Would you have been concerned?

[Hopingforpeace]

I met a new guy recently, we got on well, had a laugh, shared some similar interests and chatted easily. I explained I wanted to take things slow and wouldn’t be ready to have sex for some time, needed to get to know him better first and know I can trust him. We have had some foreplay and kissing which was nice and he had said more than once that he was fine not having sex so I didn’t think he would make a move to so I had felt reasonably ok with the foreplay. But then he moved on top of me and at first thought was just going to kiss me but then he went to put his penis in and I very clearly said don’t. he said not even in a little bit and said no and he didnt. I asked him to get off me and he did. But for me that was it, I no longer felt comfortable. He shouldn’t have asked again when id said don’t and I don’t think he should have made a move to have sex or even ask me as he knew I wasn’t ready as I had been very clear about it and he had said he was ok with that. He could wait and take things slow. But clearly he wanted more and wasn’t ok with that. I have ended it with him.

[iwillbeok]

I think you have done the right thing. You had already expressed to him what your boundaries were, he said he accepted these and then he chose to test them – twice! Who needs to be told twice?! No is no! “Not even a little bit” – what the hell is that about? Clearly someone who is not interested in your wellbeing. I am so glad for you that he did stop. Well done for sticking to your boundaries and cutting him off.

Iwillbeok x

[Hopingforpeace]

Thank you ‘iwillbeok’ for replying to my post; it has really helped. I have a health issue at the moment which means that sex could be painful too which is one of the reasons why I didn’t want sex yet. So think he was saying lets just try it a little. But he knew I didn’t want sex yet, knew my reasons, said he understood and happy to wait yet it felt like he wasn’t taking them seriously and was just thinking about what he wanted. He doesn’t seem to have any idea why I ended it. I mean I wasn’t explicit but made it clear that I hadn’t been comfortable and didn’t want the same as what he wanted. He said shame we cant work through the uncomfortable bits, and didn’t mention the fact I said we didn’t want the same things. So glad I had confidence to stick up for myself, because of what I went through with my ex I sometimes wondered if I would be able to if I needed to. Hope your ok.x

[iwillbeok]

Hi,

Well done on spotting the red flags and having the courage to stick to your boundaries!

This is something that plays on my mind a little sometimes- the idea of being intimate with someone again. My ex was my only lover (well only male lover but that’s a different(complicated) story) and we were together for a very long time. After what he put me through using sexual coersion to punish, degrade and break me, the idea of letting a man that close to me again is very anxious making. I still have a sex drive – I want to have intimacy, in fact am dying for a good snog! Lol! But the reality dawns and I wonder if I’m too damaged emotionally to ever be able to be that vulnerable again. I do feel I’m getting on a bit – but I think thats more a self-confidence issue more than anything.

Otherwise I am doing ok. Mostly ups, a few wobbles but as I read today:

I am in the process of emergence and no longer in a state of emergency.

Take care,
Iwillbeok x

[Hopingforpeace]

Thank you. I think I understand how you feel. I have a lot to work through too. You can message me if you would like to chat some more. It was really hard for me to write my post but needed to, to be able to connect with others like yourself who would understand.

[Hopingforpeace]

Take one step at a time ‘iwillbeok’, sounds like you are doing really well. Keep going, you can do this. x

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