Worried about the kids

[Purplecupcake]

I am planing to leave my emotionally, financially and sexually abusive partner. But I keep doubting myself and am not sure if I should leave him because I am scared for my children’s safety.

My partner has a lot of n**********c tendencies and now my children are victims of the psychological abuse as well. When my partner doesn’t get his way he often takes it out on our 3yo by pulling and squeezing his ears, he claims it doesn’t hurt him although it makes him cry and he will literally tell me his ears hurt! Recently my partner got annoyed when our son had a tantrum and he picked him up off the floor by his ears and ripped the skin. I’ve also heard my partner threaten him when he gets angry he’ll say things like “I’ll hit you if you don’t stop it” “I’ll punch you in a minute”

Obviously in public he acts like the perfect father. I have no proof other than a couple of photos of the cut on my sons ear it’s more of a he said she said situation. But my son has started having behavioural problems I have no doubt it’s because of this abuse.

During these moment I always defend my son and do not hide my displeasure in my partners way of handling situations, I usually calm my son down and will get to the bottom of why he was misbehaving (if he even was) and find out what he wants and needs.

I am worried that if I leave and my partner gets joint custody my children will be subjected to this and maybe even worse abuse as I will not be around to defend them. I’ve been researching it and ear pulling is a common form of corporal punishment but doesn’t legally count as child abuse. In the past anytime I leave the kids with their dad he ignores them, he sits on his phone and barely even looks at them, I’ve come home to crying babies with full nappies and empty stomachs, he never fed them or changed them just waited till I got home to do it. He’s left them alone inside coffee shops so he can stand outside and have a cigarette. The only time I leave them with him now is if I have a doctors appointment. So If it’s not abuse it’s neglect.

So should I stay with my abuser? Wwud?

[Lisa]

Hi Purplecupcake,

Thank you for your post. I’m sorry to hear about your situation. The behaviour you have described is concerning and sounds like he is doing this to the point of really hurting your son. You also mentioned how he makes threats of violence towards him.

Even if your son is misbehaving that kind of physical force and threats is not acceptable and is abuse. Part of domestic abuse is making you doubt yourself and your own mind. He knows exactly what he is doing and is choosing to be abusive to you and your children. It sounds like you are always having to manage this, comfort your son and actually parent him in the right way. I can’t tell you what to do but I would encourage you to reach out for further support.

I would encourage you to contact the NSPCC helpline, which is staffed by trained professionals, who can provide confidential expert advice and support to those concerned about children, and parents looking for advice. They are contactable on 0808 800 500, help@nspcc.org.uk: https://www.nspcc.org.uk/

Take care and keep posting

Lisa

[Author]

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