Will he do it?

[Cherryade]

Hi.. so I’ve recently left my ex partner after years and children together. I’ve attempted to leave on many occasions in the beginning it was just arguments nothing overly bad well Compared to the last year it wasn’t anyway. In (detail removed by moderator) a woman approached me and told me he had cheated he obviously denied this but long story short he definitely was not acting as if he was innocent by lying to me and ringing her she then refused to tell me anymore and eventually a week later said she was lying. as I go on you will probably work out why. Despite not knowing if he actually did cheat or not didn’t matter to me this was my way out as they say! I told him just him lying to me and acting suspicious and guilty I no longer wanted a relationship with him I didn’t trust him. Well this didn’t go down well and he harassed me telling me he was going to kill himself if I wasn’t with him he that he never cheated on me. I cut all contact but I then was still receiving voicemails from him letters through my door and his family ringing and txting me also. I finally got the police involved but it did not stop him and the final blow was getting a voice mail of him (detail removed by moderator). So I rang him and with the help of his family he manage to convince me that we needed couples counselling which I agreed to he told me he doesn’t expect anything from me aslong as we’re “together” we did the counselling and of course he said the counsellor was always taking my side. Anyway once that finished things just kept getting worse every time something didn’t go his way or he wanted something and I refused he would threaten to kill himself. I told him I didn’t trust him still so untill we work on having respect for one another then I didn’t feel comfortable having sex with him. Which he then went off on one saying what’s a relationship without sex (detail removed by moderator) and he might aswell kill himself. So I told him if he’s not getting what he needs then he should leave. So I didn’t back down so he chooses to use other tactics by coming to me and saying hes “struggling” when I ask him what about it’s still the same thing he wants sex. He tells me all the time how I don’t care I don’t talk to him he’s struggling I’m not willing to give him what he needs but he has to do everything for me. Well a few days ago I had enough he again mentioned sex and I told him no and of course it was the same behaviour. And I’m currently dealing with voicemail and him messaging my friends and family This time round I’ve cut all contact I let his family know he was threatening to kill himself (detail removed by moderator) and then cut them all off. The only thing I’m on edge about now is that I know I can get orders for him to stop contacting me but apart of me is worried that if I do that he will actually kill himself. I’m well aware it’s about control and at the moment he’s probably thinking he still has it but the minute I do something like that he’s going to know he has no power and it would also make it difficult when it comes to the children. I’m just wondering if I should tell him if he doesn’t stop then I’ll do it and then it’s up to him. I don’t know what the best thing to do is. It’s so difficult when children are involved and the thought of having to tell them that daddy killed himself breaks my heart.

[KIP.]

Hi, do you have support from womens aid? Threats of suicide are a very common tactic. The bottom line is you’re not a psychiatrist and not qualified to deal with a suicidal patient. That’s his choice. If he threatens suicide then ring 999 and tell the operator what he is threatening. I bet he totally denies it when the ambulance arrives. It is controlling behaviour and always will be so it’s time to put yourself first and put an end to this. He won’t change but you can. He will be holding this threat over you for the rest of your life and when this threat doesn’t work he will threaten something else. To take the kids. To make you homeless. It’s simply what abusers do, so my advice is to ignore his threats, protect you and your children. Get the orders in place. Get the ducks in a row. If he’s really suicidal then you don’t want him round the children either so get supervised visitations too. He can’t have it all ways.

[Cherryade]

Thank you for replying. Yes he tells me that if I call family or police he will do it in that moment.

I don’t know I just feel like I should give him one last chance to redeem himself maybe? Not by being with him but just to see if I tell him I will get an order will he stop for the sake of his children? Is that stupid to think that?

[KIP.]

He’s not going to stop. What he is doing is illegal. It’s called coercive and controlling behaviour. He’s not your responsibility and there’s nothing stopping you reporting him to the police and they can assess his mental health and charge him if they have enough evidence. Absolutely zero contact is how to deal with him and if that means a non molestation order then I’d try to get one. Talk to your local womens aid and keep a diary of his behaviour because it’s only going to get worse, you need your energy for yourself and your kids. Setting boundaries is really difficult with abusers. They will push back. Can you use a third party for all contact? Do not discuss anything with him. He’s not your friend, he will destroy you if he can so protect yourself.

[KIP.]

You can also message him by text not to contact you directly and only to go through a third party. When he contacts you directly there’s proof for the police to arrest him. It’s stalking and harrassment but don’t get into a text conversation because the police will look at it as just an argument. You need to take control or he will be controlling you forever with his threats. People who commit suicide don’t generally spread it about first. He needs mental health treatment if he’s suicidal and I’d keep him well away from my kids.

[Hereforhelp]

Cherryade, I feel for you as my long term ex husband used suicide as a tactic for a while and, like you, I was frozen as I was aware it was a tactic but I also was terrified if he committed suicide so I did ring the police and asked them to do a welfare check and I explained about his threats. He didn’t do it again after that and I felt better having told the police as I am not qualified to decide if there was a real risk or a threat. Both are worrying.

Hang in there and push forward, you owe him nothing. Imagine what this Chrsitmas would be like if you had him back?
Keep posting ❤️

[Cherryade]

Thank you, yes I tried to leave before and it got very messy even after I contacted the police and his family he still continued. It’s been a very hard day today as more things have happened and now he’s somehow got his friends to contact me(if it is his friend I don’t know) I’m really struggling on what to do! I keep thinking to myself if I do nothing then he’s going to keep trying but at least he’s alive! But I feel so guilty if I do get an order what if that makes him really do something? I feel so alone and I’m trying to be strong for my kids but he’s really breaking me down

[Cherryade]

When your getting messages from other people not just him with there “concerns” and “if you just talk to him he will come back” it’s so so hard because you feel as through you have that responsibility on you then. If something was to happen it’s my fault because I didn’t talk to him.

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