Wow – how am I still here?

[Whathashappenedtome]

Well where do I start – my mind feels totally foggy and blurred right now and really wondering how I’ve made it to this point.

I have spent the past (detail removed by Moderator) years in an extremely difficult relationship – from constantly hearing what a dreadful person I am to falling victim to some of the most terrible situations I would never imagine a woman would go through.

From the constant n********t comments to being strangled, kicked, punched, hair pulled, bruises and marks left over me to the most passionate and loving relationship I couldn’t possibly leave – to lead me here. Him leaving after fuelling himself with class A’s stealing my phone, money and watch. I’ve now received my phone back through the letter box but with all the abuse that has come since how I am raised wrong, have no respect or morals, no friends and no one to turn to I’ve had to contact the police regarding my (detail removed by Moderator) that he has taken as (detail removed by Moderator).

As I sit here and relive some of the moments that happened through this time I wonder how two people can have such a toxic awful relationship to it being so passionate and loving. Now I sit and feel the guilty and abandonment. I can’t believe he has treated me the way he has and then just leaves – after all the things I have forgiven.

I feel stupid, lonely, worthless and very confused why after all this horrible behaviour I just want him to stop being so horrible and acting in this way.

Why does he have to take those drugs and drink, get paranoid and go through my phone?

He’s walked out because I have blocked my exes number (detail removed by Moderator) so he can never contact me and my daughter had a (detail removed by Moderator) FaceTime with her father that I didn’t tell him about. It doesn’t make sense that he calls me a liar and all of these nasty things when I genuinely haven’t done anything.

How could he take my belongings as payment? I have to pay for the (detail removed by Moderator), I have to cover all the mess he makes, the broken windows and walls, the bruises I have yet he walks away with (detail removed by Moderator) of stuff. God I hate him but love him all the same.

I feel so lost and don’t want to feel like this. How do I stop loving him and thinking it could be different?

[Anonymous]

You stop loving him by realising it isn’t love, it’s a serious trauma bond (you’ve probably heard the term,if not google it) he’s got serious issues you’ve taken the brunt of all of them, your far from horrible a horrible person didn’t experience all these treatments a horrible person acts out and gives all those treatment, he doesn’t deserve any contact with you whatsoever and the way he’s behaved he may be a danger to your daughter as well, if he’s taken things from you (I know he’s no right) but as this man is so dangerous your life your health and those of your daughter are worth much more than things.The main thing is keeping him completely out of both your lives in any way you can (be it legally or completely no contact) abusers are dangerous on their own term but filled with alcohol and fuelled by drugs we’re talking another level of danger, you need to protect yourself now,(you might even need to move somewhere else) I know you might not want to but it could be the only thing to keep you safe ❤️🧡❤️

[Somar]

Hi whathashappenedtome,

This sounds very similar to the relationship I have just left, he was also so loving and passionate, but jez could he turn! This was also due to drugs, I was also strangled hair pulled kicked spat on, called every disgusting name possible and my passed dragged up every single time… I never really had a passed but in his eyes I did, I lived my life with him going on and in about it. The drugs he’d deny constantly to my face. For the sake of my children ( one being his) I had to leave. He’s done some despicable things to me since I have left as he lost control of me, so I had to go to the police.

I often thought of all the nice times we had and that upsets me but then I remember the bad and what my children had seen heard, one being very young i had to protect.. they will never admit wrong, never admit addiction they will only blame you I’ve learned that thru lots of help and guidance

It’s a hard mountain to climb but each day I get stronger and I promise you will to, it might not seem that way just now, you and your daughter deserve so much better ❤️ X*x

[Whathashappenedtome]

Thank you for your responses. It’s been a hard day, after all of yesterday with the police and getting the locks changed etc he ended up making contact again today. Firstly asking me (detail removed by Moderator). On the flip he’s not drinking or anything anymore, focusing on the gym and getting healthy physically and mentally. Half accepting his wrong doing and saying he hopes time will tell and (detail removed by Moderator). It’s funny because now he’s gone it’s so calm, I can sit and drink a glass of wine, have a long bath and shave without wondering if he’s going to question my motives. On the back of this, can’t help but the normal him that would be sitting here with me on a normal day and feel that feeling of being part of something.

Can’t help replaying everything and wondering how things can now be turned around. I feel so stupid to even be considering any life with him. He’s agree for us focusing on ourselves for the time being, I’m just hoping that time will pull me further from him.

Thanks for listening ladies x

[Author]

Posts