed by Moderator) anniversary (if you want to call it that) since I took the step and walked out, I got an interdict and exclusion order and have gone no contact, blocking him off everything – Although he managed to make contact through some friends and family members. He took the separation really bad, as these n**********c and abusive people do, I have always said to myself I’m not going to hate him and try and be as amicable as possible so that I can be the better person, I have managed to do this but it is so hard when there’s days I want to hate him so much and sometimes wish he was 6ft under (not literally but you know what I mean). I stupidly (without telling him)started to feel sorry for him and unblocked him from text and messenger about (detail removed by Moderator) months ago all was fine still no contact then wham in (detail removed by Moderator) he started messaging out of the blue, then he would use (detail removed by Moderator) phone, mostly nice messages but when I never replied they would get quite horrible again, that much I blocked his and (detail removed by Moderator) number. Hard as it was I was able to continue the no contact. He then joined instagram and started liking my pictures, following me then unfollowing and messaging. I then had to make my account private, contemplating coming off it but then I think why should I, ive already taken off my Facebook account because when I liked or commented on anything he would do the same and I would get notification – I needed a break from social media, which has helped but now he is doing the same with instagram liking and commenting on friends pictures if he knows I’ve liked, a friend has also noticed him doing this on his posts so I know it’s not just me being paranoid. The reason I started feeling sorry for him was he seemed to be making an effort, stopping drinking, going to counselling and going on antidepressants, he asked through a third party if I would write to him (detail removed by Moderator) (part of his counselling) I stupidly thought I was helping him but he has since Tried to used this againsT me with my solicitor, but has only made him look stupid when I’ve explained why.
He is now in a new relationship Which I am fine about although it Just seems very calculated (Can’t think of a better word for it) – she’s the same ages as me, used to work with him, has kids and lives round the corner from (detail removed by Moderator), I need to pass her house to go to (detail removed by Moderator), which since lockdown has relaxed I’ve been reluctant to go and see (detail removed by Moderator) – I used to always go see (detail removed by Moderator) and he knows this. Right up until a few days before him making it official he was messaging, telling me he loved me, I was the only one for him and he didn’t want anyone else and would take a long time to get over me, doing these Facebook anniversary quizzes etc but then he does this…… it hurts That everything he said was a lie and it hurts when a friend has told me he has taken all our pictures together off his Facebook as if I have never existed – we were together ** years and I did so much for him when no one else wanted to know him!
The second thing that’s getting to me and I know it shouldn’t is the comments that people are making on his Facebook and instagram pages saying they are glad to see him happy again or finally happy, doing things with the gf and her kids but when I asked to go out for the day he would never get up spend it in bed (that was the same if he suggested something, I would be up early excited to be going out for the day but I would have to pester him to get up which would then cause an atmosphere) we would only be able to go out at night when he was up a day wasted. The ones that are commenting are ones that have never liked me and ones that only known him since we separated or never really knew the real him, just the nice kind guy he wanted them to know. Thankfully my solicitor has seen right through him! We did talk about having kids but after he had an accident his mood swings, threatening and abusive behaviour escalated resulting in me making the decision that I couldn’t and didn’t want to bring a child into that environment regardless of him saying a family would change him.
He has been difficult with my solicitor too, he has said to a friend he needs his divorce sorted quickly (because he is now in a new relationship) but won’t do anything about it, his last solicitor stopped acting for him. I was going to be paying for the divorce when things seemed amicable and he was single but I’m now not doing it as he told (detail removed by Moderator) if I want a divorce I can pay for it he’s not so he’ll be getting a taste of his own medicine! He won’t even arrange a time/date to collect the last of his things he was wanting – that was (detail removed by Moderator) ago.
Where I walk he passes me regularly, he does (detail removed by Moderator) – doesn’t matter what route or time (detail removed by Moderator) I still seem him at least once. If I don’t see him a few days and then all of a sudden I do there is repercussions – change in fb picture, update of status, a visit to my in-laws that I’m in contact with or he will message a friend random stuff for my benefit.
I do know deep down that I have made the right decision to leave and don’t regret my decision. Like many of you on this forum just wished he would have changed for the better.
I know I don’t want to get back with him I’m just getting frustrated with myself for feeling like this and feeling pulled down emotionally that I can’t get out of feeling this way.
Any words of wisdom gratefully received. ❤️
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I had to laugh. My ex new gf lived round the corner from my parents too. It makes you wonder. My advice is to come off all social media. You can email or WhatsApp close friends. Tell everyone that you do not wish to know what he’s doing or to hear his name unless you’re in immediate danger. Keep any dealings with your solicitor and his short and only deal with what’s totally relevant to your legal circumstances. Ignore everything else and tell your solicitor to stick to the relevanT facts. Any contact at all with these men is toxic and all their outer behaviour is a game and a facade. They are delusional pathological liars. A good mantra when you find yourself getting dragged back into his delusional world is ‘step back from the crazy’. The reason for coming off all social media is to restrict the wounds he can still inflict through anyone you have mutual contact with. Eventually you can return when it won’t affect you. In fact you will see his game and have a laugh, but now it’s dragging you down. I can guarantee his new partner has a world of pain coming here way. Again my ex went for someone vulnerable and in a circle I knew. It’s deliberate and designed to get a reaction, don’t give him one x
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Regarding his belongings. Dump them at a friend as soon as possible. Mine left his for years constantly using it as a point of argument when he was told from day one to send someone round to collect them. Lying to anyone that would listen how I was refusing his stuff. Get rid of it now. Close that Door in his face ASAP.
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Thanks KIP.
My solicitor has been very good and has been blunt and to the point with him in her responses, she is highly recommended in family law. Have instructed her for the moment we will refrain from communicating with him as I was becoming aware it was just a game to him all the going back and fore with emails and as he doesn’t have a solicitor wasn’t costing him anything to be an a*se. He was in our street (detail removed by Moderator) the other week and my neighbour said he waved at her and her husband as if nothing had ever happened (he caused problems with them while he was living at ours) Thankfully she knows what he is like and it was herself that called the police on him a couple of times when he would go nuts – she herself had been in an abusive relationship and said she feared for me as knew what it was like.
When I do read posts or hear about what he is doing I will get annoyed for a very short moment then usually laugh it off and remember that I am better off without him but this last wee while the annoyance has lasted longer and as I say is annoying me that I am allowing myself to feel this way and giving him my air space.
Yes I had thought about doing that, I would need to get someone to help as I would need to hire a van too much to put in the back of the car and with the dvla rules I can’t drive a van 😔 I don’t like asking friends especially as quite a few are mutual as I feel I’m asking them to take sides or get involved.
He still needs to agree to sell the house and what we are getting from it – he came into this relationship with nothing so is my intention he goes out the same way!
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I remember that feeling when he simply carried on like he had done nothing wrong. Any decent human being would be full of remorse, hang their head in shame and move town. Just shows the total lack of empathy. You may feel like you’re laughing it off but it stings deeper for a long time. He may have rights to the marital home so make sure he cannot return. My solicitor told me he could leave his stuff there because he had rights to the home but the police told me to put his stuff in the shed which I did. He was told where it was and chose to leave it there so when he got it back he wasn’t pleased. I do remember my solicitor asking me to clean his stuff before I returned it 🙈. She was useless x
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Sorry to say your solicitor does sound useless. He obviously does have some rights to the house just not to enter them without my say so. He has no way of accessing the house as the back gate is always padlocked and I have had the locks changed on instruction and approval from the solicitor and woman’s aid (they both advised I should have this done – he is not aware of this).
He is aware all his things are bagged up for collection and has been told he needs to take everything from the shed too with no third party assistance. He thought I would caved and let him come into the house with supervision to collect his things and wasn’t pleased when I declined as I knew he would use this to intimidate me – With it being at the start of lockdown i would have been at home and not been able to get anyone round to facilitate him being there.
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