Will he ever stop trying to destroy me?

[martian29]

I have been feeling really low again and wondering whether I will ever really escape my abusive ex-partner. I wanted to keep to no contact and had been doing quite well, but with it being Christmas our children said they would like to see him and stay a couple of nights. I have never stopped him from seeing them when they want to see him. Sure enough, when they came back they have been telling me things he has said to them about me.

He has been calling me a lazy, stupid, useless b***h. He also asked our children to go and live with him as he kept our family home and our accommodation is too small and damp. Instead of trying to help financially with our living conditions when he has lots of money and property, he asked them to live with him. It seems he has had a total lapse of memory. Our children were placed at risk because of his abusive behaviour and the case was closed as soon as I left him. He would never be able to take care of them while juggling, running a home and work commitments as I do daily. He never had any patience with them when we were together and has neglected them badly when he started another relationship soon after I left. He only uses our children to hurt me.

Once again he has ruined the start of the new year. I know I should ignore his sick mind games as our children said he is the last person they would want to live with on earth. They said they still want to have contact with him though, at holiday times and birthdays to see what they can get out of him. I am in two minds about this. I don’t want to stop them from seeing him if they wish to but at the same time, I feel he is a bad influence on them and just uses them to hurt me. My son is getting abusive towards me now, repeating what he has heard from his father in arguments and I am worried he may grow up to be an abuser too. My ex-partners abuse has affected my son really badly, he is withdrawn, depressed and has no friends or social life. He has serious anger issues, very low self-esteem and I cannot get him to talk to me about his feelings.

My family keep getting on to me about getting a solicitor and trying to get something off him for our children’s poor living conditions but I am not entitled to legal aid. I cannot afford the legal fees and know he has hid all his money anyway. I feel I just want to get him out of my life for good and he can rot with all his money. I have never been money obsessed like him and have never asked him for anything. It is causing me a great deal of stress with them constantly calling me and asking whether I have seen a solicitor yet. I know they care about me and want to see justice served but it seems there is no justice for a psychopathic n********t like him. He is so evil, manipulating and money obsessed that he would love to see me with nothing, even without our children who he has no interest in. He goes about his life enjoying himself with another woman with no worries or responsibilities. The children and I are left feeling broken and I don’t know if we could ever be fixed.

Sorry for my long, rambling, self-indulgent post. I just feel so upset right now and my family and other people don’t understand what I am feeling and what the children and I have been through. They constantly go on saying I should have left him years before I did. Why did I stay? Why did I put up with it? What is wrong with me? I must be crazy. I feel this forum is the only place where I can air my feelings to other people who seem to understand.
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[Twisted Sister]

Hello Martian29

I hope you are ok? I just wanted to let you know someone has heard your story. I don’t know what to say, but not because of your situation just because of me feeling like a martian and crazy! Great name by the way and i think i need to change to someething likethat!

I’m glad you felt that you could have a good ol’ ramble here, and self-indulgent sounds like you think you are doing something wrong? I can’t see anything wrong in writing here the things that you have and giving yourself the time and permission to do it.

When i read what you write i don’t think there’s anything wrong with you, and i hope you feel somewhat understood? just sorry i couldn’t write any more as i wish i could do more.

hopefully others will be along too, and hope you might have managed to get a ittle sleep and feel a bit better today.

[Serenity]

Hi Martian,

I could have written your post!

My ex was horrible- both cruel and neglectful – to my kids when he was here. He stormed out saying he wasn’t a family man ( within kids’ hearing).

I was clearing away the Xmas decs today and was reading some, and realised I was reading one from my ex to my son. I have changed the words but it was along the lines of ‘every moment with you is invaluable and melts my heart.’

This is the man who hissed and whispered at me to leave this son at home alone when I booked nice days out, amongst other ( worse) things and who is trying to slyly sabotage his son’s achievements.

Someone once said to me ‘he might never give up’ and my heart went into shock- I felt horrified! But I have learned to deal with my ex better, in that what he wants is a reaction. He wants the kids to tell you, for you to react angrily and look like the bad guy.

Know what? You’re cleverer and stronger than that. You aren’t his puppet.

What he is saying is despicable. But he is digging his own hole- his kids will eventually feel reviled by his hostility and disrespect and see him for who he is.

You don’t need to utter a word. Just let him reveal who he is.

I now act like I haven’t registered his nasty actions- like they have gone over my head ( when they haven’t really). I am not giving him the reaction he craves. He must be going mad.

All you have to do is write down/ think of the kind of mum you want to be, and be it. Your actions will prove who you are. Don’t allow him to steal your peace and esteem- he did enough of that when you were with him.

My ex is doing similar to yours. I clock it, clock his intentions, act like I haven’t noticed, don’t give the kids or him a reaction- that way, I keep my own power.

It is hard, I know. The more you do it, the easier it becomes.

Kids go where they are loved the best. That is, where they are treated as valuable individuals, not mere extensions of their parents or as puppets. Kids know when they’re being manipulated. They might not register it as manipulation- but like us and how we were, they will have a sense of unease in his presence. With you, they will feel genuinely loved ( not used ) and your bond will be deep x

[Confused123]

Hi Hun

Feeling low myself but still wanted to give u support, when there games will
End I don’t know , what they achieve out of making us suffer I don’t know, they r twisted people , like serinty says best way to deal with them is give them no reaction , as for your family keep asking what took u so long , well they clearly like a lot of people don’t understand abuse and how it effects u …we all leave when we feel
We r strong enough

[Confused123]

Hi Hun

Hope u feeling better today , post as much as u need to and i find talking to survivors helps so much as we understand , speak to counsellor they will help u too long term , make sure u getting appropriate help, itslonf road but u will get there

[bubbles]

Hi
No they never do leave you alone. The only thing you can do is try to change yourself for the better.

Know who you are and who they are so when the name calling starts it just roles off your back. Learn how to be calm when you interact with him so you can look like and be the bigger person.

Throughout my time spent with narcs the poke you to make you look irrational they manipulate our behaviour if you don’t let this happen the arguments pointless for them.

It takes time but setting boundaries is good. Would you tolerate being spoken to like that by anyone else? Im sure you wouldn’t so why is he allowed. Decide what you will do when these boundaries are broken will you walk away? will you just ignore them?

Even after cutting contact with the father of my children for a considerable amount of time now and the children no longer seeing him he still finds ways to get to me. I ignore it now but it hasn’t always been easy.

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