Won’t marry me but wants my pension money

[Rainydays]

I’ve sought your advice before and those who have seen my name will think I am a complete looser for not yet walking away ……………………. been together now (detail removed by moderator) years (no sign of marriage from him to me, even when I’ve asked if we will ever marry me – he just blanks me) and he’s decided he doesn’t want to work anymore, instead he wants me to cash in my pensions so that he doesn’t have to work (but I still will be working). Every day he is badgering me to contact my pension people, get my pension money out, so that he doesn’t have to work – on top of which, he wants us to move (we currently live in a rental property, rented in my name only), he wants (detail removed by moderator) – all with my money because (a) he has not savings of his own and (b) I have only just discovered he has no pension provision for himself. He is (detail removed by moderator) and I am (detail removed by moderator).
Please – I need you wisdom here ……………….. I feel sick, my heart beats/pounds so hard in my chest ………..

[Rainydays]

I’m so sorry but the other thing is I have (detail removed by moderator) and he has decided he doesn’t want me to have it anymore (I’m past babies and the ability to have them etc), but he hounds me to go to the doctor to get it removed – surely its my body my decision – and on top of which, we’re not even married, feels like we just live in the same house. My previous posts have detail of his ‘expectations’ where intimacy is concerned, including his only being able to perform when he fantasizes about me with other men and because I won’t, intimacy has become zero.
Just typing this – I feel a complete failure – what an almighty mess – to just get in the car and drive and never come back and never be seen again – perhaps that is the answer ……………………

[KIP.]

You need a support network. Start with women’s aid. Thank your lucky stars you’re not married because he would be entitled to some of your pension and property. He doesn’t want intimacy so is using an excuse. Talk to your local women’s aid for support. He won’t give up till you cash in those pensions. It’s too much for him that you have financial independence.

[Rainydays]

KIP – do you think that’s it – he’s insecure because I can actually survive financially without him both now and when I do eventually decide to do something/cash in my pensions?

[Teaandcats]

I understand that after being together for such a long time, it might feel like a real kick-in-the-teeth that he won’t marry you, but like KIP said, it’s actually a good thing you’re not. He has no rights to your pension(s) because you’re not married – you are your own free person and have every right to keep it that way. And, really, does this person genuinely care enough about you for you to spend your life with him?

It doesn’t sound to me like he’s insecure about your financial independence, but looking for an easy ride. Why the heck would he work when you’ll keep him? Why should he have to save when you’ve done it for him? Why on earth should he need to do anything; when you’ll keep him, care for him, pay for him? Marriage automatically makes half for everything that’s yours, that you’ve worked for and saved for, half his.

My husband is/was the same. My earning potential is much higher than his – he wanted me to not work and be a housewife, or get a big-salary job so he could be a ‘kept man’. His preference was to be kept. And then for me to do everything else for him. No negotiation…

[Author]

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