Wide awake and struggling

[Starmoon]

I know this week is an exception because of the very difficult decision I had to make… but this time of year is also much a trigger for me. It was around now a few years ago, while I was heavily pregnant with my youngest, that I had a total brake down… my memory of that time is so sad… and it’s also sad that last year I was on the up but now I’m back down again. It’s like I’ve gone back to square one… all the effort and work I put in away from him was a waste because I just took him back again… and I’m back in the self doubting cycle all over again.

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi Starmoon,

Sending you a big hug. It’s also coming up to the time when I met my ex so I know how you feel. I think you’ll feel better once you have faced the anniversary and let it pass. I think the expectation of it is probably worse than the reality.

Could you plan something nice for yourself to signal a fresh start? Don’t beat yourself up for going back to him, it’s extremely common with abusers because they are incredibly convincing liars and manipulators. I think it takes an abused woman an average of 7 attempts to leave due to the hold they have over us, and the fact that many refuse to let us go even with police involvement. It’s not your fault.

You have an opportunity now, a fresh start. When I left I was so happy to be alive because my ex showed some disturbing signs that he was a sadist and joked about killing me etc. Many women are killed by these monsters but we escaped and now we can build the life that we would like, free of the abuse. It’s very hard after all we have experienced but it’s easier if we take it a step at a time.

I know how you feel about how sad it feels remembering the hope you felt which has now been dashed. I was so hopeful and happy and excited when I started dating my ex. Before him I’m met some terrible awful men and thought my luck had finally changed. I sobbed buckets of tears when I realised that he was not only the worst of the lot, but dangerous too. It was awful, just so awful on so many levels. But, life does move on and we will heal and new opportunities will present. It might feel like square one, but you have gained hugely in life experience. See it as more of a blank canvas to build you new life. xx

[Amaguq]

Hi Starmoon,

Yet again, very wise words from Sunshinerainflower. 🙂

Dates are strange things, trigger memories, losing loved ones, living with grief, significant dates bring it all back.
The next few months are filled with dates that I am truly dreading but we will overcome them.
We are all allowed to feel how we feel, one thing nobody can take away from us, we are on a rollercoaster ride, taking the ups with the downs and one day, we will have more ups than downs.

I hope you managed to get some sleep, huggggggssssss and take care xx

[Author]

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