This topic contains 7 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  Dolly2019 6 days ago.

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  • #114992
     Optimystic 
    Participant

    Ever accept that he is an abuser? I’m thinking about when I leave him. How can he fully understand, recognise and acknowledge why I’ve had to go with our child? If I say our relationship is abusive, he laughs in disbelief. He never takes ownership and never says sorry, even if I ask for an apology. I actually think he’ll be utterly bewildered. What do you tell them? I don’t want others to know what he is, it will ruin him but I want and need him to see what he is. I hope this makes sense xx

  • #114994
     KIP. 
    Participant

    He will never ever accept he is an abuser. If he accepts he’s an abuser it will utterly destroy this made up image he has of himself and he won’t ever allow that so he lives in denial. You won’t change this. Anyone knows when they’re being abusive and he does too. But getting him to accept this is impossible. He’s not your responsibility and when you leave with your child he will do everything he can to discredit you so that when the truth comes out about his abuse, you will look like the bad one so I’d urge you to tell people what he’s like before he paints you as a liar. The gloves really come off when they feel vulnerable. Log the abuse with your GP because you will need this as back up for the future. Keep a secret diary that can be used in future. You need to protect yourself from him, he’s not your responsibility and don’t underestimate him.

  • #114995
     KIP. 
    Participant

    He’s already ruined as a person and he won’t skip a beat to ruin you. Do not give him an inch, or you will regret it. I know it goes against the grain but if you thought he could be abusive before, wait till you leave.

    • #115512
       Dolly2019 
      Participant

      I agree with KIP. Years ago my dad said “a damaged person damages others.”

      Abusers are deeply damaged, usually by childhood trauma. They have a form of psychological splitting to disconnect them from their words, their actions, the SHAME they should feel and did feel as a child. They abuse almost as a form of self-loathing. They want to see what it will take to make you hate them, so that it feeds into their narrative of self-loathing and not being lovable enough. It is a self-fulfilling prophecy and they drive relationships over the edge. Its the most f****d up mindset I have ever come across and boils down to one truth: they do not know how to give or receive love because they do not feel worthy of it and never had it.

      I am not married to my abuser so I am not so worried about ending it. But yes, when I left my ex husband, jesus did he get nasty. It’s the loss of control and reinforcement of what they already know; you do not love them and will leave them. It is pure heart poison for them. They will do anything to avoid that pain.

  • #115000
     Optimystic 
    Participant

    Thank you KIP. It’s scary. I’ve read Why Does He Do That and I feel I have a much better understanding now – there are so many things I can recognise in him. He’s Mr Demand to the letter with a bit of Water Torturer chucked in. I think I need to read it again. It’s true though, I remember telling him he scares us, that he’s aggressive and controlling. It was a bit of an outburst from me. He gave me that shocked look, which turned to a glare I know so well and a defensive response. Followed by, (detail removed by moderator). So yeah, that didn’t work. Things are ramping up, (detail removed by moderator) days really bad so far with (detail removed by moderator) days being fake nice. I didn’t realise I needed a GP appointment, so thank you for this advice too. I’ve never understood the need to be so informed before now. My eyes have been opened so wide! I can’t understand why I’ve been so blind but at the same time seeing everything x

  • #115002
     KIP. 
    Participant

    That’s what abuse does. It’s insidious and it’s also unbelievable and painful to acknowledge someone you trust and loved would deliberately destroy you for their own pleasure. Once I knew that it became easier for me. When I saw the glint in his eyes as I was in the gutter and he smirked as he walked away. They are toxic and dangerous and the more you see it the more you are in a much stronger position but knowledge comes with pain of knowing this. Just keep gathering that support bubble and keeping your journal and talking. Abuse thrives on silence x

  • #115003
     Optimystic 
    Participant

    Thank you 😊. We have felt a lot of pain and anxiety this week, but this really gives me strength to get moving. Really does x

  • #115004
     KIP. 
    Participant

    Learn for other posts. I was completely blind sided but most abusers follow the same pattern so you can learn allot from others on here. When you know how their game is played they are quite predictable x

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