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    • #114992
      Optimystic
      Participant

      Ever accept that he is an abuser? I’m thinking about when I leave him. How can he fully understand, recognise and acknowledge why I’ve had to go with our child? If I say our relationship is abusive, he laughs in disbelief. He never takes ownership and never says sorry, even if I ask for an apology. I actually think he’ll be utterly bewildered. What do you tell them? I don’t want others to know what he is, it will ruin him but I want and need him to see what he is. I hope this makes sense xx

    • #114994
      KIP.
      Participant

      He will never ever accept he is an abuser. If he accepts he’s an abuser it will utterly destroy this made up image he has of himself and he won’t ever allow that so he lives in denial. You won’t change this. Anyone knows when they’re being abusive and he does too. But getting him to accept this is impossible. He’s not your responsibility and when you leave with your child he will do everything he can to discredit you so that when the truth comes out about his abuse, you will look like the bad one so I’d urge you to tell people what he’s like before he paints you as a liar. The gloves really come off when they feel vulnerable. Log the abuse with your GP because you will need this as back up for the future. Keep a secret diary that can be used in future. You need to protect yourself from him, he’s not your responsibility and don’t underestimate him.

    • #114995
      KIP.
      Participant

      He’s already ruined as a person and he won’t skip a beat to ruin you. Do not give him an inch, or you will regret it. I know it goes against the grain but if you thought he could be abusive before, wait till you leave.

      • #115512
        Dolly2019
        Participant

        I agree with KIP. Years ago my dad said “a damaged person damages others.”

        Abusers are deeply damaged, usually by childhood trauma. They have a form of psychological splitting to disconnect them from their words, their actions, the SHAME they should feel and did feel as a child. They abuse almost as a form of self-loathing. They want to see what it will take to make you hate them, so that it feeds into their narrative of self-loathing and not being lovable enough. It is a self-fulfilling prophecy and they drive relationships over the edge. Its the most f****d up mindset I have ever come across and boils down to one truth: they do not know how to give or receive love because they do not feel worthy of it and never had it.

        I am not married to my abuser so I am not so worried about ending it. But yes, when I left my ex husband, jesus did he get nasty. It’s the loss of control and reinforcement of what they already know; you do not love them and will leave them. It is pure heart poison for them. They will do anything to avoid that pain.

      • #115854
        Optimystic
        Participant

        Hi Dolly2019, I’m sorry I’ve just read your post ❤️It’s funny, because all of the research I’ve been doing really resonates with what you’ve said. This makes me feel sorry for him. I can see pain in him sometimes and I can see him clinging on to his perfect family life that’s not perfect for me or my son. I’ve always said he’s complex. That was my word for him. I’ve tried to fix him and he relies on me so much. I just can’t enjoy my life and my son needs me, not him. Why oh why am I worrying about him more than us? I have an appointment with woman’s aid on Monday. I’m so grateful for this, you wouldn’t believe! Thank you so much for your insights, so so helpful x

    • #115000
      Optimystic
      Participant

      Thank you KIP. It’s scary. I’ve read Why Does He Do That and I feel I have a much better understanding now – there are so many things I can recognise in him. He’s Mr Demand to the letter with a bit of Water Torturer chucked in. I think I need to read it again. It’s true though, I remember telling him he scares us, that he’s aggressive and controlling. It was a bit of an outburst from me. He gave me that shocked look, which turned to a glare I know so well and a defensive response. Followed by, (detail removed by moderator). So yeah, that didn’t work. Things are ramping up, (detail removed by moderator) days really bad so far with (detail removed by moderator) days being fake nice. I didn’t realise I needed a GP appointment, so thank you for this advice too. I’ve never understood the need to be so informed before now. My eyes have been opened so wide! I can’t understand why I’ve been so blind but at the same time seeing everything x

    • #115002
      KIP.
      Participant

      That’s what abuse does. It’s insidious and it’s also unbelievable and painful to acknowledge someone you trust and loved would deliberately destroy you for their own pleasure. Once I knew that it became easier for me. When I saw the glint in his eyes as I was in the gutter and he smirked as he walked away. They are toxic and dangerous and the more you see it the more you are in a much stronger position but knowledge comes with pain of knowing this. Just keep gathering that support bubble and keeping your journal and talking. Abuse thrives on silence x

    • #115003
      Optimystic
      Participant

      Thank you 😊. We have felt a lot of pain and anxiety this week, but this really gives me strength to get moving. Really does x

    • #115004
      KIP.
      Participant

      Learn for other posts. I was completely blind sided but most abusers follow the same pattern so you can learn allot from others on here. When you know how their game is played they are quite predictable x

    • #115858
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      I’m reading this and it’s like I would read about my emotions. I hope that everything will go well for you and your son. I’m at very beginning of the journey and I have started my diary. Watching it all from other perspective, when you know what he’s actually doing is like awakening. You’ll be strong. Take care of you and your son x

    • #115879
      Optimystic
      Participant

      Thank you WillIreallygo ♥️. Your message really means a lot to me. I have my first ever appointment with WA on Monday. I don’t know what to expect, but I’m hoping for my self doubt to go so much. I’m so used to living like this, but the more I learn from all the truly amazing women on here who take the time to listen, understand and support. Just incredible. I hate you feel like me, but it’s helpful to know we’re not alone. Never alone now xx

    • #115881
      Beautifulday
      Participant

      Hi @optimystic

      Like @kip says they will never EVER admit to being an abuser or apologise! If they do ever apologise or pretend they’ve realised what they’ve done its always an act a front. And they usually do this to reel you back in.
      In my situation im currently in the process of leaving an emotionally abusive relationship it was also very physical at the beginning. Lovkdown gave me the lightbulb moment and i made a plan to get out.
      Anyway whenever id say to him aren’t you sorry for saying that? Or doing that? It was either silent treatment or the answer would be why should I be sorry? If you hadn’t done that I wouldn’t have had to say those things…they will NEVER admit to abusing or show remorse for their actions and words. Even now when he knows I’m going he STILL plays the victim, still calls me the abuser! Sees nothing wrong in the way he’s treated me all these years. These men are crafty, deceiving individuals and to realise they are abusers would mean giving up their power so they won’t do it

    • #116128
      Optimystic
      Participant

      Thank you Beautifulday 😊. Lockdown was the biggest lightbulb moment I’ve ever had. It was traumatic. I asked him if he’d apologise or accept responsibility not that long ago. I must have been very angry! He refused to apologise and said he’d never take responsibility for the argument. How are you getting on with leaving? I’m waiting on a call from a solicitor. I don’t really know how to do it? Having a reasonable, adult conversation is out of the question x

    • #116293
      Onwardsupwards
      Participant

      I have tried all these years to tell him. I remember when I was pregnant after a particularly bad moment, then next not ing I tried to tell him what he’s done. He was convinced I was making it up. He told me it would never happen again but it did. Over and over. His thing to say was “apparently”

      He made me disbelieve mhself, I was so young and innocent I had no idea. I knew his behaviour was wrong but I kept giving him chances.

      He doesn’t accept it and says we are both as bad as each other!
      I hope one day he will though but I’m beginning to feel.I want some people to know. Not my family, they’d go mad, but maybe his family and my friends

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