World Cup triggers

[Notjustme]

Hello,
So, I have PTSD (officially unconfirmed but I know it’s there) because of abuse. I have certain triggers that send me into different levels of spin. It turns out that a major trigger seems to be the football world cup. Any football tournament would put the thing that I lived with on a massive drinking bender and with that came the inevitable aggression and bad temper. My home became a dangerous and hostile place for me and I would like to thank Women’s Aid for raising awareness of this awful issue.

Anyway, these last few weeks I have found myself getting angry and confrontational (not me at all). Does anyone recognise these symptoms of PTSD? Yesterday I had a major meltdown at work, I yelled and swore at a colleague over something trivial and cried for about 3 hours uncontrollably. I keep having thoughts about just ending it all just to make it all stop. I can’t live with my triggers any more; every time I see a car the same make as his or anyone who looks or acts vaguely similar I feel the bubbles start to rise. I’m so isolated as I’ve completely lost trust in people since the man who promised to love me and protect me forever did the absolute opposite. I’ve spoken to a doctor, who has just changed my antidepressants. I am still waiting for counselling.

I feel like this is never going to end. Is this my life now, just waiting for the next trigger to pounce on me when I least expect it. I’m dealing with a number of issues at the moment including grief and I’m just so scared that it’s all going to get too much. The doctor wanted to sign me off work for a few weeks and God knows I need it but my place doesn’t pay sick pay and im not sure i could survive on stattutory sick pay with my bills. Anyway, I don’t trust myself in spending that much time alone just stewing, at least at work I am surrounded by people. Saying that though, people make me cross because they haven’t got a clue what I’m going through. That sounds really selfish because I wouldn’t wish this pain on anýone. I have no choice but to continue to work until I break.

I’m so cross that I have to just get on with it. I’m certain that the thing I lived with doesn’t experience any of this. I need to run away and start again but I’m trapped for more than one reason. I need a friend but I haven’t got anyone in this world. I need to stop crying because my skin is sore and my eyes sting.

[freedomtochoose]

hello there,
I for one was really grateful that you posted this.
I need peace and quiet to be on balance as a person and with my ptsd.
I had to go to a meeting today and had to get out of town pretty quick due to knowing the world cup would spark off a rage of drinking appalling (mostly male) behaviour…
I think it is understandable.
well done for posting this
x

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi Notjustme,

It makes total sense you’d be triggered by the football as that was when things escalated for you. I had the same car trigger for ages but a year on it’s a lot less just to reassure you it gets better. I still have ptsd though – we need treatment for that. There’s lots you can do while yoy wait like self care, reading books on the subject to understand and grow from it, doing things you couldn’t do before to remind yourself each day you’re free, journaling, art therapy, horticultural therapy, yoga, meditation, healthy eating etc.

I have often felt stressed by big sporting events regardless of my ex because I hate crowds and noise and packed transport and traffic *shudder* so I’ve just stayed at home today to avoid it all. My house is too hot and I also feel lonely so am kind of miserable but when it cools down I’m planning some nice trips to the park etc. Only a few more matches and the football is over so knowing that might help and just plan nice solo time during them.

There’s some really good youtubers who talk about abuse survival who I have listened to lots this past year to get me through the dark times and feel understood so have a look on there and see if anyone resonates.

[Author]

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