Working out if it’should me or him or we’recommend just not right for each other

[Tankgirl]

Hi there,
I am trying to find a way to keep this brief.
I came across this site, browsing using an “incognito tab” on my tablet,very useful. I am strengthened by the fact that this is a place of safety,support and hope.
I have been married for nearly (detail removed by moderator), with my husband for about (detail removed by moderator)
I am now in my early (detail removed by moderator) and he is about 8 years older.No children…thankfully.
Our marriage has been sex less, almost the entire time.
He wasn’t comfortable with me initiating things, I would do the usual things to try and spice things up, and then the rejection just felt even more humiliating.
Eventually, my self esteem hit rock bottom. The way I dea,the with him was that I became snappy. He used this as the excuse, saying I did that with my ex (whom he knew)
My day to day thoughts about myself were so negative, it was driving me to insanity. I eventually decided to go to counselling.
A major part of the story that I left out was that during the early stages of our relationship, he started having anger management issues. All of his friends knew he was a bit of a hot head but it started being aimed at me,in such a way that whatever I said, I thought twice about it, the whole eggshells thing. A girlfriend of a couple we were on a weekend away with, once pulled him up about the way he spoke to me,even his brother has told me “you can’t stay with him.”
I caught him looking at porn one night, he used to work nightshirts, but when he didn’t, he would always try and pack me off to bed early. One night, I didn’t want to, and he went mental about it…
These seem like minor things, but when I tell you what it all accumulated to, they were red flags I should have noticed.
Anyway, one day, our house was raided by the police and there was a court case that hung over us for nearly 2 years, I told no one. The stress was immense.

Eventually I had to tell my work, I needed time off, people know people and news was going to get around, he got a few months and served a few weeks.
The police Liason told me he had been extremely unlucky,and there wasn’t anything to worry about but he needed help, he went to counselling (he told me that there had been a family member that had abused him as a child, and he thinks thats where this all stems from, also parents that separated during a formative period of his life) and I just near had a breakdown. I was left to deal with the house and the bills and couldn’t go back to my home for ages for fear of what, so called friends might do to my property.

I resented him. He never actually fully talked about it, fully explained or really said a proper sorry.

He went away. Life was grim. We weren’t sure if he would ever work again etc.

He managed to get a job abroad. So after a few months, he was away again.
Eventually, I grew to love the time to myself, I got annoyed when he was back.
Eventually he was back for good, got a job a few hundred miles away. It was a good progression. There had been many fall outs, I found he was using porn again, I said that if he didn’t go to counselling or do something positive that I would leave him. He went. Moaned about it.but he went…he doesn’t put into practice anything from that week long residential course.
All bills and housework duties are left to me, no matter how many times we have the team talk about doing stuff together.
….I know it doesn’t sound half as awful as some of the things some people have had to face, but it’s the day to day things that are dragging me down, make me think it will never work.
He sleeps in a separate room, his snoring is so bad and he does nothing to remedy it….again, he seems to think this falls to me.
My (detail removed by moderator) birthday became all about him, we went away (which I booked myself) and he did nothing but moan, the whole time, he ruined it….and no….I didn’t even get any on my birthday!
He blames me for everything. After counselling I have learned to leave the anger with him and “protect” myself. His negative attitude and anger is no good for an INFJ like me, I pick up on emotions like a sponge, and I know he isn’t healthy for me….I think the thing that stops me making the move is the honeymoon period we had, the hopes I had, we are quite similar, but perhaps we should accept that we are more like brother and sister?

I ended up having an affair earlier this year. It was a guy I kind of knew from years ago and figured that if I was going to “hook up” at least I knew him.
He made me feel amazing and it was the best “relations” I have ever had.
I am not silly enough to think that was going to go anywhere or solve anything, but it gave my ego a boost and it made me feel like me again!
I got found out.
I moved out.
Hubby threatened to kill himself several times…” what am I going to meet at my age….it’s alright for you…”???

We tried to make a go of it again, put it all behind us. I said that the reason I got to that point is that he doesn’t want to have relations with me. He called me an animal, made me feel disgusting…blamed it on his age, being overweight….the other guy was older than him!
All excuses…he sits on the computer every night, I can see what he is up to, but there is limited interaction.
I have had a bad back the last few weeks, he has done me one hot water bottle the whole time and still insisted on being “taxied” to and from the next village so he and a pal could have a drink…I was in agony, but it wasn’t worth the earache…

Anyway, I read about the index card thing, I better buy quite a few packs.
I think I am sad that I have to face the reality that it has failed, when I tried really hard to make it work…harder than he does. He acts like the child and I do this thing where I organise and take charge, so he dishes it out and I think I just have to realise that as long as I continue to accept it, he will keep acting like this with me. It might be better for the both of us to split. He checks my phone and I have had to come off Facebook and I always worry about getting visitors because he makes a meal about it and it makes me feel bad.
Long and short of it….mostly long! Sorry! Just glad I found this place. He is going to counselling at the moment, but due to a motorbike accident he was in…he hates going, instead of using it as an opportunity to learn and grow.

So similar but so different at the same time. I am not afraid to be on my own, I have a good job and some savings, so I know I am luckier than some, it’s just that he is dragging me down. I know I have to accept he is no good for me.
Why do we do this to ourselves?!
Thanks for reading…..if you’re still awake at this point! Xx

[Tankgirl]

*nightshifts…sorry for any other typos!
Point was, he packed me off to bed so he could go on the computer for porn every night, yet he wouldn’t come near me, I was in my late (detail removed by moderator) at the time, a size 10 and when I think back, we only really had sex regularly for the first year….that should have been the biggest red flag. We had wanted to get together for years, but I was with someone, and he had a reputation as a ladies man, which he said was nonsense, but he didn’t correct anyone. I don’t know why I hold onto this, when it is obvious that things have moved on.
I am dreading Xmas and new year this year, as he lost both parents this year, and that was about the time that I wasn’t faithful. I feel that I might see how that period goes, see if I am proved right and take it from there…is that sad?! Xx

Xx

[KIP.]

Hey there. The FOG of abuse makes us stay. Fear, Obligation, and Guilt. Read back your own post. Would you really stay with this person if it wasn’t for his obvious manipulation. You’ve given him chance after chance. Things will never change. You’re already dreading what should be a wonderful happy time of year. Abusers are great at dumping all the blame and guilt on us so that they don’t have to carry it. It’s like it’s easier to stay than leave and deal with the fall out. I waited years for my ‘get out of jail free card’. When I didn’t realise I had every right to walk away from the relationship simply because I wasn’t happy. I’d ended relationships before and we both just moved on. This doesn’t happen with an abuser. They suck the very life and soul from us. He is not your responsibility. His happiness is not your responsibility x save yourself.

[Tankgirl]

Thank you so much for replying.
You are spot on. I like that terminology as well.
You’re right, if I had a friend that told me that story, I would be a friend to them and tell them my honest opinion, and it would be that life is too short, be you.

He makes me feel that I am the one causing the issues.

Not long after I posted, I had missed a call from him and he is on a train calling, using profanities and going on about how he had tried to order a cooker (for our flat that we are selling)…what a nightmare it had been and generally winding himself up, I just said, that maybe just leave it for now, there’s no rush, we can look at it tomorrow (thinking I was helping to calm things down, telling him not to worry) he took it totally the wrong way and started being a complete d**k about it, I then did the cardinal sin of trying to explain myself…I
It’s like he thinks he can use me as a sounding board for ALL of his anger, and as a past friend said to me, “he is an angry,sad man and he isn’t going to change.” She was so right.
After my counselling, it made me realise, I am who I am, i’m not perfect, but I don’t go out to hurt people. Nearly everything about him is negative. He busys himself with innane rubbish to detract from dealing with his issues. He is obsessed with the fact that he says I don’t respect him and treat him like an idiot (I am being polite with my wording here)
My personality type is drawn to broken things, he admitted to me that I can’t help him. I have to get over the fact that, because he can’t/won’t make the changes needed to grow in our relationship, I cannot put my life on hold waiting for it to happen.
And you are so right, I feel obligated now as well. With his mom and dad both dying within 2 weeks of each other (they had been split up for over (detail removed by moderator) he was very close to them both, now he says he is totally alone, but he still hasn’t made any changes.
Some of the anger outbursts are reflected in his driving, which has terrified me, especially when I am still suffering from PTSD from a motorcycle accident last year. He also does the whole slamming doors, muttering and swearing under his breath, throwing things around d, not to mention the way he conducts himself in public, being overly loud and swearing.
I asked him one time, would you say/do this in front of your work colleagues or a friend? He just looked at me.
He hated me going g to a counsellor. She gave me strength and I could see that he didn’t like that.
I spoke to a friend today, she advised I write it in a letter if I feel I cannot talk to him. I tried to break up with him before last Christmas, I brought up the issue of our lack of relations. He took no notice, which is why I did what I did…he still blames me for it, 100%, like he has had no input in me getting to that point.
I have started to look at places I can afford to rent and the practical things. Our flat is getting sold, so the money could be easily split, and I cannot be bothered arguing about getting a car….last time I left he ran in front of the car to stop me leaving and told me to get my parents to collect me because I wasn’t having a motor. I am willing for all the details to get sorted afterwards, but I don’t feel that I can start the conversation with him without him going into the usual speil.
He agreed when we got back together, to see how it goes for a while, and if we don’t get on, we just need to call it a day. Whether he does that..,
I mean what hope have I got when even his mother used to say, “I don’t know own how you cope, he’s hard work.”
He was very good to his parents and is a great friend to people, I just don’t know why he seems u able to stop being a d**k around me….then I realise, it’s because I let him. I feel really pathetic. I know it can’t go on.
Thanks for your reply, it means a lot. Xx

[Tankgirl]

Those words of yours are going to stick with me….
“They suck the very life and soul from us. He is not your responsibility. His happiness is not your responsibility x save yourself.”

I cannot thank you enough, I am going to use this as my mantra. Xx

[KIP.]

Hang in there. You will get there in the end. I tried many times to end my relationship and it was useless trying to discuss things with him. He would twist everything and leave me feeling drained and confused. The last time it was during his mums illness. She was ill for about two year before she died so when I suggested we separate he turned it all round and called me a selfish b…. that his mum was dying and how could I bring this up now! There never was a right time. I was desperately unhappy, depressed, anxious and traumatised for years and my ex used to drive fast with our baby in the car till I was almost hysterical. Total losers. Please remember that these men can become very dangerous when they feel they are losing control and that we are trying to end a relationship so be very careful. Talk to women’s aid x

[Tankgirl]

Thanks for those words.
When I left for a few weeks after my indiscretion, the weight lifted from me.

Some words that he said that stayed with me, and he has used them before, are, “(detail removed by Moderator)”

I questioned him about it when I moved back in, he said it was just something he said, but he has said it before. Makes me think he is very capable of being more unstable.

He came back from counselling (detail removed by Moderator), I asked how it went…he later came out with, “(detail removed by Moderator)” I had to stop myself from bursting out and saying something! I made an excuse to get a drink from the kitchen.

As I am off work (detail removed by Moderator), I will call a solicitor. We do own a house together, it will be on the market soon, the only other assets are the cars…but I don’t care about that at this point.

I appreciate that I am in a much better position than most, but your looking at it with fresh eyes makes me realise that I make excuses for him and I am actually allowed to be happy. I had a taste of it, and it’s not too much to ask for. Like you said, he makes no effort, what was he expecting. I stuck by him through it all, I am just getting to the point where the resentment doesn’t eat me up every day, but now I feel that he totally takes me for granted and makes me out to be the cause of his issues.

I was on the verge of contacting his counsellor to say, well, to say can you ask about the anger, the porn addiction, the low self esteem, the depression….but look at me….trying to sort it out…you’re right, he is not my responsibility…..that’s where I have to look at my own personality traits and realise some of them are doing me no favors.

I can’t thank you enough for taking the time to reply.

I will contact women’s aid as well.
Tonight I started organising paperwork, it makes me feel like I am a step closer to sorting out the practical stuff.

Thanks again- you give me strength. Xx

[Confused123]

Hi Hun

These men are just drain suckers, blood suckers whatever u want to call them , they have to live their life happily but are happy making ours a misery and make us feel uncomfrotable for wanting to have our own friends and family around. Sorry to sound harsh, but who cares if his passed the age of pulling someone, he pulled u and couldnt even make effort to hold on to u, thee men just see us as slaves and trophy awards to do their jobs. From reading your post it does sound like your marriage is over and you just staying for the sake of it, dont take his guilt on , A lot of us felt responsible for our ex, you seem to be in a good situation where u have money and job behind u, i would personally recommend u to leave him but it has to be your choice. Its worth calling womens of rights and see what your rights are if u r married or own a house jointly , if u don’t own house together, run girl , they will make a million excuses about why we shouldn’t leave and make us feel bad, i tell u , u can breathe again once u leave them

[Janedoeissad]

Tankgirl, your relationship sounds like mine.

I’ve never told my partner how miserable he makes me. I’ve tried talking about other little things which get to me but half the time I get told he can behave however he likes, the rest of the time his immediate reaction is to tell me to get lost (but not as polite as that!).

I have to talk through his problems with him but I get told my suggestions are rubbbish but also get shouted at if I say nothing.

He also has an issue with his age and says he’s too old to start again. A large part of my guilt is around making him start again. He’s really hammered home that point.

I drive everywhere as over time I’ve learnt it’s easier. He’s not particularly aggressive when he’s driving but he’s been so wound up after driving previously that the day out was a nightmare. I would love him to drive sometimes but it’s just not worth it.

I’ve started to realise that things are only remotely OK if he’s getting his way. Clearly no one has ever said no to him and I would be afraid to be the first.

I wish I had the courage to at least say how I really feel (fed up, lonely, unloved and missing my old life) but I fear that would cause so much grief that it’s just not worth it. I feel like I might have to just turn around sometime soon and say “enough is enough” and then leave.

Big hugs to you, I hope you get out soon and can start living again.

[Tankgirl]

Hi there janedoeissad,

It makes me feel sad that you are so unhappy.

I feel that sadness myself and then get angry at myself for not leaving or taking action.

I think my problem is that i long for the brief periods where everything is ok…they are few and far between now.

For example, i have been off work for (detail removed by Moderator) weeks when i did my back in. Its still uncomfortable but is getting better. I arranged to go and see my nephew, he is less than (detail removed by Moderator) miles away. I arranged this (detail removed by Moderator)2 days ago and mentioned it to my husband.

(detail removed by Moderator) i picked hubby up from the train station which is less than a (detail removed by Moderator) drive from our house…he hadn’t even been in the door 5 minutes and i have managed to p**s him off.

I have been asked, “(detail removed by Moderator)“…with the added line of, “(detail removed by Moderator)” …so i challenged this. He wasnt happy about that.

Apparently, he knows i have not been well (1st week, fair enough…those were his words) but then carried on to say…”(detail removed by Moderator) (he has done the same as usual, and i have actually done the dinner for him coming in, every night, something he NEVER does for me)…he continued to basically say that he was trying to order (detail removed by Moderator) that we are selling, which is many miles from where we stay, going on about how selfish i am, how i can always seem to do stuff with family and not with him…it was my suggestion (detail removed by Moderator) to go to the pictures, he has suggested no activities and actually said, he couldn’t because i am not well….then he basically said that i am putting them infront of the stuff we have to get done, when am i supposed to spend time with him (this was when i suggested that i cancel lunch (detail removed by Moderator) and go see my nephew on (detail removed by Moderator))…and then went on to say, sunday is ruined because you have booked (detail removed by Moderator)lesson….it doesnt matter what i do….its wrong, and he makes me feel awful…i stood there, getting berated, he gets more and more annoyed, like you say, you say something its wrong, you say nothing…i said that if he had left me details, i could have organised things…apparently i shouldnt have to ask…

So, i congratulated him on the amount of time it took us to get to an argumrnt tonight, i went to my bedroom, he stayed in the living room….half an hour later, he comes in and states that he has sorted the (detail removed by Moderator)…..he isnt short of money…in fact he is very comfortable at the moment….so, what we have is a man that has decided to emotionally abuse me and make me very sad, make me feel bad about my family and question why the hell i am with him…for the princely sum of (detail removed by Moderator)!!

I know later there will be an apology….after he has made a statement justifying/saying exactly why he did what he did…so an empty gesture…

So, i have had a talk with myself…what is stopping me from leaving….

When he goes to sleep tonight, i am going to post it here and i think this has been the straw that broke the camels back…

I have to see the stark reality…he is not going to change, i have to accept that and shut up or accept that and choose happiness and freedom.

Please feel free yo private message me or contact me…i would like to help, by listening and supporting.

Thanks for your reply xx

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