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When they cant get you to break no contact?
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I imagine they feel angry.
I bet they feel like a victim and they have no idea why you are mistreating them.
They always feel the abuse is justified, so in turn they feel your no contact is unjustified.
Their view on reality is so f****d up.
They way I see it. When I leave he will have a fit and say i ruined his life. He will switch to victim mode. Nothing is ever his fault.
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”We want closure which is never going to come in a way that we want but we can find closure by No Contact. We want to be heard, want them to know the pain they’ve caused but they are never going to listen and if they do, they don’t hear the words. What we often miss is the beauty of “No Contact.” You are finally saying No More. It is your voice without the words but they hear it loud and clear as if you screamed from the top of your lungs – “Go to the Devil.” No Contact is your pure and sweet rejection. It is empowering. It is your last word. It is your closure. It is one of the most hurtful n**********c injuries you could inflict. They have finally come to understand you know just who and what they are. They know the tricks do not work anymore. They know you are no longer prey or a pawn in their game. It is your last word.”
Unfortunately because of the nature of who they are, namely abusers, through and through, they will use anything we tell them that we don’t like, they will do, to upset us. Now if we told a normal person not to do such and such because it would hurt us, the normal person would refrain from doing it. But abusers, true to their nature, will always do the thing that will upset us the most.
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Yes it really seems to throw them when we go no contact. It seems to be one of the only things they really don’t like, because they seem to both enjoy it when we think they are wonderful or when they see us angry and sad, as if they get excitement from seeing our emotions and the power they have over us.
After I left it was eerie how his behaviour fit the ‘what to expect when you leave an abuser’ descriptions I read online. In his hoovering messages he said that he ‘didn’t expect things to end so soon’ and that he was struggling being ‘cut off’ from me as if I was some kind of power supply! The tone of his messages was all over the place like he didn’t quite know which manipulation technique to use because he could no longer observe me. He went from sounding disappointed then to worried then to angry then to heartbroken then back to casually saying he was there for me. Throughout all the messages there was a request for me to get in touch with him to ‘let me know how you are.’ The hoovering messages were weird and not at all like the post breakup messages I had received in the past from my normal ex boyfriends as they lacked a certain genuineness, honesty and hurt that most normal men seem to show after a breakup.
I like the fact that me going no contact must have really annoyed and thrown him, but the only problem is that I think I partly like it because it means getting validation from him, ie. validation that I was actually worthy and did matter. I need to learn how to give myself this validation, I still haven’t figured that out yet.
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When we go No Contact, also they would feel weak, uneasy/restless if they didn’t have more supply (another intimate partner) lined up. They may still have members of their family, workplace or friends that they can hurt and ‘get one up on’, but their reactions wouldn’t be as sustaining to them as ours. That’s why they almost always secure another victim/appliance/intimate partner, to get the copious amounts of fuel they so desperately need to waive off that feeling of weakness/powerless in themselves which they so despise.
They are addicted to feeling powerful and in control and they will do anything to get it, even hurting their own off-spring, vulnerable elderly and animals in the process. As they do not feel remorse or guilt and have no empathy or conscience they quite easily can hurt who they like.
They will rarely stop the cycle of abuse (unless fresh supply comes along) that we are caught in with them. They like it that way.
We are the only ones who can stop it!
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This is exactly what I’m going through at the moment and what you say is making so much more sense now. Thankyou.
He is frustrated why I’m being cold and refusing contact and I should give him another chance centre despite his (detail removed by Moderator) actually being a major reason for me choosing to leave. They only way I could secure my future with my children was a no contact and it’s only through that I realised just how much he controlled me and I realised he was mentally abusing and grooming me.But he is heartbroken, suicidal and frustrated and I won’t give him another chance! I really couldn’t care less now. my children are my priority!!!
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When I split with my husband his first few
mesaages were about how I was punishing him by remaining silent. Yeah like I wasn’t a complete wreck after he sexually assaulted me!!
I was punishing him and being influenced somehow to go down the divorce path by the police! ??!-
I worked out eventually that he felt I was punishing him and winning by going no contact, he felt angry that she’s got the control, when in reality this is what he does to me. Its like judging someone with your own standards hey, or what you say is what you are. I have found this to be true so often, your controlling, twisted, sick, arrogant – is actually him describing himself. I went no contact simply because I wanted it to stop.
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Apparently I’ve been brainwashed by social services and I’m severely depressed and incapable of making my own decisions. He had made me very dependant on him quiet early on and treated me well. It’s the lies, secrets and manipulation.
my silence has broken him and he can’t understand why that if I love him why I won’t give him another chance. One he’s not worthy of another chance and two even if I did find him worthy I would loose my children due to his (detail removed by Moderator) so I’m not willing to take that chance. -
I got taught a lesson; (detail removed by Moderator) Afterwards my solicitor advised me to set up email contact just for information only – so that there is evidence in future, this did open me up to some abuse again. I don’t really understand it – it feels as if because I am a parent I have to keep the line of communication open and take his abuse? I can see that it benefits my daughter us having communication sometimes, but it does not help me at all, in his mind this is also a small victory, after I had gone no contact for several months.
I think you can only really go full no contact if there is an order of some kind in place, or you don’t have children with him. When I went no contact it worked very well for me, I felt that I was saying no more, you cant get at me now, your power has gone – so he got angry and ramped it up.
He can only access me now in this way, his email does not come to my outlook, I have to log in online so I decide when I read it. He only really attacks the mother in me nowadays because he knows this is a big part of who I am, and this is the only part of me he has access to. It doesn’t really affect now, his actions can cause us problems yes, but his words no, I don’t really read his emails properly when they’re abusive, more I glide over it thinking more evidence if I later need it. I have so much evidence now it will be difficult to choose which of it to use.
I do wish I could cut him off completely – maybe one day hey. (detail removed by Moderator) I will definitely be requesting that no contact be made legal. He also seemed to be under the impression that he has a right to our new address when we move, he does not, I have a right to my privacy above his desire to know exactly where we live, my solicitor assured me of this.
In answer to your question, in my case I know he has no remorse whatsoever – he is callous, cold and heartless, concerned only with his own survival and meeting his own needs, he’s moved onto his next victim to suck the life out of now. My ex has no capacity to think about what it might feel like for someone else, I can see this now, he imitates emotional maturity only when it suits him, its like a get out of jail free card in the game of life for him. He’s very good at storytelling and placing himself in the centre as the victim. Blame, blame, blame is his game. He is in in denial and sees nothing wrong in his behaviour, although I do know he purposely hides his dark behaviour from the view of others well too – so on some level he does know he is causing misery, he even gets off on it. I imagine that the emotions that would come with feeling even a small amount of responsibility would be too dreadful to bare; blame is the preferred method to avoid these.
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To be honest I really don’t care how he feels about my no contact I only care about the power it gives me over him!
I get emails – they are automatically saved in a folder I rarely look at as i too save them for evidence. He sets up new email addresses from time to time which means he gets access to me – that usually results in a rise in my blood pressure and if theres a flurry of activity i send a standard response…. I do not want you to contact me….. and then block the new address. He knows police will be called if he persists so it shuts him up. I really hope it irritates the pants off him that I don’t respond.
I know I’m in for a new flurry of messages as solicitor been in touch over finances again as he’s still dragging his heels but I’ll persist with my solid wall of ignoring him.
No contact is what really saved me – it was so hard but so worth it!
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