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    • #14916
      Inneedofsomepeace
      Participant

      My ex aswell as being physically abusive was also sexually abusive. He has raped and is just a really horrible excuse of a man. What I don’t understand is sometimes if he was starting to get nasty and drop hints about the fact we hadn’t had sex for a few days, occasionally I would try and initiate it not because I wanted sex but just to get it out the way. But I was never able to if I tried to initiate it be wouldn’t be interested wouldn’t want sex until I was falling asleep and then he would start.
      I don’t understand why if he wanted sex he wouldn’t have it if I initiated it. I hope this makes sense

    • #14940
      SaharaD
      Participant

      Exactly. It’s about power and control and entitlement.

      He is basically saying ‘we will have sex when I say so when I want not when you ask.”

      and for all we know their twisted sexuality means they can only get aroused by their twisted fantasies of sleep rape and sexual coercion

      some of these men also watch the most women-demeaning and horrific violent pornography.

      Relationships are about compromise and these men believe that they are entitled not to compromise because they are the ones with the power and control.

      it’s sexual abuse.

    • #14945
      Serenity
      Participant

      Yes, it was. It was emotional abuse, using sex as a weapon. It is the typical trait of a perpetrator and psychopath, dropping fear inducing comments like that at a time when you were most vulnerable and should have felt valued and respected.

      I think these abusers really are drunk on a sense of their own superiority and arrogance.

    • #14957
      Inneedofsomepeace
      Participant

      Thank you ladies. Please understand when ever I tried to initiate it, it wasn’t because I wanted sex it was to try and get it over an done with! I had already understood there was alot of sexual abuse in the relationship, inappropriate touching forcing me to do things I didn’t want to do, rape, a**l rape ect, getting angry if I didn’t want sex. I just wondered if this was part of it and I think you’re right it was a power and control thing “we’ll have sex when I want it and say not when you want it!”

      Healthy archive – my husband wouldn’t let me wear anything to bed, or I would have to wear what he said ie stocking suspender belt things (that were always to small!) Bra ect or corset (again too small) and usually red accompanyed by red lid stick. I hated this look as I’m sure you can imagine, again I think it’s power and control “you don’t like it so I’ll make you do it!

      Another thing he’d do is pick pennies up and give them me with the comment ” that’s payment for later” I always knew he ment sex. It used to really upset me.

      Is it me or do these men have a deluded sense of self importance!

    • #14997
      Confused123
      Participant

      HI Hun

      Its just about control and breaking our self esteem further, my ex used to do same, always demand sex, if ever i thought just give in morining to get over and done with he would say im too tired and make me feel desperate, he was only have sex on his terms and time, pathethic bloomin men, i actiually used to say to my ex u dont need a partner u just need a p***Y machine to meet your needs

    • #15004
      Falling Skys
      Participant

      Hi

      Nothing about making love and showing affection.

      I realise know it was control and pay back for not doing what he wanted during the day.

      These men are despicable.

      I use to try and initiate to get it over with. Make the noises so he thought I c*m and did what ever was needed to get him finished as quickly as possible.

      If I resisted it lasted a lot longer and was worse.

      Luckily he had erection issues so it stop it, but the another form of abuse kick in.

      FS xx

    • #15044
      Serenity
      Participant

      My ex used to snort at me saying I was a fuddy duddy for wearing clothes in bed. I didn’t wear old fashioned nightdresses-I wore modern tshirt and pyjama sets, but he wanted me to be naked too.

      He also told me to go and buy red lingerie! I told him no, and he was full of derision.

      I think abusers try to be good lovers and learn some ‘good’ techniques to ensnare and keep victims hooked. However, my ex was more and more a bad and aggressive, sloppy lover, and did some things which were so off-putting. He seemed to think I would enjoy his spit all over me- how foul. To me, that is demeaning, as is the penny thing mentioned above: how disgusting to do that. These men are really warped, are high on their own sense of power.

      The only love affair they will ever have is the love affair they have with themselves. My ex used to always look at himself in mirrors as he walked past them, whereas I hate looking at myself.

    • #15047
      Ayanna
      Participant

      Hi Inneedofsomespace, my ex complained when he did not have sex for two days. He was never happy when I initiated it. As you did, I also just wanted to get it out of the way when he became too nagging and unbearable. He complained when I did not initiate it, but when I did he was not interested. He wanted me to put on these w***e underwear all the time and he hated it when I put on pyjamas to go to bed. I feel cold a lot and warm pyjamas are such a treat. I do not know how many times I felt cold in my sleep because I had to wear these stupid w***e things. He would then let me go to bed and once I was about to fall asleep he turned on the light and demanded sex. I usually had no more of two to three hours of sleep and was hurting everywhere and had to go back to work. I hated sex with that man and I hated him. I needed operations because of the injuries. I wish he did become impotent. That would affect his over-inflated self esteem badly, hahaha!

    • #15064
      Whathaveidone
      Participant

      mine does that. He seems to always want sex just as I’m about to fall asleep. He knows how much I need sleep in order to function properly during the day but no if he wants it, he’ll get it.

      He’ll say things to me like how its a necessity to have sex and that the human body needs it even if I don’t feel like it. He was saying that I had psychological issues that was preventing me from wanting to have sex because “physiologically” my body responds in a positive way (meaning non consentual sex is ok because your body doesnt resist). He kept accusing me of not making any effort.

      All the times I’v been with him I’ve NEVER intiated sex. I think subconsciously it was because I new our relationship was wrong and that I never really loved him in that way. he always criticises me for not iniating but as much as I would like to (just to stop the harassment and complaints) I can not bring myself to do it. I never want to have sex with him which is a very worrying sign I know.

      What I found confusing though, was how he would tell me stories in the past about how he used to withdraw sex from his past exes as “punishement” (i.e. if they did something that he didnt like – unrelated to sex- that he wouldn’t initiate or participate in sex just to ‘teach them a lesson’) then laugh about how the women were ‘craving’ him, ‘gagging’ or ‘begging’ him for it and he would eventually ‘give it to them’. He’s sick isn’t he?
      However despite this, when it comes to me, sex is a necessity he needs constantly. He said he can’t understand why I’m not ‘craving him’ and he even told me he tried the trick on me and it didn’t work.

      So I guess instead he uses another tecnique of just constant harrassment, sexual coersion and even rape. Early in the relationship he made me do things that I didn’t want (i.e. oral sex) but over the past few years I’ve refused but it hasn’t stopped his constant ‘need’ for it.

      He also controls everything i wear whether that’s inside or outside. When we first started a sexual relationship he ripped up my underwear becaiuse it wasn’t ‘grown-up enough’ (i.e. it wasn’t sexy enough) so now i hve to wear underway which he approves of. I have to sleep naked in bed depite me wanted to wear pj’s. I can’t wear vests, ot shorts – I can’t even wear ‘his’ sexy underwear to sleep. If I do, he just takes it off anyway and I can’t go to sleep because of all the unwanted sexual touching which evwntually leads onto unwated sex. But resisting makes it worse so I just let him in these circumstances.

      He’s always dropping hints about sex, or ‘sleeping early’ when we haven’t had sex (usually 2 days after). I used to think all of this was normal because 1) I’ve never been with anyone else before 2) I was(am?) still quite young and naive 3) there were times occasionally when I enjoyed it because I loved him so much (I didn’t see the relationahip as abusive at all) so I thought the love was reciprocated.

      Now, my thoughts are different. I still love him but not in the same way. I can’t iniate sex because I never feel like wanting to do it with him. So now everytime I just pretend, act as though I enjoy just to get it over and done with. If not, it just draggs on. He’s even told me once it felt like he was raping it because he thought I wasn’t enjoying it. Well, I can’t remeber what i said but I tried to reassure him that is was all OK(to prevent an oncoming pointless and relentless argument) but it wasn’t.

      I have no friends or anyone to share my thoughts or experiences with. I can see now that he’s made it that way because he doesn’t want anyone to find out. I know I should report him but I’m still too scared.

    • #15066
      WanderingCloud
      Participant

      Everyone of the comments made within this thread are so familiar. I dont initiate sex as such butI know that if he goes so long without it, the moods heighten so if I mention it in a light hearted way, he thinks I am gagging for it. This couldn’t be further from the truth.
      The dressing up as our sex life is boring, same as same as.
      Going to bed, he has to place his hand down my knickers either on my bum or down the front, when I protest I get called boring but its like water of a ducks back now.
      He has started waking me up early for sex, I give in but he has to be quick and from behind just so its over and done with.
      None of this is part of a normal loving relationship but normal within an abusive, controlling, dysfunctional relationship with a n********t.

    • #15058
      Whathaveidone
      Participant

      This is me. litereally. All I want is to do, in an ideal world, is to read a book I liked before going to sleep with pj’s on but no. I’m not allowed to read – EVER – and I’m not allowed to wear any form of clothing to sleep (except if i’m on my period).

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