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Hi All,
So my first post I said how i got out of the abusive relationship. I stupidly went and met up with him to collect some of my belongings.. He was very nice to me and told me how he will change etc etc how he is going to all his new groups to sort his life out. Although I found out a few lies he had told a few weeks ago i could not help but get sucked in to his lies :(. He now texts me all the time saying how much he loves me and he is sorry etc etc and he will change. I have heard it all before but why do I always feel like this time is the time he will change? I have left and been back before to only be abused again but has he realised this time? will he really change or is this all part of his game? I cant find it in me to say no more contact because he is being so nice it feels impossible. We had a chat which to be honest isnt like any other chat we have had but at the same time is this just his game because he knows he lost me? please help đ I cant stop thinking about it. I constantly feel the urger to go back and all the things he is saying just make me want to go back even more :(. why is this so hard!! does anybody have any experience of this?
thank you all xox
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Me!!! I am experiencing this right now hurt no more. It’s so hard I know but he won’t change. If he was going to, he would have done when you were together. I am going through the same thing now, knowing that it’s a bad idea but being led astray by my positive feelings.
But if I can not go back, so can you! They are no good and don’t know how to treat women properly.
If he was going to change, he couldon’t do it without professional help and if he is serious then he needs to complete that before he even thinks about getting back with you.
A wise lady on here said ‘get out and stay out’.I’m working hard to look after my future self as I know she’s right. Staying out is best but I am here for support as I am going through the same thing xx-
Hi beenherebefore, thank you for your reply! How hard is it!! I agree he needs to sort himself then come back but he will go and find someone else to fill the hole untill hes sorted.. he cant be alone. Me even saying that makes me think well if thats the case he is not worth it! Its just so easy to go back isnt it :(. The days when you are sad or your maybe bored or nobody to lean on for support those are the hardest moments. Im dealing with an abusive womaniser who knows how to deal with the ladies.. makes me feel sick that everyone believes his rubbish!! How do you deal with the sorry etc do you text back answer the phone? I have no idea what to do feel so lonely and isolated. X*x
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They never change, they just get better at fooling us. My ex did the same, contacting me saying he loved and missed me once a week. It’s so hard because obviously we liked and loved these men, the ‘nice’ side of them, and that’s the side they show when we leave to make us stay and keep us under their control. Sadly as soon as we’re back with them the abuse starts up sometimes straight away, sometimes a few days or weeks later, but it always returns, and often it is worse because they think we need to be ‘punished’ for leaving them. And as we all know abuse only gets worse, the cycle escalates and can sometimes end up being fatal for us.
I think for your health, safety and sanity you really need to get out and stay out but obviously it is your call. Have you written down all of the abusive things he did? I wrote a list of all of the lies, cheating and abuse and read it when I feel sad and confused, it helps to remind me of why I left when he is sending me messages.
Also, the only way forward is no contact. They are too manipulative to communicate with and will always trick you back into it if you open up communication, so go no contact and reach out to friends, family and the forum for support to help you feel less isolated.
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Hurtnomore, firstly I wouldn’t answer the sorry texts. I was bombarded with these from my ex for the first year or so, emails etc. It was hard but the best thing I did was change my phone and not give him my new number. I blocked him on Facebook and blocked his emails. This then makes it hard for him to get under your skin.
Then I created a sort of self help book for when I was tempted to go back. In it was all the horrific things he had done, the reasons I can enjoy my life now and reminders of my support network. I got a counsellor and this massively helped me unpick all the manipulation. I knew that I wanted a better life for myself and it was going to take willpower and determination to not fall into the trap. I did nice things for myself and took care of myself so I was healthy and strong in mind as I found I back pedalled when I was hungry/tired etc..
I used this site loads because all these amazing ladies on here have been through what you’re going through and no one understands it like they do. They gave me strength to stay out and they still do now.This is going to be the hardest thing hurtnomore but you can do it and you will be so much happier, healthier and safer on the other side. Distract yourself and remember that you are the priority. We are all here for you and understand that pull you feel but he won’t change, everything he says is trying to regain power because he’s lost that now you’ve gone. You are wonderful and brave and strong for leaving, you can do this xx
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hi hun
please do not fall for that trick, they never change, i gave my ex so many chances, he never changed and did he beg as well as swear at me in between, i have been out x year and still get odd call and u know what each time he slips up, they dont change. enjoy your freedom, ive had others say as well one more chance then and they all reegret and leave again, dont put yourself through that again, this is why u have to block them and watch how thye flick again. Not listening to the begging is so hard, beleive me i had to fight with allmy strenghth to keep away , its the best for u
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No he will never change!!!
I left my abuser last year and was adamant I wouldn’t go back but he done exactly what your ex is doing now and I never ever see him do that before he was always so I’m right your wrong but he promised he would change go counselling appreciate me etc etc of course I went back and now I’m couple of months away from giving birth 2 children and single. He assaulted me (detail removed by moderator)Â after we got back together and I have been torturing myself as to why I went back and now another poor innocent child is being brought into a broken family. Please don’t Hinksey he will change it will only get worse trust me!! The honey mood period is lovely I must admit and you feel on top of the world but once out routines and tricks set back in its hell. I’m now starting to feel better about it all but being pregnant and leaving again has been horrific and guess what cos I’m completely adamant this time with support of court orders etc he’s moved on!! There like tics have to be borrowed into someone to survive. They are disgusting humans. I hope you find the strength and whenever you feel down or hopeless read these posts and remind yourself!!!! Goodo luck hunny, your not alone-
Hello all thanks so much for the reply’s! After lots of thinking last night and with the help of all of your support I managed to get my head into a better frame of mind. In my heart of hearts I know he will never change and reading all of your comments made me realise it is part of the game. The last time I went back it took one day for him to physically and mentally abuse me, its always the same. A big issue with him was his drinking and drugs and in my last post i failed to mention that before i asked to collect my stuff he said how he has given up drinking he wants to change for us etc etc hes doing it for me.. well when i went to collect my stuff he asked to meet in a pub where he was drinking! so actually that alone is enough to show he will never change.. i guess their behaviour somehow makes you blind in many ways. He is doing a better relationship course due to him doing the same to his ex but for someone who has abused every woman he has been with for so many years i dont think a course that lasts a few months will do anything. he is very good at manipulating people to believe that he is a good person and he is treating his partner right, makes me feel sick. he would sit there when someone complimented me and say ” yeah shes lovely but very spoilt” when (detail removed by moderator) he just strangled me unconscious! argh so many stories but yes point blank he is a vile human being who has no empathy in him whatsoever and today for the first time my head is thinking you prove him wrong, you show him that your not that little girl he tells you. At the end of the day leaving is hard but staying will only be even worse at at least we all know there is light at the end of the leaving tunnel.. even if we dont see it now xx thank you all for your support! xx
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It’s so hard, I personally think it’s the hardest thing I’ve had to do. It’s worse then grief because you know deep down he can and probably will move on, he can pretend that nothing has happened and carry on enjoying his life when your left to pick up he pieces emotionally and physically.
The things you have just said made me shiver the fact he strangled you unconscious and then people compliment his boyfriend traits. I had exactly the same, he would say he was too good for me and I do everything for her and she’s a spoilt b***h who just moans and moans. They are unbelievable what they can do.
I have my low days don’t get me wrong and all I do is cry and think of him with his new girlfriend and how there going out having sex etc but you really need to pick yourself up and say to yourself you deserve better. Actually say it out loud to yourself!! This place has helped me so much at times and hearing other womans stories just gives you that strength. Also my exes drink and drug use escalated and of course that was my fault. You just have to remember it’s normal to feel you want him it’s normal to miss him it’s all part of the break up process but you will get there!!!!!
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hurtnomore, was just flying by to see how you are doing- that’s amazing news! You go lady! Giving you a massive virtual high five!
Get out there and enjoy that sunshine and your freedom! đ You rock!
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beenherebefore, thank you!! I hope you are too! you deserve it! đ when willifindhappiness, I know what you mean and those are the feelings i cant seem to cope with the whole him moving on part while im here stuck with the heartache and lack of self confidence etc due to what he has done. in that sense of things i wish i did give the correct information to the police! that way i know he would also suffer ( sad i know ). I also got called spoilt b***h who moans and moans and he told evryone how great he was! argh how frustrating.. i remember the time he beat me up so bad , i was kicked (detail removed by moderator)  etc etc i was in hospital for CT scan and check up etc all of the waiting patients in A&E were telling me how vile the person was who did it to me and how i should go police etc – he was sitting next to me. he not only sat and listened.. he was agreeing with them (detail removed by moderator) !!!! disgusting. they actually believe their own lies. I also have low days and the thoughts of who they are with or what they may be doing can completely distract you from day to day life. I find myself wondering off whilst at work wondering what he is doing. I think love in general is a hard thing to let go of, but love with an abuser who has made you feel so low about yourself is even harder to let go of. I pray to god one day I can look back and say what the hell did i see in him and i hope one day ( if not already ) that you can too! Its just another unfortunate learning curve and at least now we know the signs of an abuser before its too late đ xx
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No, he won’t change. I am still with my partner. All the groups I go to and even in here I feel like the odd one out. How many more verbal/emotional/mental beatings will I take before I just call it quits? Ha! No he will not change. Saying sorry is nothing. It is just a word, a word that abusers do not usually mean and if they do and are remorseful, it does not last for long. The nice phase will wear thin, it will all be too much to put on the same face he gives to others at work, at his friends’ places, out socialising, with his family. That face is not the face he wears with you. Not for long. I have been with my abuser for too many years (decade). He says sorry, says he is going to change, says he will never do or say those things again. But he keeps doing and saying those very things. He never stops, he never changes. Oh he will for a few weeks, maybe, if you are lucky. But it is too hard. Too hard to put others first, have to think of others’ feelings. Listen to others. Acknowledge the damage he has done and is still doing by not changing. Too hard to keep the promises (he keeps breaking those, he cannot stay constant, reliable or within normal perameters) He does not change, not because he cannot, but because he chooses not to. It is easier to keep the abusive mindset than it is to face reality and deal with it head on. It is easier to coerce, to manipulate and to cheat, lie, steal and do all those dishonest and hurtful things than it is to look in the mirror, point at himself and do something about it all. It is easier to blame everyone else, outside things, you. It is easier to not face himself and his abuse. It is easier to deny, minimise, degrade and belittle than it is to admit he is a bully.
No, very few abusive men change. Abuse is also rampant. I just want me and my kids to have a normal life. It is all so messed up!
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Hi Deathangel,
Thanks for your reply, I agree sorry is just a word. and coming from an abuser its meaningless. I realised there is no empathy there whatsoever. My ” i will change ” lasted a day! I agree its easier for them to abuse rather than change. and you cant help those who do not want to be helped. I feel for you and i really hope you get out soon! you deserve more than the way he is treating you. I know its hard to feel like your worth something, I am struggling too but each day i feel myself becoming stronger. we can not let these vile men break us, afterall that is their game plan! to make you feel so weak and worthless so you start to believe you cant go elsewhere, thats when you put up with all the b******t and believe all the lies. I chose not to go back and even though it is hard i am happy i made that decision. Dont know how you have put up with it so long! Hope you find your way out soon xx
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