Wicked and lonely

[JustKeepSinging]

Having not just a bad day but a f*****g terrible few days and just need someone to tell me they understand.
This week has been hell – I don’t know where to start. I’ve spoken in depth to the police and as nice as they were it was uncomfortable telling complete strangers about my f*****g sex life. I’ve written my own witness statement and then taken it to the court to get a non mol order and applied for an occupancy order. I’ve talked and talked to my mum & my step dad and now feel like I’ve no privacy from them. We are all living on top of each other in their tiny house and me & my mum have had two massive argumentS.
She thinks she’s being supportive but all she’s done all week is push me into stuff.
“Get the non mol in before he does (yeah she doesn’t get it!), “ring the police back” “get her solicitor meeting moved, apply for child orders before he takes the kids away from you and you won’t have a leg to stand on” etc etc
I tried to tell her nicely to back off and let me do things on my schedule and she just turned it into a big thing that I was being mean to her when she just wanted to help.
I can’t tell her any other way that I’ve just left someone who controlled me and I don’t need it from her!!!
Anytime I’ve mentioned my ex she said “you are still putting him first” “you are still worrying about his welfare” etc etc like I can just turn off how I feel for him.
On top all the shame and humiliation with having to tell loads of different people over and over and over how pathetic I am for putting up with him for years, about the sexual abuse and every f*****g single thing.

He’s been nothing but lovely all week and don’t get me wrong I know this is all part of it but it doesn’t stop or help the fact that I’m missing him. That’s pathetic too. I’m missing someone who treated me like c**p, lied to me, constantly belittled me. What’s ducking wrong with me 🙁
He hasn’t a t**t the whole time & I miss those little flashes of our life when he wasn’t.
I miss my house and all my things – I know our safety is more important but I miss having my things when I need them, I miss the kids having their bedroom and their toys, I miss the space away from my mum and stepdad.

I want to go home and get away from this situation with my mum so badly I even considered going back! WTAF.

Housing told me today they aren’t sure I qualify for the housing register and there’s nothing we can afford to rent that’s suitable for my kids (one is disabled) locally. I feel stuck here and I can’t see my way out.

People keep telling me “you are doing great” but I feel like I’m falling apart. I would never consider suicide because I love my kids too much but I’m as low as I can get before that.
I just want someone to wave a wand and start to fix things for me because I can’t cope with it all myself.

How do I get through this??? I just want a hug from my best mate and she’s mikes away. I feel so alone.

[Iwantmeback]

Hi, I’m sending you a huge tight hug, though if you’re anything like me it’s his hug you’re needing him telling you you’ll be all right. I was feeling like that just ladt week but yet again he’s shown his true colours and i no longer crave him again. It’s literally like coming of drugs. The withdrawal from emotional dependency is awful. I was talking to my wa support worker today and said how great it would be if we could just switch off our feelings, just for a wee while. Our emotions and feelings betray us everytime don’t they. But these too will pass, it’s the body’s way of working through the trauma. There’s a good book called, the body knows, I downloaded mine on kindle, my recent library is so full of abuse based factual books as well as fictional works. Knowledge is power as they say. Keep posting and reading others posts. 💞💞

[ThalieRose]

Hi JustKeepSinging. Hang in there! Your post resonated so much with that I’m feeling these days too, but remember that this is a process and you WILL get through this and you WILL be happier than you thought you’ll ever be.

Sounds to me like your mum is trying to make this easier for you by taking over and micromanaging whatever she thinks its best for you. But you can put down boundaries and express to her that what she is doing is not helping. You are strong and you can do this for yourself! Sounds to me like she wants the best for you but only you know what’s best for you. You’re strong and you can express yourself and your needs to her!

I understand missing those good moments, but they were just that, moments… Our lives have so much more to give than moments. I spent years of my life looking forward to these moments in between all the c**p and humiliation and now that I’m out of there, I can finally see the potential of my own life and my own choices. You WILL get through this.

It’s all a process and it’s all for yourself. Allow yourself to feel the bad days, tomorrow will be better. Slowly but surely your life will change, your heart will forget and you will heal. Try and celebrate the small wins every day.

I recommend listening to Brene Brown’s TED talk on shame and vulnerability. It really helped me see myself for who I am and how much I matter and how I can express that to the world in a kind and powerful way. You matter! Hang in there, it WILL get better! Hugs!

[JustKeepSinging]

Thank you so much for the replies 🙂 it really helps when I’m feeling so lonely that I’m not the only one going through this and hopefully if I keep just focusing on one hour, one afternoon, one evening, one day at a time I might get through this.

[HopeLifeJoy]

And many more hugs from me too 💕

[JustKeepSinging]

Thank you – I really need the hugs right now! xx

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