Will I ever get my things?

[Brudge123]

I left my house with my kids and my dog around (detail removed by Moderator) ago. We have been living off donations. (detail removed by Moderator) I was too scared to go home so I went into refuge. They had me in the highest risk category (murder risk) so I’m glad I didn’t go back.
The trouble is that my kids are missing their toys and I have now found a house to rent but I have nothing to put in it. I need to buy everything and I have no money. My family are helping me a lot but can’t afford to buy me much.
Ex has said I can come into the house but he will be there or his brother and father (who have both been sending me abusive messages and neither have an undertaking not to harass me. I’m terrified to go back, as are my friends and family who I would ask to do it on my behalf.
We aren’t married to apparently legally I’m only entitled to things that are definitely mine, so it’s not like I’ll be getting much since I didn’t work and wasn’t really allowed money, but I’d still like my clothes and a few personal items and the things for the kids.
Has anyone been through something similar? Any advice? How long did it take?
Thank you, xx

[KIP.]

You can ask the police to accompany you and they can keep him away from you when you go. If you still have keys can you go there when he is out? I wouldn’t tell him you’re going. If the court says you have access to the home then there’s nothing preventing you. Another stupid decision by the court that makes a woman and children homeless but I’m glad you have a new home on the horizon. This one will be safe and your own to close the door on whoever you choose. Try to make sure he doesn’t have the address x he won’t agree to anything so don’t ask him. Cut him out and go get your stuff when he’s not there x

[KIP.]

Keep the abusive messages to show the police as the reasons why you’re scared and need protection. Talk to the domestic abuse police unit. Do you have support from your local women’s aid? They might be able to help with transport and support you with retrieving your belongings and those of the kids.

[KIP.]

In answer to your question if you’re waiting on him returning them then no you won’t get your things back. You need to be pro active and arrange this behind his back.

[HopeLifeJoy]

If you’ve been categorised as high risk, I would definitely NOT retrieve any items, even when he says he’s not there, he could be lying. Apparently his brother and father are as dangerous as him since they send abusive text too. You would go straight into a snakes nest, I’d be concerned of them all carrying out some form of vengeance, cornering you, physically assaulting you, breaking your bones or causing you a concussion and let it look like an accident.

Go with a few strong Police officers, let them know you’re high risk and that your ex, his brother and father all might be waiting for you in the house.
Or take the decision of leaving the items all-together.
Know that you can replace material, even sentimental ones, I know it’s difficult and even frustrating. Use your anger to move your life forward.
What you can’t replace is your health, safety and your very own life. You are too important for yourself, your children and your dog. Keep yourself SAFE always. This should be your absolute priority whenever thinking of steps or actions to take.

I hope your children have been able to take their one favourite toy with them, that should be enough as safety blanket, let them grieve for the rest. Children are resilient and will learn to bounce back in their new environment with new toys even if it’s fewer to begin with. This is the start of a new life. It will only get better.

I left with nothing. I had to buy everything new. When I missed an item of sentimental value, I cried (and raged) over it, grieved, saved up and went out and bought a better version to make up for it. 💪

You have chosen so well to go to a refuge and now even receiving your own house, take it all in for a moment, breathe deeply and be very proud of your accomplishments 👍 🙂

Stay safe & strong

[Fudgecake]

Hi,
I left with virtually nothing. It was the price I paid for freedom. It’s been a while since I left and I’m still gathering new things to replace the things I had. And I think the word “things “ is key here. That’s just what they are…things. Things can be replaced, a life cannot. I left things I had since childhood, my kid left things too. It’s hard sometimes to think of the sentimental irreplaceable things but we all have to leave things behind eventually. They are material goods in the end. But your life, safety and well being are irreplaceable whilst you walk this earth. I would never go back and beg for what’s mine and that’s what I’d have to do..he’d get off on the controlling power trip. My advice for what it’s worth is to cut it off and consider it lost. It’s just material goods whereas your life isn’t and bargaining with the devil is dangerous.

[Camel]

It’s always hard to leave things behind but in your situation you really must. It’s most concerning that you are in contact with your ex. He’s dangerous. Is it honestly worth the risk?

There is financial assistance for families fleeing abuse. If you are claiming benefits (or will be) for assistance with housing and so on, you need to let them know your circumstances as soon as possible. You also need to provide evidence. You can claim for a grant to furnish a home, for example.

I’m no expert so ask your support worker to help.

[Brudge123]

I’m not in contact with my ex, only through solicitors. Unfortunately I’m going to have to co-parent with this man too. It’s very much looks like he will be getting the kids every other weekend (hopefully the kids tell cafcass how scared they are of him).
I’ve managed to furnish my home with donations and the help of a lovely bit of festive cheer. I’ve been overwhelmed with the support. The main thing I’m missing is my grandmother’s (detail removed by Moderator) collection. It’s worth about (detail removed by Moderator) and I was hoping to be able to sell rather a lot of it so I can get the deposit together for a house 😬

[KIP.]

I’d get a man and van and go and collect that (detail removed by Moderator) as soon as possible before he destroys it. You can ask the police to go with you x or send someone else. You cannot co parent with an abuser. They will anti parent at every opportunity. Get a contact order and all contact via a third party or contact centre. Keep a journal of his behaviour. Because you will need it for court and cafcas. Make sure your cafcas officer is fully trained and experienced in domestic abuse and coercive control.

[Author]

Posts