would value other’s perspective

[lover of no contact]

Reading lostand broke’s post and the responses congratualating L&B on her new found freedom has got me thinking. I’m still not totally free from the ‘cycle of abuse’. In fact I’ve never lived ‘abuse -free’ totally so I must not be healing fully. I got totally free from my abuser mum and ex husband. I am ruthless about this.

However a few months before I got my freedom from my husband abuser, I started work where the cycle of abuse is played out. I have been there a few years and I have awareness of the dysfunctional dynamic. I am on the receiving end of the abusive behaviours by many co-workers addicted to Power and Control. I am trying minimum contact to control the situation. My other co-workers are also on the receiving end of the abusive behaviours, trouble is yesterday 2 of them turned on me (spurred on by the smear campaign against me by the main bullies, and the boss is one too). I seem to be able to deal with the main addicts (to Power and Control). They know I see through them so my responses are minimal. However, even my good friend (who is being controlled herself) had contempt in her face for me and believes the ‘lies’ told about me. And she sided with the other workers who let loose on me yesterday, harassing me about the work, raising their voices, bad tone in their voice towards me etc.

And they are so unappreciative. I was very unwell and dragged myself into work so as not to let them down and being vulnerable the main bully started pulling the strings of my work-colleague puppets and I got all the flak.

TBH this happened only in the last hour of work (but it had been building up )all day. I stood up for myself firmly a little bit so I didn’t feel as bad as I would if I had stayed quiet (which I usually do) but my tears came up last night. I know I’m being bullied by the staff as are some of the clientele.

I was bargaining to stay in this job to myself saying better to have a few hours of unacceptable behaviour and then have no money anxiety. Put up with it for the paycheck. I love the work. I love the hours. Its an easy commute. Its just I’m constantly being triggered by the bullying behaviour by whichever bullies are working with me that day and now that my friend has joined them, I am alone except for one other girl who works different hours.

I also say to myself I’m going to stay in this job to learn new behaviours on how to stand up for myself more with regards to bossy, controlling behaviours. I think I’ve improved but only slightly because I forget what to say and am ‘silenced’ when other’s tone is harsh, pointing out my mistakes, raised voices at me, etc.

Then if I go to another workplace will I still encounter the same behaviours? There are abusers everywhere. I went to part-time hours to cope. But its taking me a day or so to come back to myself after a day at work. I can’t control my feelings around it.

So I have never lived out of the cycle of abuse in all of my life, can I heal properly this way. I live part-time in a cycle of abuse. I suppose its still like living with an abuser a couple of days a week. Same affects.

Any insights appreciated ladies.

[Ayanna]

I am glad you posted this, because I have the same problem.
I changed work a lot but in the end it is the same everywhere. Where I am now is the least abusive place I have been in a long time. But abusers are still there and try to bully me.

I wonder whether there is something in my appearances that attracts abusers. I am not very assertive and when someone talks harshly to me I shrink. I have been like this all my life because of the childhood abuse that I suffered.

Since I fled my already low self confidence has vanished entirely.

I am struggling to build my confidence back and to stand up to people at work.

I try not to let this get to me because I already have to deal with too much.

I know the problem and I work on it. I try to look self confident even if I am not.
I have no career aspirations at the moment.
I hope when I am there longer and people know me they will accept me as I am.

I keep telling myself that it is just a job and I need it to pay my bills and pay for my retirement.

[Jupiter]

I can relate to this in that wherever I have lived-have moved a lot to escape trauma but settled now-abusers seem to find me in some way.they come in all shapes and sizes and appear to know who is vulnerable but if we build up good self esteem we will be able to defend ourselves.It is common knowledge that bullies target people who have no confidence .
When you feel strong you probably wont see this type of abuse any more or you will get rid of them straight away as you have more tools in your box.
Jupiter

[lover of no contact]

Thanks girls. I feel better knowing that I’m not alone in this. When a particularly bad bout happens I keep thinking how can I get away from them (the work bullies) but I don’t want to cut off my nose to spite my face as the job suits me on all other levels except for the immediate staff.

I too shrink when someone speaks harshly. I am strong person inside but I get a shock when people are harsh, cross and fault- finding and I shrink. I’ve read that a psychopath himself explains how he chooses his targets and it made me feel better as he said us Super-Empaths are very obvious. Every gesture, every word, every response we give to others shows how empathetic we are. They can spot us a mile off. Its in our nature. For the psychopath this represents copious amounts of fuel. We will be more hurt, more affected than as he calls normal people.

Its good to be reminded that its only a job and that I just need the money to pay my bills and stay free.

After this episode I’m going to take a step back in my attitude and be civil and polite but cool (even if I have to pretend). My normal default position is to go back into the relationship as if nothing has happened. Forgiveness for me now is ‘enabling ‘ abusive behaviour. I may have to pretend I’m angry to stay in a detached relationship with them so they can’t hurt me again. Obviously I have to work with them but from now on my boundaries will be in place. I will discuss only work related things. They have lost their chance with me now. Once bitten twice shy (this has happened before but I forgive and forget and resume a normal interaction with them) and then they get close to me again and the main bully pulls their string and they hurt me again.

I too will practice standing up to them now. Sometimes the best way to punch is to take a step back. Let them know with my actions not my words that they have treated me badly.

It is true bullies are everywhere, and in all shapes and sizes. And even bullies can be bullied but I’m at the bottom of the heap with another girl as I refuse to bully. One of my tools is this Forum which keeps me strong and aware. (Link to book removed by moderator).

[Author]

Posts