Wish time would stand still while I get myself back.

[littlemixedup]

I have lads of great dreams, desires, hopes of how I want to live my life and how I could live actually feeling happy but I seem to make so many mistakes. I am socialable and friendly but due to my low mood i dont think I ever show my fun side. Yeah sure i laugh and smile and joke but i often don’t feel like I’m being genuine. I also hold myself back from freely expressing myself. I feel flat most of the time. I’s like I’ve not been given my dose of sugar. I’ve been like this a lot of my life not just due to my ex. I know when I feel good and it’s awesome, I’m unstoppable but it’s short lived. I wish we could have a groundhog day to test out my ideas of how to act in some situations then I could learn the right social skills on what makes people like me. I feel like I’m stuck in a dull circle.
Anyone else feel the same? Any advice?

[Confused123]

HI HUn

THink we just have to mix in and mix in with people we feel comfortable with, i always am parnoid when i go out, but no one can sense it , its a mixture of feleing ok and being nervous around new people, just tsake each day as it comes

[Anonymous]

Hi yes I feel exactly the same like it’s me whose dull & boring & that I’m just not like everyone else & I too think like I’ve been like it most of my life. It wasn’t until leaving the dv/abuse that I have managed to work out why, He re traumatised every bit of childhood trauma I have realised that I have always been shy as a result, been very wary of people (except him!!!) I allowed myself to believe he was this shy man who would never hurt Me. That shy man turned out to be the biggest abuser of my life because of his own insecurities. He slowly buy surely took all my strong points away & destroyed me, hence making himself look important. Confused 123 is exactly right, mix with people like you who won’t make you feel inferior for being you x

[Confused123]

JUst be patient with yourself hun, recovery is slow for a reason to make sure we heal, i think all of our ex told us we were the most boring person in world and left us with a parnoria, i personally have decided just to be myself , if people like me then good, if they dont that just means i havent met my crowd yet, im sure we allnot that horrible as they said, i meet loads of people and am always taken back when they say you are so nice , it was their loss they couldnt accept or respect us . I remember when i was with ex , he made very clear how he found me vile, fat,could do better than me , blah blah blah, soon as i left him i was suddenly ms sexy again

[Knots]

Are you sure you have always been like this, even before the abusive relationship? The abuse doesn’t just affect the way you feel now, but can distort the way you view your past and your personality. As my own noose is loosening I have had glimpses of a different me. I described myself as basically depressive even though on the surface I could look happy, nothing really felt good, being out with friends was like searching for happiness, but the realisation it was out of my grasp made me think that was my natural state and I couldn’t feel proper happiness. This then fed into the idea that it wasn’t worth leaving my husband as I’d still be unhappy. Recently I spent time with someone and felt a real joy, no bottom line misery, just really happy. It disappeared, but returns a little bit every so often when things look more positive, so now the cats out of the bag it is another reason for me to leave my husband.
The other thing my husband has done is made me view my past as one where I can cruel to those I had relationships with before I met him, so I saw myself as mean and deserving of what I got from him. I had this view directly challenged when I apologised to an ex, he didn’t know what I was talking about.
You need to get to know yourself again. Just do things you may enjoy and don’t try to force things. A more positive outlook will gradually appear as you heal, you can’t force it. You will be able to feel more positive emotions as you gain a sense of yourself away from an abuser. And don’t compare yourself to others, you don’t know how they are really feeling inside.
Good luck, keep going it will always be better than being with an abuser.

[Serenity]

Hi Little Mixed Up,

Trauma- even residue trauma from childhood that’s not been dealt with- can make you feel anxious at times and unable to let go. Living with an abuser certainly wipes the smile off your face. I remember my ex saying towards the end that I never laughed. He even stupidly told me to tell him a joke. He perfectly well knew he’d made my life hell and tried to ruin anything that gave me any joy. This was yet another example of his warped behaviour.

I agree with Knots, that our present state can make us look at ourselves and back at our past with tainted specs. It could be that you’ve forgotten the times you were carefree and more lighthearted?

Also, certain people make you smile: others don’t. Spend time with people who seem to be kindred spirits, who put you at ease and make you feel happy.

One thing I will say is to not to try to fit in with society’s view or others’ views of how you should be. You know who you are and shouldn’t change your essential personality to fit anyone. You should embrace the person you are.

I’m from a family of very loud and dominant people. When I was a child, I was called the ‘sensitive’ ( and even over-sensitive) and ‘serious’ one. There was a time when I questioned whether I should be more like them, but it didn’t ring true for me to be like hem, so I stuck with who I was. Well, now I can see clearly that these family members can be controlling and domineering and even abusive. Even their partners complain that they are.

My ex was very loud and flamboyant: I used to admire his extraversion and his ability to be the focus of a room. Now I know that this was all just a fake public persona, and his behaviour your was carefully cultivated to get from people what he wanted. I don’t admire him at all anymore: in fact the thought of his big booming voice and memories of him being loud in social occasions makes me sick.

There’s no right or wrong way to be. The Myers-Briggs personality type indicator shows how there are many different personality types, all as valid as each other.

You know who the real you is, and you should be that, and do the things that make you feel strong and alive. What’s important is that you’re authentically you. If you think that something’s holding you back or not allowing you to be fully yourself, then you could deal with that, but certainly don’t change to fit in with other people.

[littlemixedup]

Hi everyone thank you for your replies and advice. I have also since had a counselling session to which they have agreed that thoughts if my past could be distorted. As a way forward I am to practice halting negative thoughts when they happen and think positively. It could be that I’m listening too much to the negatives which brings me down. Now instead of analysing my every move/conversation/appearance I now think of what is ahead – what is for tea/what are my next day plans/things to look forward to etc. Ive been doing this and wow, I realised how much negative stuff I have to halt. It’s going to take a while to retrain my brain into being naturally positive but I definately not giving up : )

Sending hugs to you all x*x

[Anonymous]

Hi I totally agree that abusers make every attempt to take away all we enjoy on life, also they make us doubt ourselves so much that we re evaluate every single aspect of our lives going back to childhood. My abuser would never talk about his life, his past, his own trail of vile connections, yet he managed to know everything about me, It’s almost like he was jealous of every healthy relationship I’d ever had, & had whilst with him so set out to destroy it all, make himself look the victim by telling people “You don’t know what she is like” She had issues when I met her! The truth was I’d had hellish things happen many years, He’d acted like a knight in shining armour, now I know all he saw was someone who had already tolerated a great deal, someone low he could manipulate & abuse further. I have searched my soul over the trust thing, it would be wonderful to be able to truly trust someone again x

[Author]

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