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I probably sound like an aweful parent by being unsure about this… I felt glad when she started crying to the school, saying she doesnt want to see my ex. It was a milestone, she was speaking out to others. Now the school says they are setting up emotional support, and I am worried it will just make her “accept the situation” and not speak out anymore.
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Ask the school what this emotional support is. Is it from a professional. What are their qualifications and background. Emotional support can mean many things but I’d like to think it will support her in her decisions. Rather than try to change her mind x don’t be frightened to ask. It’s your child and you’re entitled to know all about who is interacting with them x
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maybe she could get her feelings out to you too. that way you and the school and the counsellor can work together. as kip says as long as theyre all on the same page as you and your child. she needs to learn(which is hard i know) that its ok not to accept someones behaviour if it making her feel sad or angry or confused. her feelings are normal this isnt her fault and that you have felt exactly the same at times. be her rock. i had to sit my daughter down she was only (detail removed by moderator) at the time. i didnt tell her everything but i told her the truth about the situation. i bought her a book called the warrior its about the physical signs we feel when were anxious and it explains that its all natural feelings and more importantly its not her fault because kids internalise and blame themselves xxxx teach her too she has rights womens aid went over this with my daughter/they taught her about staying safe too with out frightening her xxxx
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It’s highly likely this person will be working in a way that helps her to feel better about her situation whatever that is – because that is what emotional support is – help to overcome the difficulty – feel ok again.
It’s quite limited really what can actually be achieved as they can only work in the here and now with the child, they know next to nothing about her family set up and the dynamics, some dont consider this at all, and they can only work with what the child brings to the session – they are not supposed to ever put words in her mouth and work in a non directive way; it’s support only really and a boost to self esteem which is often needed, it’s a positive experience of feeling supported to get to a place where the child feels ok.
Most agencies, school, profs view it as the goal here is for her to feel ok about seeing dad unless there are serious safeguarding issues of course; any good professional will be alert and act on anything said that leaves him/her feeling uncomfortable and record this in their notes.
So either way it should be fine, if she says something alarming this person will act, and if not then she should move into feeling better about things.
Sadly, what I have learnt is that what I see as unacceptable parenting from him is very different to the professional opinion.
The value in this though to your child is that she is free to talk (or play – young children work through their difficulties in play), as she doesnt need to worry about mum or dad’s feelings, she is free to say what she thinks and feels which is very helpful to her.
It depends really, depends on whether the profs think she needs safeguarding and protecting from her father or if she needs support to manage the relationship. For me, it’s been about trying to support my child with the difficulties she expereinces with her father. If I had my way I’d remove her completely, as I can see (and expereince) how damaging this relationship is to her, but as he hasn’t done anything that warrants this in the eyes of the law, it means she has to deal with him x
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this all may go in your favour because your child could be referred to a psychologist and they can assertain what happens with her seeing her dad. they might stop the contact if its affecting her. in shall i say ‘better funded countries’ like the Netherlands and america they offer a psychologist for the child at the very beginning off this process to ascertain what the child ‘choice’ is and the buzz word at the moment is (and is asked off the mother) are you making/letting your child be ’emotionally available’to the father in other words are you alienating them or is the child truly scared xx
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Well. she is that, she cries at school and says she wants to come home. At the very least. I don’t honestly know if he has abused her physically but emotionally, def. Doesn’t help he isnt actually her father – he likes to say he is and push her to call him that. That’s the least head..messing part of it.
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I would be worried too based on the number of women who have been abused and seek therapeutic help from counsellors who invalidate their concerns and cause mental health problems by further gaslighting and denial of issues.
The more help you get of the right variety the more you can help them.
I would absolutely want to meet with anyone and assess their suitability for such close emotional interaction with any of my children.
They would need to know how to support a child that wants to see their father and why, realising this is very common despite it being very harmful, and the guilt laid upon abused children by their fathers.
These people are very fallible, just calling something therapy absolutely doesn’t mean it is at all.
I hope this all works out well for you both.
Warmest wishes
TS
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When my child had counselling I met with the counsellor and I have to say, she seemed to think it was about how she felt about the seperation which had happened 2 yrs previously, I felt I tried to give her a heads up re where she is now and the anger I am struggling to deal with, but I didnt feel heard at all.
My daughter only went to a few sessions then didnt want to go any more, I later learnt it was because the counsellor kept repeatedly asking her how do you feel, which annoyed her, and part of her difficulty was that she couldnt express any emotions she felt were uncomfortable; what was needed was some relationship building and trust to grow first, but she went straight in and asked her about how she felt about her situation and as she was struggling herself with this she just closed down – was a waste of time really, I felt the counsellor wasn’t on the planet. She said she would feed back to me, never did. I asked the school for her details, they never got back to me. I spoke to the head and she seemed to be of the opinion that it clearly wasnt needed. Sigh. I dont think it helped because they worked with a 6 session model, meaning 6 sessions only, so the counsellor maybe thought we dont have much time we need to make a start. Was very poor really.
This isn’t to say this will happen to your child, there are some really great child counsellors out there. If she has a positive experience you may find she is happy to talk all about what happened in the session too of course, particualrly if she starts to feel better.
It’s always better if a professional reports anything they see as being a safeguarding issue, so I’d be inclined to roll with it for now and see what happens but yes be mindful it may not help her and it may help her towards feeling better about visits with dad.
I decided to go privately in the end, didnt want to wait 18mths for CAMS and I wanted to meet with her counsellor, he involved me alot, we met regualr to discuss things, although again, I dont really think he got it, saw it as her parents ina dispute, the info he gathered was about her really, I troed to give him some back ground but I felt he never really listened – unless he asked the question.
It’s now transpired that if he were to write a report fOr us it would be difficulties with moving brought on my her mothers move that he’d write; when actually her difficulties with movibng were brought on by her father’s llack of support, negativity and constant questions – this is what made things difficult for her. Sigh. So that could be used against me now hey.
It’s not easy to navigate at all, you’ve just ot to dow hat you think is best for your child at the time I guess and try not to get too caught up in thinking ahead and planning for the what ifs. I dont regret getting her counselling, it did help her, even if it doesnt help me or her now x
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Ah yes, I knew about them in refuge, didn’t realise they did this too.
Also, asking children repeatedly how they are feeling is not good. There can be problems trying to probe children this way. Why are such people working with children !
Why are schools so hopeless at this. Some handle it very well, but there are so many that dont, still. It’s a huge concern.
This needs to be a subject talked about often in schools, respecting boundaries and telling people where yours are not being respected at home,or by a school for that matter.
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Education Mental Health Practitioner
its a bit like CAHMHS – but your child dosent have mental health problems – we might be jumping the gun here as they might refer your daughter to the right services. my gut feeling is this might be a stepping stone.
the have a customer care team it looks like its run by the nhs at least – they provide;
Provide information about NHS Services
Signpost to specialist services
Listen to concerns, comments, compliments and suggestions
Help solve problems that need quick resolution
Manage complaints made about the Trust(local email address removed by moderator).
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