would you say complete no contact makes you safer or should make you more weary?

[Positiveandlookingahead]

Good evening ladies. I was told today that not hearing from him and him moving away is not actually a good thing and I shouldn’t assume that I am safe. I’m not sure if that’s right. I’ve maintained no contact for a while I haven’t tried to get revenge or do anything along those lines. He was furious that I started divorce proceedings so I realise that challenges his view that he’s so superior and I’m inferior to him and women don’t have the right to make decisions it’s a mans world. Any advice would be greatly appreciated as I want to ensure I’m safe even if he does live in a different part of the country. X

[WalkerInTheRain]

I don’t think no contact necessarily made me feel safer. Feeling safer came with time and certain physical restrictions (extra locks, house alarm, parking my car near CCTV at work and in public car parks…).
No contact gave me the head space to start disentangling myself from him. To peel away those layers of abuse without him trying to manipulate my thoughts.

[Positiveandlookingahead]

That’s exactly what I think. I’ve also changed my number so he can’t contact me and completely cut out mutual friends as they believed him over me. He’s never actually physically hit me but I was scared of him as he was passive aggressive. Also he isn’t getting what he wants from me do after I kept him he completely discarded me which I didn’t expect as I was his wife and he had no fight for me. I alao involved the police which he thought I was joking about but when they contacted him he became cooperative and nice as pie!

I am not giving him any fuel, none of the attention that he’s thirsty for and when he discarded me I was sent evidence of him trying to move onto his next target. I no longer serve his purpose and he knows I have a huge amount of support around me which is what he tried to destroy. I guess it depends on your circumstance and I think I’m safe but it’s really got me worried as I have got away from his grip and control something he tried so hard to prevent. I think he’s moved onto his next target a long time ago and calling the police shows him I will not tolerate his behaviour so it’s sending out a message to him. He knows if I report him I’ll do everything to destroy him and he more than anyone knows the consequences of being back on the wrong side of the law.

X

[Positiveandlookingahead]

Those are brilliant steps that you have put into place have you considered a dash com for your car and a panic alarm? I guess the key thing is staying vigilant. That’s exactly what no contact did for me too I don’t know what it is about him but he makes me question my judgment so easily and I doubt myself. You’re doing really well 😊 X

[Nova]

Hi Ladies, I agree with staying vigilant, & NC means at least distance away from the confusion and the actual being with him physically and mentally, that’s absolutely vital to me, to have that space, and disconnect.

I wouldn’t be able to move on one step, without NC.
The trauma bond is far far too strong for me atm, which makes it difficult to negotiate anything, that needs to be sorted, practically.so I am a bit stuck with the NC, ‘in limbo’ and cautious…makes me still feel emotionally controlled, though I appreciated it’s best long term.
Extremely tough to get any sense of balance isn’t it!

Cx

[Serenity]

I remember when I first went No Contact, it was quite ambivalent: I felt protected from any direct onslaughts from him, but the silence felt kind of ominous. Because I wasn’t communicating with him, I didn’t know know what he might be plotting or planning.

Nevertheless, I think we need no direct contact. It stops him from inflicting direct, further wounds for the greater part. It immobilises and limits their freedom to inflict abuse. What we do need to do to feel safe is to imagine in our mind every possible scenario. Ask ourselves: what do I fear? And then take steps to put provisions in place. For example, opening a log with the police and updating them with information when needed ; alarms; downloading a voice recorder app on your phone to
Tape him if he ever did approach you; etc..

[Author]

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