Worried about PTSD and triggers, he's on my mind all the time again

[SunshineRainflower]

I started my house move recently and found it very emotional and a bit worrying/upsetting. Because my ex lived in a similar sort of house, I had a really bad trigger reaction when I went up the stairs. I suddenly had all these memories of visiting his house for the first time and him showing me around. He was so smart, polite, lovely, gentlemanly and his house was lovely and spacious and nicely maintained and I felt so happy to have met this ‘catch’ of a man (gentlemantly, domesticated with his life together I thought) and excited about our future together as a couple. I remember thinking that all the other ladies on the dating site would be so envious of me being with such a great man when the other men on there were all so awful, I felt so lucky and like I’d be a fool to let him go which was one of the reasons I kept seeing him despite my gut telling me it was suspicious of him.

I sat at the bottom of the stairs today crying as I just couldn’t get these ‘happy’ memories out of my head. It felt so confusing and traumatic to be reminded so clearly of those ‘happy’ and hopeful times.

It doesn’t help that the house I’m moving to is not as nice or as big as his and not in great condition, almost like it enforces that he is better and more successful than me, like his is winning and making me feel down on myself. It felt a bit depressing today seeing all the repairs that need doing that the agency may or may not do. Lightbulbs not working, light fixtures not working, curtain rails hanging off the wall, windows that won’t open, some broken window seals on double glazing, cat poo in the yard, loose toilet seat and toilet handle, damp shelf under the sink, kitchen door veneer actually cellotaped on! Rust at the top and bottom of the freezer and cupboards full of nails and dust and random pieces of wood, c****y 1980’s old fitted wardrobes that I would 100% rip out if it were my house, no curtains or blinds on any of the windows.

I didn’t notice all of these repairs when I looked round. To be honest I still like the place, it has character and is in a great location with an incredible view of the city, has an outdoor space, is spacious enough for me to have room to work from home, is in budget, allows me to have a cat and also to apply for housing benefit. All the rest were in dodgy places or had damp or wouldn’t let me have a cat or receive any benefits, so it was the best option. It think it will feel better once I’ve cleaned it thoroughly and put up blinds etc and got the handyman to fix the repairs but it feels tough as I’ve been living with my parents who have always kept their house in very good condition and always stay on top of repairs etc whereas this place looks like it has been cobbled together a bit and hasn’t had the money spent on it that someone would normally spend if it wasn’t a rental. I have definitely noticed that rental standards are very low these days while rents are high – landlords and agents seem to do the bare minimum because they know they’ll get a tenant anyway. Not cool.

Anyway I just needed to get this off my chest. I think I might have PTSD because today with those memories I went back to that state of confusion wondering why I’d left my ex, like I couldn’t remember the abuse which was scary. I think my brain wanted to block out the abuse to bask in the ‘happy’ early memories, sort of like it reverted to a state of denial. I had to look at a horrible photo of him looking at me with contempt and disgust to get my brain to remember, it was exhausting.

[Borntobefree]

Hi sunshinerainflower
Don’t be too hard on yourself hun
You are free from abuse I know how difficult it is to start at the very beginning…just remember this home is yours and you will make it your own little paradise soon enough
I had nothing hun .. I just picked second hand items up and also help from family and it’s all mine … I have ptsd I would not wish it on anyone ..hope you feel better soon X

[Tiffany]

I think things will be much better once you have made the place your own. There are all sorts of things that you can do to a slightly run down flat to make it seem cheerier. You can even get removable sticky backed wipeable paper which you can cover your fridge/wardrobe doors etc in (never tried this one myself so not sure how expensive it is though. Washi tape is a great cheap way to add a touch of personalisation. I had some with gold stripes which I ran along the edges of plain badly painted white shelves to cheer them up again. Think about ways to reclaim the stairs too. If they are uncarpeted you could decorate the steps themselves with stickers/washi tape etc. If they are not then rugs top and bottom or bunting in the stairwell or. Whatever might ground you and remind you that it is your space. Also, if you have a shower with a shower curtain I would highly recommend that you take down the cheap c****y one they provide you with and buy one which makes you happy – be that a New York skyline or whimsical ducks or a bright fushia pink. If left the one they provide will go mouldy and you will have to buy a replacement when you leave to avoid getting charged for a new one and a rediculous fitting fee (usually about £20 an hour with a minimum of an hour allocated for the job) so you might as well just start out with a new one that cheers you up. Also remember that it is all going to seem better when it is clean and has all your new furniture in it. Moving house is hugely stressful and the stress in itself is bound to feel triggering. Just take things at your own pace and allow it to be difficult if that makes sense. Good luck. I think that it will be gorgeous when you are done.

[Borntobefree]

Best thing I done for cheapness was buy lining paper from the pound shop..painted it ..then bought wall art stickers..😁

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi everyone,

Thanks for your replies. I went up again today and felt more positive about it. The agency arranged for a handyman to fix a few things so I chatted to him and made him some tea and he agreed to sort out several more things which he did and it is feeling a bit better in there now. He has fitted a new toilet seat and fixed the curtain rails, showed me the meters, fixed some panelling and a door, checked a light fitting, opened up a window that had jammed etc. All small things that were getting me down. While he was working I filled a bowl of warm water and cleaned the lounge, washed all the walls and skirting boards and windows etc. I even cleaned the outside window but I think I’ll see if a local window cleaner can finish it as I don’t want to fall off any ladders. I did the same in the bedroom, cleaned all the walls and wardrobes etc. I took out a depressing old shelf from under the sink that was all damp and the handyman agreed it should be thrown out and he would tell the agents in case they asked so that felt better too. I found it quite satisfying and started to feel more excited about this new chapter. Every time I get stressed I can go outside and look at the spectacular view. It is at the top of a hill and the view is just wonderful so that really helps and revives my spirit. 🙂

I didn’t feel as triggered there today. He’s still in my thoughts a lot, the main trauma for me seems to be the deceit. What upsets me most about him is that he seemed to put on this incredibly convincing act to convince me that he was this great guy so that I’d date him. I reluctantly agreed thinking he was ‘sweet’ and that I should ‘give him a chance’ (ugh, when are men ever told to give a woman a chance) and then gradually started to abuse me in a covert way once I had developed feelings for him. It is the combination of him pursuing me and pretending to be super keen, then as soon as I started to like him he started his cruel, calculated games (including cheating!) which seemed designed to inflict as much pain and self doubt on me as possible whilst stopping me from realising what was happening. It’s the audacity of it all. The way it was so deliberate, calculated and deceitful seems to be where my pain lies. And part of me unfortunately still misses the mask because the mask had a lot of traits I really liked even though I know it was all fake.

Anyway, today I have been getting excited about choosing a mop hahahaha. Tiffany and Borntobefree I agree it will feel much better once it’s cleaned and I’ve put my stamp on it. Hopefully each little task will get it closer to feeling like home. 🙂

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