Will I ever be ready to leave?

[lostsoul123]

I’m very new on this ‘journey’. I was recieving therapy and after talking about my relationship to the therapist she suggested I contact woman’s aid. They told me I’m being emotionally abused and controlled. This was a shock to me. I always knew our relationship was toxic to a certain extent but I would never have described it as abusive. He puts me down probably everyday or every second day but never extremely just little comments here and there. Always tells me I’m not doing enough despite the fact that I do 80% of everything. He lies, spends money on alcohol and cannabis even when we don’t really have any to spend and he moans if I don’t have sex with him either every day or every second day. I struggle to see it as abuse because he’s not controlling my finances, if anything he is 100% reliant on me for finance, and so many other things. He doesn’t tell me what I can and can’t wear, he might moan about something I’m wearing but he’s never stopped me wearing it and I’ve never gotten changed because of it. He’s done some horrible things in the past but they haven’t happened for probably over a year. He has punched walls in the past but again that was a long time ago. I often ask myself if there’s anyway I could’ve dramatised things to other people and that’s why they think it’s abuse or if I’m actually being abused and just can’t see it.
Either way I know I need to leave but I’m having a really hard time actually taking that step. As I said previously he is completely reliant on me for money, (detail removed by moderator) he doesn’t even have a bank card. How can I leave him when I know I’ll be leaving him with nothing? I still love him and he’s the father of my youngest and step father to my oldest. I don’t feel ready to leave. Woman’s aid told me that people often don’t feel ready in the beginning but we’ve been unhappy for (detail removed by moderator) and I still haven’t left. I’m beginning to think my life will look like this forever. Please can anyone offer me any advice? I’m struggling so much with it all and I feel like I can’t talk to anyone because I don’t actually know myself what is happening.

[tryingtosleep]

Hi lostsoul123
I’m sorry to hear that you are struggling – and that you have had to put up with this kind of behaviour.
It is good though that you have been receiving therapy.
Only you will know when you are ready to leave. He is a grown up though – and he should be able to look after himself. You are not responsible for him.
It’s really hard to know who to open up to. Is it possible to get some more therapy to help you work through these problems?
Also if you can – try and write down as much as possible about what is happening to you. It might help you reflect on where you are and what you have had to deal with.
Wishing you luck xx

[Better-days]

Lostsoul123 much of what u describe is very similar to my situation my partner is not controlling dosnt smash things or anything but the mental put down and making me feel I’m not doing enough way he speaks to me is shocking at times. I tried once to leave and he did flip which led me this forum which was 3 years ago and here I am still in the relationship. What I have done tho is gained massive strength through this forum explored my options for leaving and opened up to a friend. This I wouldn’t have done it’s small steps but it dosnt matter how long you take when you’re ready you will. Keep posting and contact local woman’s aid when you are ready x

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