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I honestly believed that once things were set in place that things would get better but that’s not the case at all. He constantly tries to find a way to keep me under control.
How do we stand up to these men? Anytime I have to liaise with him about something I feel desperate and anxious. I should just be able to say this is how it is and that’s that but it no use. I’m always crippled by fear of his reactions to things.
Myself and children still haven’t got our own place so I’m very much supported but I dread to think how it’ll be when I do x -
Same; moving into somewhere just me and my child terrifies me. Although, I think we’re different LR in that I will stand up to him, only in email mind, never face to face but this has got me nowhere really, it only angers him more so. There’s always the next issue to deal with, the chaos he creates that I am forced into dealing with. If I dnt have t deal with I wont, but when he involves the authorities we have no other choice than to gather ourselves and pick up wade through what needs doing.
The way I see it, the system, the law does not recognise emotional abuse or its hard to see, even though it’s quite obviously and in plain sight to me and those who know what to ask and what to look for. The current family law oppressors women and children, does not support the mother, does not recognise that when he is controlling and abusive towards the mother this impacts on the child, that he simply cant be a good enough dad when he doesnt support the mother. Soloman’s ruling needs to apply here in my mind, the child needs to live with one parent and the other parent’s role is to support, and if he or she for that matter can’t, then this parent needs to step back and away. This is much better for the child, having one fully functioning parent rather than the present situation, a useless father and semi functioning mum.
I really feel for those kids in a 50/50 situation, what a riddiculous idea this is, it ONLY works if both parents live in the same neighbourhood and the children are free / old enough to choose.
If it was his role in law to support you we wouldnt all be here now hey, he either supports or clears off. We’re so afraid of traumatising the child through seperation from a parent that the authorities fail to see how damaging this is when we don’t, the child is much better off and manages this well. Your childhood is always normal to you, kids adapt very well, its not until we age that we start to see that our sititauion was far from typical when living with an abusive parent.
It’s hard because there is only really emotional support available to us, very little in terms of what can actually be done – unless he’s battering you and the child. In family law they dont even recognise DA as having anything to do with it – which is mad. The law now recognises coercive control and family court should too but it’s behind with this at the mo, the what does it mean here in relation to the child part.
A mum cant be a good enough parent without support from the dad, this support can come from elsewhere too of course, as long as she is supported she can mother well; but throw him and the torment that goes with this, the constant picking and kicking at her through the child and eventually, over time, she is worn down and struggling to function – she is disabled by him, she simply can not be the best mother she can be for the child – not possible.
When couples seperate and are able to put the child first because there is no abuse, these dad’s fully recognise that by supporting mum this helps to give their child/ren what they need.
It’s hard because we’re always up against it with no exit route when you share a child and little to no protection and help from anyone that can actually do anything. All we can do is stand in our truth and keep going, hoping that one day someone will listen and will actually be able to respond and help x
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We have to have actual proof don’t we which isn’t always easy is it? Mine is clever and sends clear, precise messages looking like a sensible father with simply the best interests of the child yet face to face is on a campaign to undermine and manipulate. Nothing I ever say or do is right and he takes every opportunity to criticize how I parent and care for our child.
He is only happy if things are going his way and on his terms. He takes great pleasure in seeing me upset and doing stuff he knows will get to me.
Why oh why did I allow myself to get wrapped up with this man. Hindsight is a wonderful thing of course!
How the hell am I supposed to make decisions about anything anymore?? X -
Hello Lavender Rose, I read your last post also and we sound in a similar situation with our ex using children as a means to continue controlling and coercive behaviour. I often feel like giving up as it all seems so relentless and this behaviour and it’s impact on us and on the children so poorly understood. I hope you are having a better day today… the supportive replies you have received to your posts have strengthened me also and so I want to thank you for posting and thank all of you who have responded with your wisdom x
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Thankyou for posting, as I am also in a similar situation with regards to feeling so anxious at every bit of contact. As soon as I see his name pop up on my phone, my heart starts racing, my hands start shaking and I instantly worry what he’s saying/what I’ve done etc.
I feel very hopeless at the moment, as I have a young baby and I feel like my ex is going to control and bully me for the rest of my life using my baby as a means to do this.
My ex is also being very clever now since I left, in the wording he uses in his messages, he tries to make me look crazy, trying to discredit me and make me seem like I’m being difficult with regards to contact because I don’t want to meet him on my own, but I also don’t want his family to come as it’s a very anxious situation for me never mind having his parents there too who condone his behaviour. -
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Thankyou IWMB
I have been trying to pause and talk it through with my parents before I reply.
I’ve tried to offer suggestions of contact, and I think make reasonable compromises with what he wasn’t comfortable with because he didn’t want to come to my parents house.
But now he’s insisting his parents come to see my baby too and I’m just not ready for that, is it ok to say no? Or am I being unreasonable? -
Thanks ladies 💗 this whole situation is just awful. This forum has helped me no end!
I have only allowed contact with the ex other family members need to see her on his time and like you’ve said they clearly condone his behaviour as they’ve not once been in touch to check how things are. Only when contact was stopped did they eventually contact me like there was no problem! X -
Hi Indecisivegirl, you are the primary carer, whatever you decide goes. If his parents want to see your child they do it in his time, and if you don’t want to be there can you use a 3rd party as mediator. With them condoning his behaviour it gives him the confidence to belittle you more. As long as you keep a journal of handovers, was he on time/late, return child on time/late,who was present, if anything was said, if childs behaviour changes. Remember he’ll do anything to keep you at his bidding, everything still on his terms. If you can get something in writing with a reasonable amount of leeway included that would be great but often as not this only works once court is involved and that gets expensive. Always trust your gut, if something feels off, even though you can’t put your finger on it, trust that something is off.
Good luck xx
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