Wondering if I’ve done the right thing.

[Anon321123]

I split from my husband just over (detail removed by Moderator) weeks ago and I got a non mol (detail removed by Moderator). Since then though I’ve really missed him and knowing I can’t see him for (detail removed by Moderator) is tearing me apart. I don’t know if it’s just Xmas but I properly broke yesterday when I had toys to build and had to do it on my own. It’s just so hard to be a single parent. We have had contact but I only about the kids as per the terms of the non mol. I really don’t know what to do but I just feel completely broken like I’ve just lost my soul mate.

[Hereforhelp]

Hey Anon, it is really hard at first, you loved that man and trusted him and he has abuses you. What were your other Christmas’s like? If he was with you all now how would you feel? Someone on this forum asked me that when I missed the estranged (husband). In truth I would’ve been walking on eggshells, full of anxiety and figuring out how to keep the peace, I did anything to keep the peace.

You have done incredibly well to get the non Mol in place to keep you all safe, stay strong and keep posting ❤❤

[Wants To Help]

Hi Anon,

You have come such a long way in just a short time of joining this forum and all that has happened within the last few weeks. I believe you have absolutely done the right thing and you have done everything you can to get things in place to protect you. Is he still on bail or is the police investigation closed now?

I can understand that your emotions are all over the place and I have read over your previous posts and can see that you are having good days and bad days. All of us do, it’s (sadly) a part of the journey we are on and can’t be avoided.

Christmas Day is that b****y day of the year isn’t it?! The one day that if we’re not part of the media obsessed ‘perfect family’ then it really hits home that we’ve failed in some way! But hey, you built toys by yourself, that’s great. Who said that was a man’s job anyway? Your kids have got an awesome mum who is completely capable all by herself 🙂

Being a single parent is hard, I know, I’ve done it since mine was (detail removed by Moderator) years old and he’s now an adult. It’s so rewarding though. Him growing up in a calm and peaceful home that’s had no conflict in it at all, where he’s been able to have friends round for tea after school, sleep overs at weekends. He’s aware of the conflict between me and his Dad, he can remember some of it, but I got out early enough for it not to have a lasting effect, and overall he’s a very grounded young man now and the past hasn’t had too much of an effect on him – thank God.

You haven’t lost your soul mate, you are grieving for the man you wanted, not the man you had. I’ve read what you had to deal with and that’s not how a soul mate treats someone. But, this is that time of year for nostalgia where we look back with rose tinted glasses and see what we want to see, not what really happened.

Carry on as you are and stay strong and determined for a better life for you and the children. You will gain new skills you never thought you could or would. I can do basic plumbing, change light switches, simple DIY, take my car battery off and charge it up, change a wheel on the car. Anything more complex I pay a professional to come and do it. We are very capable people, but if our abusers tell us we’d be no good without them for long enough we do start to believe them. It’s all BS, they tend to be the ones who are incapable without us – that’s why they move on to another woman so quickly.

You’re not broken hun, you’re just bruised at the moment

xx

[Anon321123]

Hi Hereforhelp. I think if he were here now I’d be worrying about money and he’d be drunk and moaning about my family. I’d also be walking on eggshells and doing anything to keep the peace. I’m with you on that one, I’d just do anything to avoid an argument which I’d inevitably lose anyway. Its just a massive change.

Hi wantstohelp. I think everything blew up when I had an educational session on domestic abuse at work so things have moved a bit quickly. There were no charges against him due to lack of evidence but it’s just one of those things I guess. The non mol is a civil order after he was NFAed.

I did build the toys by myself and that’s a massive thing! My mum always taught me not to rely on a man and I need to get myself back to that way of thinking. I also think that if I’d have stayed with him my kids wouldn’t have been able to have friends round and I really want one of those houses where anyone feels welcome.

You made me cry with your response and I absolutely can do it but it’s going to be massively hard juggling shift work and kids. I’m so grateful for my family being so supportive and feel better just having people reply on here. I just feel like nobody in the real world understands because they just expect me to get over it because it was abusive. It’s just not that simple.

[Wants To Help]

Hi anon,

I confused your situation with someone else, I do realise now that your ex was released NFA and it was after this that you went and got the Non Mol, you clearly stated this in your previous posts. Sorry I wasn’t paying attention properly when I replied – and on top of that big faux pas I have also made you cry!! Arrggghhhh. Now I hope that made you laugh 🙂

xx

[Anon321123]

Cry in a good way. I’m just overemotional lately. You did just make me smile though. 😊

[Hopefulgreyrock]

I think its normal. I miss mine like a drug. Its horrible. Horrible. But I know I can’t have any communication with him. We’ve got to keep on going. We’ve got this! Day by day. Minute by minute. You can do this.

[Anon321123]

There’s definitely good days and bad days. He claims he wants to see the kids but actually just wants to get me back. I’ve come close to breaking a few times but it’s definitely a case of mind Vs heart. I know I need to stay strong but him not ‘being able to have the kids’ is definitely not working to his advantage. And now I’m back to work after Xmas I barely have time to think anyway.

Keep strong Hopefulgreyrock!

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