Will I be ok?

[Escapee]

Every morning, for a micro second, everything feels normal. Then I remember that I’ve turned my life upside down, my tummy clenches, my heart starts to beat faster and the voices of doubt start…..how will I cope financially, will I be lonely for the rest of my life, what if I’ve got this all wrong? Then I scan back in my marriage to try to find a patch when I wasn’t a bad mother, a lousy wife, stupid, selfish, and I can’t find one. So now I’m stuck with my head and my heart arguing over staying (financially stable) or being free to be happy.
I know really that there’s only one sensible thing to do, I can’t take the abuse anymore, it’s affecting me both mentally and physically, but it isn’t stopping me from feeling terrified of making that move.
Eventually, I force myself to get up and get on with the day. But the trauma bond constantly nips at me; I desperately want to go to him and cuddle into him, cry and get him to tell me everything will be ok but I know I can’t. I’ve been here before, doing that will take me right back to step 1 – it’ll be good for a day, maybe 2 and then it’ll all start again. I’ve been playing this game for nearly half my life.
Today I need to pay the deposit on my new home – I’m so scared that what awaits me is even worse – it’ll definitely be different but what if it’s worse?? Can life start again when you have wrinkles and grey hair? Will I be able to trust anyone enough to have any kind of relationship?
Sorry everyone, I’m having a seriously bad day 🙁

[HunkyDory]

Hey Escapee how exciting you’re getting your new home! Please please don’t be scared, Ive got grey hair and wrinkles but I’m happier out of that miserable relationship than I ever was in it. Yes your life will be upside down and better for it. You’ll have your own space to do what you want when you please and no negative undertones to your day. Think of some hobbies you can start, or restart, friends you can visit. Even just going for a walk without worrying to get back. It sounds like you’ve read up on trauma bonding, it’s important to remember we hanker after the nice part of the person and that’s not what we get. You deserve better. You will be absolutely fine, I’m sure of it. Go pay your deposit and plan your happy free life. Big hugs xx

[KIP.]

Go for it! Yes, it’s hard at first, only because what you’ve been used to has become normal and we miss things that feel normal, even if they’re dysfunctional. I’m older, grey hairs and wrinkles and I’ve earned every one and proud of them. Go and get your life back. Slowly, taking baby steps, it will fall into place x

[HopeLifeJoy]

Yes you are absolutely making the right choice, freedom and independence is your pathway to a brighter future. Living in your own house, managing your own finances, nobody’s there to sabotage your efforts, you’ll gain greater financial stability than ever before, in fact it’ll be one of the easiest matter to sort out because it’s non-emotional, numbers are easy to manage.

Yes you can rebuild your life with grey hair and wrinkles, age does not matter, worry wrinkles disappear (drink lots of water and they really do!), color over grey hair or wear them proudly, vitality will come again and you’ll enjoy new hobbies and your new life. Maybe the most perplexed question you’ll ask yourself is why didn’t you grant yourself this freedom sooner?

Your trust in humanity will return, do you know how? First of all see the incredible kindness of everyone here, that’s proof n1, second you’ll learn to trust your own self again, your integrity will serve you as compass to lead you towards healthy relations.

It all takes time, there is grief and trauma bonding to break and pass through but step by step you’ll get there and we are all here to support you.

When you’re remembering the past and ask yourself if you’ve been a good person, wife, mother etc, the short and true answer is YES absolutely, you did the very best you could within the given circumstances at the time.

Go for it indeed!
Freedom this way!! 💕
Keep posting

[Escapee]

Thank you for the encouragement ladies. It means a lot. It’s so easy to kid myself that I’ve got it all wrong and everything will be fine but then he’ll get snappy about the tiniest thing and I remember why I need to go; even if my heart breaks. Hugs to you all – you’re amazingly brave x*x

[HunkyDory]

And you are amazingly brave too Escapee. The tiniest thing sets them off doesn’t it? We’re best out of it. Keep going xx

[Anonymous]

Like you, I often panic about the future. We bought a (detail removed by moderator) house a while ago and now I’m here alone. All the work to do on my one salary not the two I’d imagined. I never sit down; I’m always working on the house and I worry all the time about keeping on top of it all, let alone doing the renovation work that’s needed and I’m too old for another mortgage. But then I tell myself, I’ve been through so much and if I could get through that, I’ll get through this. I think sometimes it’s overwhelming because it just feels like one thing after another. Like we’ve escaped, but will never really escape. I don’t know what the answer is, except to keep on going and hope time will help. Whatever happens, it can’t be as bad as where we came from. I’m alive and sometimes I didn’t think I would be in the end.

[Escapee]

I’ve done it! I’ve paid the deposit! I know I’m slightly nuts for putting a holding deposit on a house I haven’t seen but it’s a long way away and they’ll accept my dog and the fact that I need to find work (I’m paying my rent upfront) – so I’m going for it! If I hate the house I can always move again but I don’t think I will as it’s just the right size and in an area that I know is ok.
X*x

[Escapee]

I really understand what you’re saying Landy. You sound like a very strong, brave lady – we need to believe it will ok when those dark clouds descend – hell; we’re survivors! 😉 X*x

[HunkyDory]

Well done Escapee! I so happy to read this, we’ll done – onwards and upwards eh? Landy you’re exactly right, we can get through this, it’s going to be hard but it will be worth it. We are together. X

[Anonymous]

hi i can relate here financial abuse was a big part of my abuse all the credit went into my name when we took new house on he limited me to a certain amount each month my wages just about covered the bills food debts his money only covered the rent. he knew i couldn’t financially cope on my own so that gave him more strength with other abuse i was stuck i had to stay. i spilled my huts to my friend she have me a number of a debt management company she used. so one day when he was off on one of his tantrums at “,mums” i contacted the debt management they took the world off my shoulders within an hour. i took control when the first payment went out i knee i could do it i threw him out nomore weapon to my head. it was scary so scary but it can be done. i live on my own i manage i even been able to book a holiday. there is a way out i promise

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