Worried

[Pinkvelvet]

Hi all, hope you’re all doing okay or as best as you can be.

This is going to be tricky for me to explain due to not being able to disclose details but basically, my ex and I unfortunately have to have contact sometimes – not because of children or relationship things but because of general life circumstances.

Anyway we’re due to be seeing each other soon because of this, and he’s messaged me saying he’s feeling anxious about seeing me, wishes he didn’t have to etc but then turns it around saying I make him feel uncomfortable and he just wants to be friends… yet the last time I tried to be friends/friendly with him, he said he couldn’t be friends because he still loves me and wanted to know if any of me still feels the same then we should meet. I told him no I couldn’t and he went off on one saying some truly awful things. The whole conversation was utterly confusing and upside down, very erratic behaviour.

He says he doesn’t understand why I broke up with him and he spends his time completely confused as to why we broke up, yet apologises to me and is ‘truly sorry’ for ‘whatever he’s done’. His behaviour in our relationship was really unacceptable, and I noticed it happening in cycles and that’s when I realised it was abusive. He would threaten suicide and tell me it’d be my fault if he hurt himself, blame me for how he was feeling, get annoyed at me over everything and even nothing to the point where I’d no idea what I’d done, give me the silent treatment, tell me he didn’t like his life with me and wish he’d never met me, put the fear of god in me and I’d feel I was walking on eggshells all the time. When we broke up he threw something on the floor and it smashed.

He was dealing with mental health problems during our relationship and he was abused in his previous relationship, though it’s unclear whether he was also abusive towards his ex. Obviously, he’d never tell me that.

I feel very guilty as he says he needs my help and support, so ignoring him is painful. He says I just left and didn’t explain. But during our relationship I tried to explain how he was speaking to me wasn’t okay and the abuse escalated, so im too afraid to stand up for myself.

I don’t know what to do and how to manage this situation. Any advice, and am I doing the right thing by trying to be calm with how I choose to respond but also not take him on fully? Thanks all.

[Twisted Sister]

Hi PinkVelvet

I am sorry you stil have to see him and can’t get away from his abuses. For continuing abuse is what this is.

If he’s been abusive to you, you can be sure he was abusive to his ex, and he’s also blaming her in the way he doesn’t take responsibility for his action in your relationship.

Mentally ill or not, he’s abusive. His mental illness is his responsibility to get help with, and its abslutely fine to say you don’t want any further contact from him, and if he containues you will report him for harrassment.

warmest wishes

ts

[Pinkvelvet]

Thank you Twisted Sister for your help. He messaged me this evening and the first thing I did was come here to post, it really shakes me up every time I see his name pop up. Wish I could shake that feeling of dread and fear, just feels like a total auto reaction now. Really just want to be able to stand up to him and say how I feel and to leave me be, but the worry of him doing something to hurt himself stops me… guess that’s the suicide threats in the back of my mind talking. I pray this will eventually end and he’ll get help and we can both live happy, pain free lives – away from each other.

[Twisted Sister]

Hi

Please don’t take on responsibility for another adult. He is responsible for getting help for himself, if he chooses not to you can’t control that, the same way as you can’t be blamed if he takes his life. You most definitely will not be responsible for that!

I had to get a (detail removed by moderator) I mean, can you imagine bullying someone to this degree that they are scared of saying the wrong thing for fear they will kill themselves. The ultimate in blackmail, emotional blackmail. Don’t let yourself be drawn into something that is none of your affair. His life, his responsibility. You don’t have to explain anything to him. You cannot keep prioritising his life over your own, as you are in such pain. Warn police if you need to, as then it will be their responsibility to try to safeguard him, you can’t do this, they will need to. Warn then that you are scared he meight do something stupid, but then he might not!

Its horrible getting caught up in that awful cycle, and he knows it works and it keeps you scared enough to keep engaging with him.

warmest wishes

ts

[Anonymous]

He knows it’s over , but his using guilt to draw himself back into your life . If he is suffering from any mental illness that is not your fault or concern , he needs to seek help and stop blaming others for his behaviour , take responsibility. His trying in my mind to get attention and sympathy from you , use you as an emotional crutch which will be very draining on you . Advise him to seek help and cut contact concerning his feelings etc , try to keep it on a professional level if you have work & business commitments together. You must start thinking of yourself, otherwise you will be constantly worrying what he is thinking & feeling or doing , this is what he wants .

[Pinkvelvet]

Good morning, thank you beachhut, that’s exactly what I’ve done. Said I didn’t think it was appropriate to be sending messages via a professional platform and basically left it as that. It’s fine once we’re in the environment around other people, but the situation is just really tricky to manage and fills me with panic waiting for him to communicate again. I think he’s just still reeling from the breakup and going through the motions, but then turns abusive when he realises I won’t cave and give him another chance and his anxiety sets in. He says he’s scared of me and that I’m standoffish, something that baffles me when I think of how kind I’ve been and the response I’ve received in return. It’s heartbreaking but I can’t cope being in a relationship with someone who puts me through emotional turmoil. Can’t quite believe he doesn’t comprehend or see that himself.

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