Worried about family visiting

[Sad and alone]

I have a family member that’s meant to be coming to stay with me in a couple of weeks time but I am worried about how my husband is going to behave. Things have been especially awful between us over the past few months which has what has pushed me to come here and start thinking about getting out.

My husband is not nice about my family member but will “humour” them whilst they’re here. Which in itself makes me feel uncomfortable as I know what he really thinks of them. There have been a couple of times when they have been before where he has openly been what I think of as rude (usually silent treatment stuff or criticism) and I’ve felt embarrassed about the way he’s acted (God forbid I said that though as he’d fly off the handle). I don’t know whether the family member senses it or whether they try and ignore it for my sake. They’ve never asked me about our relationship and I have obviously never told them anything.

I just don’t know what to do. I live in a beautiful place and my family member really enjoys coming to stay but I feel everything is toxic and I don’t want to be humiliated or worse for him to kick off at them or me. But how can I say to them maybe best not to come without explaining why?

I feel like things are coming to a head very quickly and I haven’t got time to prepare for anything.

[Hereforhelp]

Hey sadandalone,

I think once you reach a point of seeing the abuse… you cannot unsee it, the realisation that you are thinking of leaving and all that entails can be hugely overwhelming (that’s how it was for me).

Because you have a nice home with nice things doesn’t mean that people expect your relationship to be great. I had nice things, my children and I are in the family home. Personally, once I started to let people in my life (close family and a couple of friends) know about a few things I felt uncomfortable about in my marriage… one close friend who I nervously told a few things about my husband’s behaviour, she then told me that she had sensed the tension the moment my husband was about! I had no idea that she had picked up.

What I am trying to say is speaking to close family/friends… for me… was helpful and validating.

Keep posting
HFH ❤️

[Sad and alone]

I think I’m going to have to suggest they don’t come and maybe say things aren’t good between us and see what they say. I think I always think if things got better then my family member wouldn’t like him. But I’m so tired of it all recently.

After things fell apart yesterday it was kind of silent. I asked him this morning if we were going to (detail removed by Moderator) and he just asked me the same thing back so I said well have a think and let me know. Nothing, so I went to (detail removed by Moderator) and told him I was going. Silence all day and I have been avoiding him as feel uncomfortable but then had to ask if he was going to help me tomorrow. Of course it kicked off and he said were we going to argue when we did it and I said I hadn’t said anything about arguing I was asking for his help. But it went off from there, saying I haven’t bothered trying to speak to him and shouting and I just sit there telling myself not to react when he tells me things like I better behave myself. He says I have to change and I’m making him ill. It’s a joke and I’m struggling to see a way out 🙁

[Sad and alone]

And now I’m bottling sending them a message!! Because I want to see them and straight away in my head I’m thinking things might get better. It is very strange actually being able to see what is truly happening now. When he was talking it’s all I held in my head, that it wasn’t right and he was being abusive. But it’s such a lot to take on…

[Bananaboat]

By not inviting the family member to stay your husband is succeeding in his plan to separate you. Mine did the same, would be negative and rude about my family & friends which made me stop inviting them either because he’d be rude while they were there and make things awkward, or because I’d hate him being fake nice infront of them then nasty after they’d left. In turn, this often makes your family and friends distance themselves from you as you don’t make plans or cancel last minute.

Him starting an argument when you had plans and asked for help is classic abusive behaviour, oh they love to be relied on and let us down, then twist it so it’s our fault they flaked.

Good luck with it all, it’s exhausting isn’t it, and I hope you get to enjoy some time with the family member xx

[Better-days]

I also can relate to this my partner always argues with me and is rude to me in front of my family. I’m so close to them they used to come to my house all the time now they never come as I make excuses it kills me. I’m trying so hard to get myself in a position to leave one day one foots out the door the next I can’t even see the door. One day at a time I guess I hope it works out for you x

[Happybelle]

This post really resonates. My family live some distance away and have always visited, staying with me and using it as a base to visit extended family and friends etc. Last time they stayed it was so awkward. My partner ignored them / avoided them. Slept in instead of making them breakfast etc. In fact, they did not see him at all for (detail removed by Moderator) days. It was so embarrassing.
Anyway, one of my parents was coming down to nearby to visit (detail removed by Moderator) and rather then the other coming too and staying with me, they have decided to go there alone and have invited me over there for lunch. This means no staying with me and also I dont get to see both of my parents at once. It is a major shot across the bow from them without them needing to raise the issue. I heartily salute them for it as its given me a massive wake up call. If they dont want to stay with me then it must be pretty bad. I dont want to fall out with them, Im just ashamed that they have seen through him from the start and I sung his praises which means they have been right all along. It is all so exhausting.

[Buildmeupbuttercup]

My ex would be really sulky and distant when my family were around. He’d also criticise me for talking to them to much in their own home and even suggested monitoring how much time I spent with them. The worst part though for me, is that he’d deny, twist, backtrack, and justify his actions. He’d say he loved me and I drove him to behave in such a way. I felt crazy

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