Worst weekend…

[lilaclady]

So there I was dreading the weekend and I was right…. just awful. I am totally broken.

It would take me all day to write everything that happened but in short he was fairly nice all (removed by moderator) then we had to go out to (removed by moderator)  and as I was getting ready he completely freaked out. He was dressed way more casual than me, so I picked up on that and said I might just change as I was really dressy and off he went ranting and raving about me changing what I was wearing then a horrible drive to the (removed by moderator) . And then as soon as we get there nice as pie to me. I called him out for his behaviour and then the next day he was trying to me all lovey dovey and nice to me and I was fairly short with him, I just shut down really and could barely talk because yet again he had exploded. Then I was supposed to go to (removed by moderator)  and he got in a HUGE fit about it how awful I am I can’t even remember what he said but as I left he said to me “if I hang myself just know that you drove me to it”. I was in bits…

I returned after a big think and told him that later as we were due to go out later we were going to talk about out options and sort things but He just said nothing and went to bed…In short later we did talk it was a nightmare he turns everything back on me, I drive him to be like this, he is depressed, he never faces up to his anger, has not a clue how this makes me feel, being in this endless cycle of anger and then him being fine. He seems to think I am being over the top, he doesn’t get angry. He does of course he does or why would I feel like this!! Again he couldn’t deal with it. So then we talked about the options if we separate I was in bits at this stage crying my eyes out and that I would expect him to (removed by moderator)  and provide a home for me and my son (he earns A LOT of money, a lot WAY more than me I don’t have a chance in hell of buying a house here) and I just want a stable home for my son. The home that in a trust for him in his name doesn’t have to be mine but I get to live there forever and my son is set to inherit a HUGE amount in my husbands will so consider it early inheritance or an investment for him and a stable place for us to call home. I would hope to do that amicably that’s all I want a roof over our heads and some child support I wouldn’t be going for all his money and taking him to the cleaners. (Detail removed by moderator) . It was just awful I feel like I am staring down the barrel of him living it up in his mansion while I struggle to make ends meet. I work (removed by moderator)  and he said will maybe you need to get a new career that isn’t (removed by moderator) . SO I was just sitting there contemplating the end of my marriage all my hopes and dreams SHATTERED and a pretty bleak future. His view well you clearly want to leave me so you’d have your freedom then.

We then went to the (removed by moderator)  (I have no idea why) I was just a complete mess by this point couldn’t stop crying… (removed by moderator)  and he kept trying to hold my hand and be nice??? Just weird. (Removed by moderator)  still in a state and just cried and cried in the car and he said he didn’t want to separate it was me who wanted to. We can be together sort this out, we both need to be nicer to each other, he is pushing me away and I him. And he will not be angry again (I don’t believe this for a second) and will work on his “supposed” depression and anxiety. He said I put a lot of pressure on him and he is really stressed (no excuse).

I feel so utterly drained I don’t think I have ever cried so much I am totally exhausted.

I feel like this isn’t going to be fine and I still need to leave him. Still sticking to leaving after Christmas but I feel like I am going to have a massive fight on my hands for custody, somewhere to live etc.

Just totally broken today 🙁

[shine bright 2]

Hi lilacLady,
Yes, it is hard. Leaving is hard. You have to weigh up whats important. Personally, i was in a situation where i wud have left with just the clothes on our backs. In the end the policw removed him so i didnt have to. I guess you have to think whats important. Do you want ur children growing up seeing this anger or living in a calm peaceful atmosphere. Perhaps things can be worked out…i dont know u so i cant say, but if u truely want out u will be amazed at how strong u can be and how u can cope. My ex has paid a penny of maintainance and probably never will. I have four kids. They dont get huge birthday presents or trip to disneyland…in fact they dont get much. But they get to live in home where they are loved and have nothing to fear. I hope u can make the right decision…if u really want to leave u can. Take care.x

[KIP.]

Hi, have you actually spoken to a solicitor? My ex told me all sorts of lies. Turns out I’m entitled to a huge amount more. Speak to a solicitor first. Most give initial free advice. I once read that arguing with an abuser is like playing chess with a pidgeon. Even when he loses he will sh’t on the board, knock all the pieces over and strut about like he has won. There is no point in engaging with him. As you now know he will twist, bully, gaslight, lie, manipulate, sweet talk, promise the earth and if none of that works, become aggressive and violent. All in one conversation. Get good legal advice. That may make your mind up ❤️

[abcxyz]

I agree …first get legal advice. This makes you realise that you will be ok. You won’t be homeless.

There are so many parallels to my situation here. Write down every single incident and password protect it. This is ammunition and a great reminder of how you felt at the time.

I don’t regret leaving (tho early days). I feel sad at times and unsure but the children and I are at peace and we can do what we like with no fear of accusations and blame. The greatest thing is going to bed at night and there being no one who wants an argument when I’m at my lowest ebb.

You are being so strong and you can do this. I promise x*x

[lilaclady]

Thanks everybody… so abcxyz I have been writing down everything which helps so much as it gives me such a clear picture of what’s going on and why I can’t continue in this. But now stopping me from leaving is this fear that he won’t provide for us and how will I manage. I managed to sleep last night so am feeling much better this morning and clearer. I have been to a solicitor and I am entitled to half but the laws here mean our family home doesn’t come under that. So I know I will be in for a fight for him to provide us with a home. But my only trump card is he is incredibly proud and always worries what other people will think so I can only hope that his and my family knowing he isn’t doing that would make him as he would be so worried about what they think. And legally of course he is liable for child support.

I am trying to be really strong at the moment I am going to give it a go till christmas I am telling him this that he needs to work at this stop the anger etc (I am doubtful this will happen I am in now way thinking he can change) and if not we are separating. He is away next week so he needs to have a good hard think here. And then when i do go I will rent somewhere and just fight hard to get a house from him.

Just that though like you say abcxyz about going to bed and not waking up feeling sick, or worried or crying myself to sleep and also doing this for my child, I don’t want him living in this, makes me strong.

Chess with a pigeon KIP…sounds very familiar!!

I do want out and I do want us living in a calm peaceful environment. I almost am dreaming of that at the moment!

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