Why would he do this

[Plodding]

Hi I feel so sad. I cannot understand this neither can I challenge it . H offering some of his (detail removed by moderator) to share with our kids while I’m there but not offering it to me (he would’ve done in the past), then he did it again later just for himself when kids weren’t there it felt really cruel then tonight he got himself (detail removed by moderator) and never offered me any . This is something he would never do he would always have offered me some and even got me a (detail removed by moderator). I didn’t say anything yesterday but tonight I asked if he was going to offer me one ? He said he didn’t want to force me. This response is too odd. It feels hurtful . He didn’t even (detail removed by moderator). But until all his family were present and he said he had not had chance yet . This probably doesn’t sound bad but his behaviour is so strange and upsetting and I would never offer my children something when he is there and it’s something he likes . He never makes me coffees or teas etc any more only if we have visitors it feels so unkind
Thanks

[SingleMomSurvivor]

Hi Plodding. It sounds like he has figured out covert ways to abuse you & that he’s probably engaging in gaslighting. The intentionally not (detail removed by moderator), even though he was aware of how these things upset you, is abuse. He purposely engaged in behaviors to hurt you, but he also chose behaviors that aren’t easily identifiable as abusive to people outside of your relationship. He also chose behaviors that will allow him to deny he’s being abusive & in turn question your perception & interpretation of things, which is gaslighting. In short, he intentionally didn’t (detail removed by moderator) and intentionally didn’t (detail removed by moderator) and intentionally acted like none of this was a big deal because he’s abusive and these are covert emotionally abusive behaviors. My ex engaged in a lot of covert emotional abuse. I struggled to understand for a long time. And he’s only making you coffee & tea when visitors are around because he has to put on a show for them & portray himself as a loving, kind man. It’s an act and also part of the abuse.

[Bananaboat]

Singlemom has hit the nail on the head. It’s all about control. If you haven’t read ‘why does he do that’ by Lundy Bancroft then I’d recommend it, abuse comes in all shapes and sizes. Doing it infront of the kids feels like it’s ‘ok’ as you’re the one suffering but it’s actually involving them and they’ll feel it too.

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