Will my body be mine again?

[AlwaysSorry]

I’ve not written anything on here for a while. I’m scared of it getting deleted so am trying now to keep it as generic as possible.

It sounds stupid to say but I’m still struggling to say the r-word. Even though I know it was. And I can’t be in my body anymore. I sleep as much as possible. Then when I have to I will eat something and be completely repulsed trying not to vomit it right back up. I mostly just drink liquids as it’s easier to get and keep down. I’m disgusted by myself. Very self critical thinking I should have done more but also knowing exactly what I’d say to someone else who had experienced what I did. I know it’s not my fault but I hate being in my body. It’s like it’s not mine. He destroyed me
Please tell me it gets better and it becomes mine again please

[KIP.]

Yes it gets better. Everything is muddled just now due to the trauma youve suffered/are suffering. Your brain is only part working. I reckon for the first two years after I was free I was working only with 40% brain power. This meant I didn’t have the reasoning I have now. I couldn’t concentrate on books and you can forget taking directions on driving. I could not see how everything would eventually fall into place, but it does. Even now I’d say I’m only at 65% brain power. PTSD still biting me now and again. Too much activity and stress and I feel myself losing it again. So there is no quick fix. Just follow the advice of the professionals. Don’t put any pressure on yourself to heal overnight. The reality is it’s a hard painful struggle but you will get there in the end. Failure is not an option x I found it impossible to say the r word for six months. Struck dump. Rape crisis have a great helpline if you need to talk to through. There will be good days and bad days. Hopefully tomorrow will be a good one x

[Escapee]

It does and it will.

Is you GP aware of what you have gone through and how you feel?
If not, please, please go and talk to them.
If they do, please go and talk to them again.

Have you spoken to R*** Crisis? They have people who can help you.

My heart is breaking for you, you will get through this.

Sending you so much love xxxx

[HopeLifeJoy]

Hi darling it’s very good to hear from you, i was wondering how you were. I am so sorry about your suffering, I wish I could take your pain away for you magically.
Your body will become yours again honey, you will feel comfortable and safe again, you will love it again with all your heart. Because your body is good, it has done nothing wrong. You body has been a victim and has suffered at the hands of this evil monster that your ex is and that’s not your fault.
Expel the disgust you feel where it belongs; onto your ex. It’s his poison, his crime.
Disconnecting from your body isn’t an option. You’ll fall ill.
Let your mind take back some control and instruct yourself to some daily physical care.
Start slow and keep it simple. Just by giving yourself the nutrition – even liquids as you are already doing – is taking care of yourself. Then progress onto to smoothies. Then soups. Take a nice relaxing bath/shower. Put on your favourite comfy clothes. Keeping up a daily routine will strengthen you. The same morning and evening routine will structure your day, give you something to hold on to.
Treat your five basic senses to help yourself reconnect with your body again; touch, sight, hearing, smell and taste. Treat your mind as well for intellectual stimulus. With gentle care, you’ll love and own your entire body again.
I think it is indeed a good idea to contact Rape Crisis, that’ll probably have some good advice too.
Sending you lots of love and strength, you’ll get through this my lovely 💪 💕

[Author]

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