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What if I had understood him more? What if i had got a professional involved maybe they could have got him to realise the problem he had with addiction? Got him to realise his rages weren’t normal? Did I do enough? Or did I abandon him when I could have saved the man I love? I did love him so much I really did. Could he of changed? Today’s a day of missing him. I know eventually it will pass. I think it’s the nice weather I’m thinking of what we would be doing? It’s like I keep forgetting why I left and all I can think about is this is my life now on my own. I’m trying to make step forwards for my children and really want to but struggle with thinking did I give up on him? I keep reading on here to people saying about they’ve got their freedom back and I do have moments when I feel like that. But then this wave comes over me and I want to contact him.
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I feel for you, Yellowflower, I really do. I went through all of this as well. I missed him so much and I missed the nice things that we did together. If these men were 100% abusive from day one, we would never have let a relationship develop. But we had good times with them and it’s normal to miss the good times and push the memory of the bad times to the back of the mind. Like you, I experienced the waves of longing and wanting to make contact. I am very glad I resisted as I know I would have been drawn back in – and I know I would have regretted it and had to go through the heartache and anxiety of leaving all over again (with even more damage to my wellbeing). What really helped me resist contacting him was writing out a list on my phone of all the reasons I left, including descriptions of some of the dreadful things he did. My list was very long! I would read it every day single day – and sometimes add to it as things came back to me. It definitely helped me not push the bad things to the back of my mind.
Maybe what we miss is the nice parts of being in a relationship? Those things can be found with someone else some day, someone who doesn’t extract a huge price for them. I’m not looking to meet anyone – I’m getting on a bit! But, I’m assuming that you are younger than me.
When you ask yourself if you gave up on him, remember to tell yourself that going back to him would be giving up on yourself. Please don’t give up on yourself 🙂
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It’s painful isn’t it? I can relate to everything you say as will many others. I really struggle on a lovely day. And those thoughts of ‘what if’ and ‘did I act right or do enough’ are tortuous. I suppose the (painful) answer to that is that it’s not all down to us. They have a responsibility to bear too. It’s just easier to blame ourselves in our yearning moments and we succumb to what they want us to believe – that it’s us and not them. They want us to take all the blame but we don’t need to. Reflective and empathic people will always bear the brunt it seems. Stay strong especially for the precious children x
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I’m also having a day like this today. Finding myself talking through scenarios in my head of contacting him and even have been dreaming of him the last couple of nights but all the amazing things. My son (from a previous relationship) has been reminiscing about how great he was today and talking through some of the happy memories which is hard to hear sometimes, BUT I remind myself of all the bad things and look at my diary and my phone with all my notes and remember. Also I find it helps if I put myself in his shoes, and imagine what I would be doing if I truly cared about me and my children…it’s completely different. We should be treated how we would treat them. The more time goes on with no contact, the stronger we will become! Just think about if you had to go through all of this again not just for you but for your kids, I know I simply couldn’t as if the wrong decision was made, I know I would never leave again.
Big hugs Yellowflower xx
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It is hard. I’m also feeling a bit like that tonight. A good idea to have a list on your phone. I kept very detailed journals and I reread them when I’m feeling a wobble coming on. Remembering how terrified I was on numerous occasions puts it all in perspective and stops me thinking of daft sentimental stuff that was never actually our relationship, but what I had wished it would be. The reality was somewhat different. Stay strong! Xx
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My ex is an alcoholic and I tried to get him help. Got to the point of getting rehab, then he refused to go after weeks of saying he couldn’t wait to start. Addicts are master manipulators and have to learn to be responsible for themselves. You couldn’t have made him face his addictions if he didn’t want to, no matter what you did
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I loved the man I thought my ex was, not who he actually was.
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I posted this on here a while ago, but just in case you missed it….
Let go of what is killing you even if it is killing you to let go
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I think you’ve probably lived all of your ‘what ifs’. What is I’d been nicer to him. I tried that. What is I’d given him more sex. I tried that. What if I cleaned the house harder. I did that. What if I took him on holiday because his job was stressful. I tried that. What if I helped him stop drinking. I tried that. What if I allowed him to drink. I tried that. What if I gave up my work and ran after him 24/7. I tried that. What if I loved him more than anything else. I tried that. I still ended up assaulted, broken, mentally destroyed. As far as I’m concerned after the first time they abused us there are no more what ifs x
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