Will it ever end? My short story

[Notmenow]

It will be exactly (detail removed by moderator).
I left my ex after only being together for about (removed by moderator). The first (removed by moderator) months was ‘normal’. Then he wanted us to move in together. I ignored all my feelings about it being too soon and let him persuade me with his charm that it was right. (Removed by moderator) after moving in together he started mentioning a baby. He said he didn’t want to get married but again I ignored all my feelings as I wanted marriage first and I wasn’t ready for a baby. He somehow convinced me and I was pregnant. Then it all started… little things like he would get home late from work, stay out all night and come home drunk, then the gambling, and not going to work etc which as well as that he became verbally abusive which turned to controlling and turned to violence and forcing himself on me. The whole time he convinced me it was my hormones, me being stupid, it was all in my head. I carried on like this as he convinced me that if I told anyone, the baby would be taken away. Saying now I have a baby, I can’t leave him, nobody wants me, I’m a failure if I’m a single mum etc etc. Every single night I lived like this not knowing if he was going to hurt me or what he would shout at me for or what he would do as a punishment. Never did he do it in public. I eventually left with help from my health visitor and went into emergency accommodation when out baby was (removed by moderator) old. He had forced me out of the rented home I paid for, I was on maternity leave and had no money. I was in emergency accom for (removed by moderator) with a baby. I was scared and alone. I returned to work part time with some help with benefits, I myself a two bedroom flat, made it a home and slowly started fresh. He was still calling me begging me back but all I was interested in was contact for our daughter and sorting that out. (Removed by moderator) he was still continuing with his abuse although not physical using our child as my weakness. I told him (stupid I know) where I lived. Apart from that, he knows nothing else, I changed my numbers, bank details and doesn’t know were I work. He only knows where I live. (Removed by moderator) years on and I am strong… although I thought I was until (removed by moderator). He has over the (removed by moderator) years turned up always drunk trying to get in my flat, abusive and violent. I’ve had a non-mol on him which kept him away but was back as soon as it expired. He’s not interested in his child, or me in that fact. He only wants what I can provide him which is a home and money. I have come so far and my job is really good, just started full time now daughter is at school and the flat is lovely and homely. I’m saving for a new car to replace my old rusty and things are looking up, although there has not been another man. For the first (removed by moderator) years they disgusted me. Now I am back in court trying to get another non-mol as (detail removed by moderator). I really don’t know if I can put up with this anymore. Will it ever stop? Will he ever go away? I will never take him back. So exhausted I feel like all my hard work is failing.

[Confused123]

HI HUn

Just read your post and wanted to give u some support. Sounds like u r doing so well for yourseslf, wellldone. |Does it ever stop? Well we all have our own different stories, but u r doing all the rights things, all i can suggest is move closer to family but u might not want to do that if u r happy at work, get positive support around u or move again but local and dont disclose the address. U r right sadly they just want to use us for our house and money

[fizzylem]

Sounds awful Notmenow; yes I can also relate to your some of your story. I met a parasite as well, no emotion, no support – all about his needs only, a n********t to the core – always my fault! Apparently and I am the mental, sick, twisted, bitter one – lol. I kicked him out (removed by moderator) years ago and he has continued to terrorise me through our daughter – totally disregarding me as her parent. I want to get ten thousand miles away from him. What is a non-mol? I’ve just written a parental agreement with clear, firm boundaries in it, and how we will operate and who is responsible for what (he has practically zero parental responsibilities now she’s with me full-time, he only wants her (detail removed by moderator), so that can be managed). Really hoping the agreement will protect both my daughter and me and we have now both signed it. Really hoping this will keep him away but part of me feels don’t fool yourself. Can see it ending in court eventually. I’ve decided not to engage with him at all now, when he does stupid things with my daughter we will work through these just mum and daughter together at home – Rightly or wrongly I’ve always shielded her from the stupid things he’s done, the lousy, selfish, irresponsible parent he is and she still thinks she’s got the best dad ever, which is right at her age, but she’s now about to find out how things really are for herself – it will be ok though, it will make her stronger once we’ve talked it all though. I didn’t want to have any contact at all and racked my brain for weeks re how can I get around him not having my new number or emailing me – then my adult son said why don’t you send (removed by moderator) with a diary and then you can update one another here – use it as a message board and I will take the emergency calls if needed. Great idea huh! Now feeling a lot safer. This man sounds like he doesn’t understand what boundaries are whatsoever, mine on the other hand understands there is a need for our parental agreement but will often trample over my boundaries anyway when it suits him. I’ve decided I am not dealing with him anymore – anything I need to sort now will be via using an agency (CSA, childrens services, solicitor). He now has a new woman and has decided I am his dirty secret, he wants me gone, so I think I will be ok for a bit now, the thing he cares about more in the world right now is not his daughter, its me meeting this woman, which is absurd as I have no interest in either of them, unless she starts to spend time with my daughter. Suppose he does not want me sharing my experience of him hey, how badly he has treated me. I don’t know this woman but feel for her, feel she’s in danger, but what can I do, nothing, its a big enough job trying to work out how to protect me and my daughter. It will be all good for the first year, while he’s hooking her in, then she’ll be confused for a few years trying to work out what’s going on – awful time, truly. So long winded reply, but yes he will give up at some point, you’ve maybe noticed a pattern already, when he’s otherwise sucking someone else’s blood or distracted in some way it gives you a break. Sad that it is that he is feeding off someone else and making her life a misery though isn’t it. Have you got folk around you that you can get some emotional support from when its at it worst? Stay strong and when you feel like you need a cry and some support go and get it – remember it comes in waves and maybe think around is there anything else I can do that will help me to feel anymore safer x

[Notmenow]

Thanks for your replies. I live close to family and friends but the difficult thing is they are not supportive… probably because they don’t understand and haven’t been through it themselves. I try not to talk to my friends about it and my family just seem like it’s all above their head trying to get them to really understand. I have a few close people I can talk to, my boss in great and my neighbours are too.

There is a pattern where he stays away when he’s sucking off of someone else and then when they’ve had enough or something goes wrong he’s back at my door. I’m so much stronger now and don’t fall for him at all but still feel like he’s hanging around. We have a (detail removed by Moderator) year old together who he isn’t interested in. He pressured me into having a baby when I wasn’t ready and now I know it was so he can control me ‘forever’ using her as a reason to pop back in my life whenever he needs ‘drug’ money or has been made homeless for not paying his rent.

An non-molestation order is an injunction that stops him from coming near me, contacting me, getting others to contact me for him, stalking etc. It only lasts 12 months though. The last time I got one it worked but as soon as it expired he was back.

[Ayanna]

You have done incredibly well.
Yes, this will end.
Did you hear of the changes in family law regarding abusive fathers?
The fact that you already had a non mol order is in your favour.
If you need help with the new non mol order contact the NCDV. They are brilliant with writing statements and arranging court dates.
Call the police every time he turns up at your place. When there is a record of such calls this will be in your favour too. You are entitled to ring 999 when you feel scared and/or threatened.
If there are several calls the police might decide to arrest him. You can fight this man.

Keep posting! Keep up the fight! You will win!

[Author]

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