7th February 2020 at 5:43 pm #97285TiredoneParticipant
I am in a relationship with a wonderful man who has helped me get over my abusive ex, made me feel like a whole person again and made me feel genuine happiness. I love this man and I feel safe with him. He proposed (detail removed by moderator) ((detail removed by moderator) to make it extra special) and we’re exciting about getting married.
We have discussed the wedding a couple of times and we’ve both aired our concerns about my ex ruining the wedding. I haven’t heard from my ex in a while so it’s unlikely that he knows that I am engaged because we’ve only told our nearest and dearest and haven’t announced anything on social media. I just had a really bad feeling that he is going to find out and turn up or cause a scene or ruin it in some way. My fiance is also worried that my ex will do something but is reassured by the fact that nothing has happened in a number of years. I am feel better about the abusive relationship now that I have had trauma therapy last year and that’s helped massively with the PTSD. However, I can’t enjoy the whole wedding thing as I am scared. Scared for myself, scared that my ex will hurt my fiance, scared that he will embarrass me in front of everyone I love and respect…
I’ve spoken to a couple of friends about it but they quickly shut me down and say that there will be lots of people to stop him if he does do anything but that doesn’t help. If anything, it makes me panic more. What if he hurts my family or my friends?? Or my fiance’s family and friends? I would never forgive myself.
I am considering just going to a registry office and not making a fuss to be safe but I know both of our families would be upset about that and I would like to celebrate the fact that I am marrying someone kind and loving and our happiness (that I never ever thought I would feel again).
I am scared. I thought I was doing so much better but this is freaking me out and the nightmares are coming back. What do I do?
7th February 2020 at 6:08 pm #97289KIP.Participant
I think you should seek out some more counselling. I think you’re not recovered from the abuse and the fact that you’re feeling happy and moving on with your life is a reminder of how he would pull the rug from under you. I think cognitive behaviour therapy would be really good for you to work out why you have these feelings and what in reality are the chances of anything actually happening. Even if your ex did find out and try anything, you’re not the vulnerable victim you once were. You have loads of support around you and he gets a trip to jail. Try not to fall back into that victim mind set. Write down three positive things every day. Work at keeping your mind on the positive things in your life and the lovely future you have. Take your head out of that kind of thinking. I used to get really anxious for a long time after my ex was arrested whenever things were going well for me. Decades of him abusing me whenever he saw me happy took a long time to overcome the feelings but good riddance to bad rubbish. Well done you. Sounds fab x
7th February 2020 at 6:34 pm #97290HopeLifeJoyParticipant
Congratulations on your wedding, this is wonderful, I am so pleased for you that you’ve found your love.
My brother held his wedding (detail removed by moderator) and he was worried that our father and mother in law would ruin it by having a go at my sister. So he told them and us – separately – he would not tolerate any family drama whatsoever. He warned his best mates ((detail removed by moderator)) to throw anyone out right away if any scenes are made. His friends are all (detail removed by moderator), build tall and large as a tree trunk so our entire family was on its very best behaviour.
You could do similar. Select your physically strongest and most loyal friends as bouncers, show them your ex’s picture and tell them to throw him out right away in case he would dare showing up.
I am sure you will have a fantastic time and you’ll have a wonderful worry free wedding, filled with love and fun 💕 👰🤵😎
7th February 2020 at 9:02 pm #97304[email protected]Participant
This is an idea ! I’d never have thought of that 💪🙂
I agree with KIP this is conditioning talking. I’m exactly the same and quite a number of years out too. For years if we ever happy theses men spoiled everything. I’d we made progress achieved something it was stamped out. No no no you’ll be punished if you dare be happy xx it’s definitely conditioning. I have an irrational fear when I’m in the house alone that my ex will climb through the windows. That’s because he did when we were together. I know I’m being irrational and I probably need counselling too. I think what you are feeling is very natural. It’s like a reflex reaction really isn’t it. Not to sure if our guard ever comes down I’m not there yet. Make sure he does not get into your head and enjoy your lovely wedding. ❤️
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