Why is so hard to leave him?

[mentalexhaustion]

Hi, it took me a while to find the strength to admit and talk about being in an unhealthy relationship.
I have been with my husband from when we were teenagers and it’s hard to admit the abuse started back then. I was deeply in love with him and he made me feel it was always my fault for his behaviour. I was so afraid of losing him and I accepted his behaviour and even defended him in front of my family when they found out. I was beaten to a pulp by him, threatened and controlled by him for many years when we were younger but in his good moments he was kissing my feet and being apologetic for his behaviour. A few years in our relationship we had a son and I remember him questioning me if he is his child, back then I didn’t pay much thought to his words because as I said he was my world. The abuse continued, he beat me, smashing furniture, throwing chairs out the window and so on. I always tried to keep quiet and never stand up for myself because I was so embarrassed of what people would say about me. I tried few times to leave him without any luck as he always threatened he will take my son away from me and he would hurt my family. I had a few quiet years with him until recently. We had disagreements over the years regarding how to raise our child for example but even if he got angry he would leave the house until he calmed himself down but I always had that fear things will escalate at some point. Fast forward to today and why I feel I’m going crazy and even I decided I’m going to leave him and I found it hard to actually take action and move on. In the last few months things escalated from smashing (detail removed by Moderator) to smashing his phone, (detail removed by Moderator) and threatening to smash my car and because I started the fight((detail removed by Moderator)) I had to stay to listen to him now, from kicking me out the door after throwing a drink all over me and threatening he is going to show me who is he and that I (detail removed by Moderator) to actually destroying the (detail removed by Moderator) at which point I called the police but still didn’t press any charges. That was our (detail removed by Moderator) huge fight and when we try to talk about what happened he doesn’t admit it’s his fault, it’s my fault we got to this point again. This time something shifted and no matter how much he tries to convince me he is going to change I can see he’s only manipulating me. He won’t he admit his mistakes and he’s not willing to reach out for help. I don’t enjoy going home from work, I leave with fear all the time, I don’t trust him anymore and I just want to leave him and find the strength to move on. I’m happy when I’m away from him but at the same time sad I wasted (detail removed by Moderator) decades from my life. I started to take some action like contacting women’s aid, I have been chatting to my gp and being referred to see a mental health nurse but nothing seems to give me the strength to make a decision and I feel I’m wasting everyone’s time.
Sorry for the long post, any advice you can give me is greatly appreciated.

[Happybelle]

Very well done. I’m probably no help at all here but just from how I feel, the fact that you’re here is a big step and I expect you’re finally feeling more ready to get yourself out of this awful situation. You’re not alone and there’ll be plenty of people to chat with along the way x

[mentalexhaustion]

Happybelle, I know I’m a step closer to leaving him. With some strength I will be out next week and hopefully I will stay strong and away from him. Definitely you helped by replying to my message xx

[Leaf]

I was in the same kind of relationship.

You did your first step, nothing is easy but you are on your way out.Be patient everything happen on the right time, if this is your moment go for it and good luck we all need it.

[Stargazing1]

It is hard to leave relationships. We forgive them so easily and I sometimes pretend it’s not occurring. Your story will be familiar with many others here . My heart goes out to you . Our relationship was bad quite a while back I didn’t leave then. Its gone full circle and happening again. Apparently its all my fault.

[Stargazing1]

I know I might sound weak and I probably am . I do forgive people all the time . Please forgive me for not having a lot of courage. Thank you.

[Stargazing1]

Mentalexhaustion , I’m so sorry to hear your story. So many of us put up surrounded by horrible people. We do our best to put up with it but it’s not right . I don’t know who these people think they are . Please take care of yourself and please be kind to yourself too. Sending lots of love.

[Happybelle]

Thank you all, and Stsrgazing. I hadn’t seen the replies come through until today. It is exactly that- exhausting. And the constant going round in circles with the same behaviours followed by better behaviours followed by “false alarm” it’s still bad behaviours.

[CuddlyCandy]

I feel for you, I am also preparing to leave, which is made all the harder by the fact that he’s being his best self at the moment. You are not to blame. Stay strong / you are doing the right thing x

[StrongLife]

It took me a long time and reaching out a lot to just leave. Too long in fact.

Keep going. I too have spoken to people recently to help out. I feared for him finding me (yet again). I too went to counseling but wrong type of counselling. I did not find good one at the time.

Just keep moving forward.

[Author]

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