Worthlessness

[CelebrationsTubx]

I keep asking myself when did I become so scared of everything. I used to be fearless. Put myself out there for everyone to see, do anything. I didn’t see it at first. Little by little I started to shrink. I didn’t want people to see what was happening. It was embarrassing. Being violated time and time again.

I hate myself for it. For letting it get so bad. All the times I should have left. I know I was in denial. Telling myself I won’t let him get to me. I’m stronger then that. I would leave if he ever hit me. Then it became ‘wasn’t that bad, not like he broke an arm. Next time when it’s worse.’ It always got worse, whether it be physical or sexual. I never left.

I’ve got so much fear inside me. I’m terrified around people. F*****g terrified. I need it to stop.

Am I self pitying?

My body remembers. A week ago my shoulders tensed so badly it was like that for days. Felt like they were stuck. I was at the gym 2 days ago and this man walked behind me talking to his mate at the other end. He wasn’t even that close. I said to myself that I was OK that I knew he was behind me. He walked past and started talking. I shuddered so badly. In my head i thought he was gunna grab me. It’s stupid cus I knew he was behind me.

How do people recover. Its like the rational part of my brain has gone. I understand why cus i was walking on egg shells for so long. To recognise when there is actual danger or when something isn’t right. Instead of just being scared of everything ans everyone. It feels so pathetic.

Does anyone else feel like this?

[Lisa]

Welcome to the forum CelebrationTubx,

Thank you for sharing so openly with us. I can feel your frustration with yourself coming through your words.

Everything that you have described is absolutely normal for a survivor of domestic abuse.

It is incredibly hard to leave and there’s always that rationalisation and minimising of the abuse. So many women feel the shame and guilt of what’s been done to them and of staying. There are strong psychological aspects to abuse that prevent women leaving, these are part of the abuse and are not your fault.

You’ve experienced trauma over an extended period and it takes time to heal. The reactions that you’re having are your body and mind trying to keep you safe. Just like it was a process to get you to this point, it’s a process to unpick it. Support can be helpful with that.

You could reach out to your local domestic abuse service, some of them have specialist trauma-informed counselling or will know of what’s available locally. You could also speak to your GP about what you’re experiencing, it may be that a referral to a specialist service would be appropriate. You mentioned sexual abuse, you might want to contact Rape Crisis who support anyone who’s experienced any kind of sexual violence and can put you in touch with a local service, they have a free and confidential helpline and live chat (you can also search for services on their website). Bloom provide courses through their website which are written in partnership between survivors and mental health professionals. They are designed to support with recovery from trauma.

Please know that you’re not alone in what you’re feeling. I know that many of the other women on this forum have felt these things and I hope that sharing in experiences here helps you be kinder to yourself.

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa
(Forum Moderator)

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