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Since he left (I know I can’t be specific on time but it was a while) the contact arrangements in regards to the children has always gone through my parents. He discarded me in the end and even though he’d left me many times before- I knew he’d fully left then. For my own sanity I couldn’t have direct contact with him.. he met someone els (probably met her before he left me) a matter of days afterwards and after everything he’d done to me, I believed (and still do on occasion) that I deserved it. I had to give myself time to heal away from him. Which I did. His contact with the children was sporadic and rare… I’d pass messages through my parents but he always thought he new best.. this year he stopped seeing them for a while because he couldn’t handle the youngest getting upset.. on a number of occasions he just abandoned her back with my parents saying he couldn’t deal with her- so she was left feeling abandoned. I tried to explain all this but all of his messages some how ended up being him telling me that I hadn’t moved on and needed to get over the past… I’d always reply by saying I wasn’t interested in anything in regards to him- only the children. Eventually he managed to convince me to communicate directly with him so I set up a separate email account to do so. Now all of a sudden he sends emojis and says ‘lol’ and calls me dear… it creeps me out. He came up as a suggested friend on social media the other day but we have no mutual friends and our contacts aren’t linked.. plus he had blocked me so he’s clearly unblocked. (detail removed by moderator) he sent an email which I know my friends would say was lovely but I found it condescending.. he said I’ve done an amazing job bringing up the children and that one thing he can give me.. a few (detail removed by moderator) ago he was telling me the children only see him as a wallet and I’m a bad mum for asking my parents to do the hand over and look after them whilst I work. It was always the same with him… one extreme to the other. His nicey nicey messages make my skin crawl.
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Worming his way back in to further abuse you xx I felt he got even worse after we split xx go back to third party communicating it’s the best way. Save yourself the grief/ your not the bad parent here. Your doing the best you can given the horrendous circumstances theses men put us in xx he’s projecting the on to u he’s the one who can’t cope with your child xx make sure you reiterate to your little one this is because he can’t have loving feelings xx kids internalise like us and think it’s there fault xx
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Starmoon, can I say I think you’re doing fantastic to have got this far despite having gone what you went through with him and then cope with the discard and all the ‘push/pull’ before that. I remember your posts so well. He is (like my abuser) a real head wreck. He’s wrecking your head again with these comments. He wants to prey on your emotions again. I know this is a pain to do and extra effort but could you get a third party to read his emails and relay only the becesssary arrangements to you and none of the flowery stuff designed to confuse you and keep you off kilter and designed to hijak your mind and emotions again. Take back control and don’t read what comes out of his mouth, let his words be in the third party’s head and you just ‘take what you like (from his emails) and leave the rest.’
You sound so calm and grounded and don’t let him take that away. I remember your previous posts, your mind and emotions were in a mess due to him (as mine were when I was dealing with my abuser).
Well done again to you!
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Think back to why you refused contact. For you mental health. That hasn’t changed and you will always be vulnerable to him. Go back to third party contact. He sounds like a terrible father. Your children need stability. Don’t allow him to damage you all further. I’d set up a contact order so that he knows when he has the kids and they know it too. Then if he lets them down, which he will, they will realise that it’s his behaviour, not theirs. I can’t imagine what it does to a child’s confidence when their dad brings them back early like that. Are they receiving counselling? Cut him right out your life. Block him on all social media and email and phone. He’s a liar. He is the reason you can’t have direct contact x
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Thank you both! Lover of no contact it’s nice to read that you remember me and my posts- it really means a lot.
My youngest was left really unsettled by him doing what he did, she clung on to me and ended up regressing and not wanting me out of her sight all the time. It’s taken me moths of reassuring her to get her back on track. When I tried to explain to him what he’d done to her he just accused me of not being over him… baffling as I have never ever once mentioned anything remotely to do with the relationship we have. I have always kept any contact purely about the children.. even in the very start when I was utterly broken I didn’t go to him about it. -
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As the other lovely ladies have said go back 3rd party contact. Your children deserve a happy mummy and his mental manipulation doesn’t help this.
My ex does it too.. flits between messaging saying what a wonderful job I’m doing with our daughter then days/ weeks later I’m nasty and horrible . It’s mental abuse. Sadly I’ve become accustomed to how he is .
The “nice” messages are purely to try and gain your vunrabilty. Keep strong and remember you don’t need his validation on what an amazing mum you are x
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