Why push me away…….

[mixed-up mum]

My son and me are not on the best of terms tonight.

His father rang to make arrangements for what was taking place at the weekend, and he started tell telling me things I didn’t know, things our son had told HIM and not ME……WHY????

He lives here with me all the time, and sees his dad once, sometimes twice a week.
For the 4-5hrs hes at his dad his dad has no internet, and so has got his undevided attention, there is no Xbox, no tablet, so they either watch TV or talk.

Where as when hes at home with me the X box and tablet go on the minute hes in the door, and stay on until he goes to bed.
He closes his bedroom door, and is in there all night, the only time we see him is at teatime, and then we might (just MIGHT) get some conversation out of him!!!

So his father tells me tonight (that hes told him) that he has a date for starting College, he never told me this, he told his dad were his placement would be when he goes to college, he never told me….
Him and his dad are going to Pics on (detail removed by Moderator) night, he never told me, yet (just like his dad) he swears he told me (when he didn’t) but (like his dad, he’d argue ’til he was blue in the face!!!) Like his dad, convinced HE’S right I’M wrong!!

Then when I said why do you tell your dad all this and not me – well then he has the cheek to say “maybe because he asks me” – well I would ask him things too IF he would sit and talk TO ME…..IF he does come out of his room for a few minutes before bedtime, and sits with his sister and me, he still sits there with headphones on and tablet in hand – so still not really WITH us…..

Its HIS choice to spend all his time alone in his room, its his choice not to spend time with his sister and me, its his choice to wear the headphones, therefore in effect ‘blocking’ us out……

Then he has the nerve to say I don’t ask him things……

Why’s he pushing me away……what have I done thats SO bad…..he has forgotten already what it was like living with his father…..

IT WASN’T MEANT TO BE LIKE THIS…….

[godschild]

So sorry this is happening to you M.U.M, you must feel very very hurt. It sounds like your son is hurting as well and maybe he feels safer being like this with you than his Dad, because he knows deep down who is his better parent YOU.
I think the children feel afraid of going against the abusive one, as they know how manipulative they have been.
My son when at home was so so caring to me and supportive, yet now many years on an he is married he sites me as part of all of this and it really hurts as he was also subject to abuse in his teen years, I know the pain of a child being unkind to you his Mom when its his dad who is the abuser.
Could you maybe say to him, that you will set time aside to have a good chat about his college etc, could yo maybe take him out somewhere just you and him and see if this helps.
My son used to be in his room , all the time, he even ate up there, he has been married for several years now and is a fine young man, with a good job.
The only thing that is very upsetting is how he views the situation here an he will not discuss any of it with me or give me any support.
They have to go through so much watching us abused and maybe even themselves and they find it hard to handle and I think take it out on us as they cant articulate confronting the abuser.
A Lady I know who use to live by me, said her two girls who are now grown up and were hit by their abusive father , still run and bow and scrape him when he calls, yet one says she hate him, they are still afraid to do wrong.
Your son may feel that he cant behave as he is at home , (how he really feels)with his Dad and that he has to talk to him to keep him happy but feels he can be like this with yo as he knows you are his Mum and care so much for him, its safer to be like this with you, however as a mum who cares and works hard it hurts so much, but we always hurt the closet to us they say and I would say your Son feels closer to you and more able to test you to the limit and behave how he really feels.

M

[Serenity]

I was going to write you a response that was virtually word for word what Godschild has written, M.U.M.

He is treating you like this because he knows or thinks he can. He knows you love him really. He is acting out. Kids are frightened to stand up to their abusers, so this is a big telltale sign.

I agree that maybe you could respond to your son by talking to him lightly about career decisions/ college etc. My son gets annoyed if I get overly involved ( he likes to think he is in charge of his own life) but I engage with him a little to let him know he can ask my advice without me trying to control things, and still make him feel in control of his life. If I ever feel really concerned about anything, I will say.

Also, I wanted to share that I had a letter in the post from my eldest’s school careers department, a summary of a careers interview they had with him six months ago. On it, there was a question about how your parents encourage you to achieve your career goals.

Though he hardly sees his dad and has told me he thinks his dad is fake, on this form I was very surprised to see that he had put that his dad is strict and pushes him to achieve his aims.

I was very upset inside, as I know my ex not only never engaged in his kids’ schooling, but he actively tried to sabotage my son’s achievements! I have been to talk to the teachers, bought him a laptop, ordered him revision books, you name it.

My ex takes my youngest out to music gigs during the week, so that my youngest doesn’t even have time to do homework there.

All I can think of is that my ex must have been giving him the spiel one day, as part of his act, maybe behaving like he cared and was the better parent. My son must have been hoodwinked around that time. I also think our kids want to believe their abusive parent is better than they are. It’s too painful for them to face reality.

Keep on doing what you are doing, providing a warm and secure home, and try to lightly chat about things like college when the time seems right.

When I ran parenting courses, the course advised to chat to teenagers on car journeys. The car via a safe, private place and because you are looking ahead, not directly at each other, the teenager doesn’t feel overwhelmed and is more likely to open up about things.

Some of the best chats take place during car journeys!

Don’t think that his chatting to his dad is a bad reflection on you. Your ex might have just decided to have a ‘man to man’ chat with him, or your ex might even have done this purposely, to try to get one over on you, knowing you’d feel ousted? I don’t know your ex and so don’t know his tactics.

If you are concerned about your son’s future, as his mother you have every right to ask a few questions x

[godschild]

Hi M.U.M How are you ,unusual not to see you on here,so hope all is ok with you followoing the post about your son xx

[mixed-up mum]

Hi Godschild and thank you for noticing I was gone, and thank you for taking the time and the trouble to care about me.

I’m OK thanks – will send you a PM later – but I can’t say how much I appreciated you thinking about me.

♥ 🙂 ♥

x*x

[Confused123]

HI sweetie

Hope today was a better day for u, totally agree with what the ladies have said, we are seen as the safe parent and how kids respond to us and there dad will be totally different, same way we are processign everything the kids are doing the same, dont worry if his in room most of the day, my boys are the same , one is on the ps4 and the other is on his mobile. Slowly they will start connecting with u, my eldest who is emotionally effected from seeing the abuse, he willnever ask me how my day was, but i still ask him everyday, i still saying morning to him daily and u know what slowly , very slowly i am seeing small baby step in progress, and u will soon too, small example can include sometimes he willjust say come to shop with me or go for a walk, he willbe totally silent but me been with him means a lot

[mixed-up mum]

Morning ladies – thank you for your replies, and I’m sorry I did not respond to you, I have been a bit low and was struggling for a few days, didn’t have the strength to reply.

I’m sorry as this was very rude of me, and I really DO appreciate you taking the time and trouble to try and help and advise me.

Godschild – you are right he IS affraid of his dad, and I KNOW he would never (and doesn’t) give his dad the ‘attitude’ that he gives me. He once did try it when we were at his father’s discussing what he was doing after leaving school, and he actually didn’t want to go there (neither of us did, but his father called the ‘meeting) and so he did go there with a bit of ‘attitude’ and his father said “what’s wrong with you (obviously not used with seeing him this way!!) and quick as a flash he changed and was civil and chatty!!!

So I know he’s scared to go against his dad and I know he is scared of him.

I know it is probably ‘normal’ for a teenager to be in there room a lot, but I’d like him to spend even an hour a day with his sister and me, just to chat or even just watch something in TV with us.

That’s what gets me when he’s at his dad’s (with no internet) he’s there watching TV and chatting, for 5-6hrs and yet I doubt if he spends that with his sister and me in a whole WEEK!!! 🙁 🙁

Yes I think you are totally right, he IS affraid to do ‘wrong’ with his father and feels he has to ‘keep him happy’

Serenity – yeah my son is the same, doesn’t like me ‘fussing’ over him too much, and yes it is frustrating when you are the parent who does everything, and sees to everything, and yet all out if there blue dad steps up and suddenly decides to take a mmore ”active” role.

Yes you are so right, my son does chat away better in the car, I get far more out of him in a car journey, than I ever would do at home!!!

I think with his dad if HE asks questions my son it too affraid to give him back chat or stomp off, and he feels he can do that with me as he’s not scared of me.

Confused123 – thank you for reassuring me that you sons are the same, in their rooms a lot – I know as you say I will just have to plod away, and keep the channels of communication open, and hope that one day he will come to me and WANT to talk…..
I wish I could get my son to go a walk to the shop with me, or even a proper walk, but he really hates walking ( when we had a dog when he was younger he detested walking) – BUT he WILL walk with his dad and his dog now…..you see that’s the difference – he won’t dare say no to his dad…..

Thank you all for your support and advice, means such a lot.

Thanks.

x*x

[godschild]

Hi M.U.M, no need at all to apologise for not answering, im sure everyone understands that sometimes we don’t even feel able to talk on here, we need space, thats what this forum is all about accepting each other where we are.
I don’t think you are rude in anyway xx
Its so hard with our children , we concern so much over them, especially when they have witnessed abuse but all you can do is continue to love him, set some bounderies where necessary and understand that he is hurting, albeit that it hurts you so much, us moms seem to have to carry so much pain with our children and the way they treat us, but he does trust your love enough to be himself not doing what his father wants to keep him happy, as he gets older he may well start to react to his dad, deep down he knows who is the good parent x

[Confused123]

Hi HUn

u dont need to apoligize and like godschild said u never come accross as rude. Dont worry if your child not going fo r walks with u , my walks arent regular either they are just the odd one in blue moon, again your prob thinking i owuldnt even mind that , kids call out to us in all different ways, my youngest plays up sometimes just cause he wants more attention from me, i have been working with my eldest for 18 nmomths and it has been a total roller coaster from him making me cry to wanting to be with me but unable to express himself, example can be when we go to court together he will play songs with such deep meanings but i get the message he is trying to say and i actually discuss with him, he will be silent the whole time but he takes in what im saying, we just have to keep trying different things, u sound like a brill mum too , it takes time to understand what they trying to say, i would recommend just hugging him ocassionaly, that sound weird cause its such a natrual thing to do, but when i left my partner my son thought it was wrong to have any ohysical contact with me , even if i sat on the corner of bed to chat with him while he was on opposite side he thought it was wrong, only 18 months forward is he accepting i can hug him, its ok if i say i l love him loads its not dirty , he can sit beside him, ifn men look aT me, it doesnt mean im gonna jumo in bed with them and sleep with them, its just horrible how they get your kids to think and we never noticed, so please dont be hard on yourself , i bet your son loves you more than anything but just doesnt know how to express himself , when my son told his counsellor how important i was and how much he loves me i could of just cried

[mixed-up mum]

Hiya Godschild and Confused123 – thank you both for your replies to me. 🙂

I have been feeling low, and lonely and not able to come on here and chat to others, or offer advice and help – just don’t feel strong enough – cant cope with my own problems and worries right now, never mind other peoples.

He’s away with his father now – getting work clothes for his new job – and his father said he would give him his tea tonight – well my son wants to come home for tea – so I expect he’ll will be with us to eat – his dad took him to Rugby the other night – and he told his dad he had homework to do (rather than go there for his tea – and his father believed him!!) so tats what confuses me – he wants to be here rather than at his dads (but is that only because I have internet and his father doesn’t??) but then he will talk to his dad and tell his dad things and sit in his fathers company for 5-6hrs and he wont spend that with ME in a whole week!! SO Im confused…….

got o go

[mixed-up mum]

Sorry my mam walked in and saw me on here before I could close it down – I don’t know how much she saw or could read – but I don’t want her coming on here and reading my innermost thoughts and feelings…….
In order to tell a story you have to say certain things – and those certain things are things that no one else would know about you, except those very closest to you – who actually know your things about your daily life……this as a safe place where I could come on and say anything and tell you all things and not be afraid – I just hope and pray my mum doesn’t realise what I was doing on here – I think she would have been able to read the women’s aid part at the top – but what else I don’t know…..

Its SO important for me to be able to come on here and talk openly and freely – and yet if the story is edited too much it makes no sense to those of you reading it, if too many bits get cut out…..

Oh Im so disappointed she walked in on me before I could close it down – she had no idea I come on here – and I cant tell her so much of what goes on in my life for she judges me – interferes – takes over – takes charge, and makes me feel even more low and down about my life she s very domineering and very patronising and pessimistic and I just don’t need that in my life – I wanted to keep this part of my life secret from her – I was safe on here to say anything and not be judged…….

[mixed-up mum]

I just don’t want her interfering in my life – when she was here to day – she TOLD ME that I would need to have tea ready earlier at nights when my son is working at his summer job – as “he will be hungry and need his tea as soon as he gets in” – well I cant be doing with her coming in here and TELLING me what I should be doing.

That’s exactly why I don’t tell her anymore what goes on in my life – I cannot handle her dictating to me what I should and shouldn’t do – Im a 40 something – I’ve been left home over 25 years – I have two teenage kids – I cant cope with my mother dictating to me what I have to do – that’s why I choose to keep certain parts of my life free from her – I cant cope with her judging my life and how I live – and telling me what I need to do with my kids – that’s why I’ve stopped asking her for advice – she is often SO negative about my kids and SO pessimistic about the way I chose to look after them – and she always puts me down – never give me praise for anything, never encouraging me or giving me any positive advice – all so negative…..

[mixed-up mum]

This was the one place I was safe – safe to share anything I chose to share with you all – an I don’t want my mother to be a part of this – she has no idea the effect she has on me – I KNOW she ‘means well’ – and she is totally oblivious to how much her words can hurt and affect me – how much she upsets my with spouting forth her views on how things ‘should be’ done -how I should handle my kids – how I should live my life – I spent too many years being controlled by my ex – and I just cant let my mam step in and ‘take his place’…….

I know she THINKS she is helping – and she has helped me so much with money – I don’t know how I would have gotten by if it had not been for her – but helping me with money does not mean that she can tell me how to live my life.

I just want to handle my problems MY WAY – not HER WAY – I have different ways of doing things and her way is not always the way that I would chose to deal with things – Im softer than her – gentler nature – shes tough and hard, and the way she sees things is not always how I see things in life…….

Im just more laid back than her, and I don’t always jump to the worst conclusion right away – she always sees things as worst case scenario – and that gets me down………

This was a tiny part of my life that was free from her and her views, and opinions and he influence – it was my secret place where I could get help and not be judged or looked down on by anyone…….

Im just SO worried she has found this place, my secret place – I never wanted her to know I came here – she’s not stupid – she will work this out………

[godschild]

Oh M.U.M you don’t need this worry with your Mom, does she use the computer much and would she fund her way to the forum do you think,its awful if she looked at what you were doing privately, especially as she is so bossy.
As you say this is the one place where you can share your feelings and private things you would not share with her.
You are already feeling low and now this.
My Mom was quite manipulative with me so know how you feel, I used to try to cover it up.
Hope you can get peace on this you need to feel safe to talk on here xx

[mixed-up mum]

Hi Godschild – and thank YOU so much for taking the time to read what I have written, and to reply with words of support.

Yes she is good on a computer and can look up anything – so I fear I have lost my one safe place now…..

I THOUGHT I had closed it down as I saw her coming, but in my rush to do it it didn’t work, I was horrified when I turned around and it had been on for her to see all along…..

I tell the ladies on here things no one else knows…..

I don’t want my family to know this things……and now she is free to look anytime……..

I have sent you a private message.

Thank YOU.

x*x

[Author]

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