21st March 2016 at 8:55 am #11987White RoseParticipant
I posted a while ago that my divorce was final and my financial settlement had gone through courts. He’s slowly going through his side of things from the settlement, mine are all pretty much sorted thanks to amazing solicitor.
I’ve agreed an offer for sale of the second property we own, so now waiting on all the stress and uncertainty that goes with house sale to start up now!
I’m looking for somewhere to buy and it feels strange. I can see properties he’d never even look at. I can make plans for the home I want, not what he wants and I needed to agree with or compromise on simply to keep the peace. I don’t actually need to do it all on the cheap and can have a few luxuries without feeling guilty for spending the money on some special things I’ve always wanted and would have bought if I’d been allowed to. I’ve still got to be careful with money but the pressure’s less and I can choose.
I can upcycle and make things for my home, and so can my daughter. They may not be perfect but we’ll have fun doing it and he won’t be there telling us how it “should” be done or taking over or making comments that just made us give up previously.
I can take time to decide on colour schemes and curtains and not be rushed into buying something just because “we need to do this this weekend.” I can choose the fridge freezer I want too – one I can reach the top shelf of since I’m vertically challenged (i.e. pretty short!!)
I’m looking forward to having a housewarming with my friends, probably friends we both shared will come too. I’ll be accepting their offer of bringing a salad or a pudding and knowing it’s because they want to and it will be great to say yes to them as he’s not there wanting me to make it so he has TOTAL control over the event. He never understood that it was ok bring and share. So I ended up in the kitchen cooking and was often so tired and sick of the sight of food I never ate it myself I served cleared up washed up and he enjoyed the parties.
He thinks I can’t do it, “this getting on with my life thing”. He forgets I was a mature professional woman who had moved around the country with work for years before I met him and he wore me down. I know how to do things. I’ve remembered my strengths. I’m not stupid. Things I don’t know, I ask an expert to help me with and I get answers from that expert, not my ex who thought he was an expert at everything and actually was only expert at control and abuse.
He’s moved someone new into the “marital home” she’ll be sleeping in the bed we once shared, eating off plates I had as gifts over the years and cooking with the beautiful pans I saved hard for when I bought my first home donkeys years ago. She’ll have the pleasure of the garden I planted. She’ll also have the “pleasure” of his company, plus the negative side of sharing his bed. I wonder how long it will be before the honeymoon period is over for her? She’s victim 3.
I’m finally having some better days. What he did and continues to try to do will never go away but I know I’m going to be ok, and hope my daughter is too.
Wherever you are on this journey keep positive as life does slowly get better.
21st March 2016 at 9:09 am #11988AnonymousInactive
This all sounds great. I’m really pleased that it is all coming together for you. Don’t worry about what you have left behind. Your new things can be just as special
21st March 2016 at 12:14 pm #12001missgiddypantsParticipant
all hail that !!! its great getting your own place without their influence ,I decided against buying !!
which was all well and good but the stress of worrying about finding a place that allows dogs was horrid but I did it ,looking back now I had the stress of my divorce (he divorced me ) stress of selling my marital home and him coming round to the house and still controlling me but X years on I’ve survived I got rid of some of the things from my house like pots n pans gave my sister my dinner service ,got rid of some ornaments ,moved in and 2 days later had a beano in Poundstretcher ,as I need new curtains as my old ones not fit my windows and changed my cushion covers ,best thing was buying things without him saying you only bought it cos it was cheap ,still have some things from my old house all the furniture but my place
is full of peace and quiet ,that’s if you count dog snoring at quiet ,hope all goes well for you xx
21st March 2016 at 2:46 pm #12010SerenityParticipant
What an inspirational post!
I can really feel your joy and excitement: I think in another life, I may have been an interior designer or something, because I get so much peace and joy from making a home cosy and beautiful.
I am quite artistic, so my home is often an expression of this. I love playing with colour and buying quirky things.
Many things that I bought over the years were from charity shops, car boots or even the tip, and like you, I upcycled rather than pay a fortune, and I loved the creativity of that. But even then, he wasn’t happy! Though he was earning well, you never saw me shopping in John Lewis!
He seemed to hate me making the home nice, which I couldn’t understand, because I thought he’d appreciate me making a nice home fir the family. No, he wanted us living like we were in a war camp. Like he wanted us to all be punished.
I’ve recently moved my son into a different room and bought him a few nice things. My ex would never have allowed it. I actually pay someone to cut the lawn every couple of months ( he’s quite cheap ) rather than toil like I used to ( it’s a big and very uneven lawn).
Like you, hecmadecmechoose think I needed to spend hours creating culinary miracles, and like you, I rarely ate if we had guests as I was too overtired and past it to eat anything. Then he’d leave the clearing up to me.
The present woman ( poor thing) may have the opportunity to use those pans and look at the garden, but who would change places with her, knowing the horrific pain she is going to endure?
Our freedom is priceless. It’s better than being a millionaire.
Have great fun doing up your home. I find beautiful things as charity shops, vintage/ thrift/ secondhand shops, car boots, Gumtree, eBay, free cycle- and it’s great fun doing them up. They didn’t like us being creative, as it was a form of self-expression, and they wanted us to just be mirrors for them. Well, know we are free to express ourselves again.
Like you, he took all my confidence and tried to wreck my professional life. It will take time, but you will grow in strength, and maybe upcycling will be amazingly helpful in helping you rediscover the old you!
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