Years ago I left – but only now am I dealing with it…

[20YearsAgo]

Hello
I’m new here and I’ve joined because I have no one in my life that understands what it’s like to have been abused.

It’s been a very long time since I left, but I was very young when it happened and for the best part of (detail removed by Moderator) I didn’t really allow myself to think about what happened and to acknowledge that what I went through was abuse. I was just so glad to leave. But now it’s all around me, every day I’m haunted by what happened. I’ve talked to counsellors, had some CBT for trauma via the NHS (didn’t really work – wasn’t enough), but now I’m on a (very long) waiting list for specialist counselling from people who work with women like me. I’ve thought about going to the police (detail removed by Moderator), but I’m still terrified of him and can’t think about that yet…

I’m just looking for people who understand what this does to you. How it changes you, forever. I’m only now realising that I really don’t trust people, that I’m scared all the time, that I want love but then when I get it I think they must be mad to love me. And as for sex… I used to think I really loved it, but now I think it’s just another way I seek validation. That if someone has sex with me then I must be ok…. but really I have no sense of self worth, no self-esteem and no sense of any value as a human. And I’m angry, angry at how after all this time I’m still suffering, still in pain, still trying to get over it and make sense of it.

My mental health is a rollercoaster and I’ve had so much time of sick in the past (detail removed by Moderator) from work that I’m starting to think I might have to stop working (not that I can afford to) and that terrifies me.

I’m holding on and some days are better than others, but I really don’t have anyone in my life who has been through abuse. Who knows how crippling and devastating it can be and how angry it makes you feel… and the rest!

So really I’m just looking to find people who just get it…

Thanks for reading this far and for any response you feel you want to give.

Big love x*x

[Lisa]

Hi,

Thank you for sharing with us. Abuse can have such an impact on our wellbeing and mental health. I hope you find it helpful to post on the forum with others who understand.

I understand from your post you are on a waiting list for specialist counselling and you have received support in the past. I wanted to let you know about Bloom in case it is helpful to you- Bloom offers free online courses created by or in partnership with therapists specialising in trauma. These courses can be accessed in your own time and at your own pace and cover topics such as trauma, abuse and boundaries. Bloom can be found here.

Keep posting when you can, there is support here for you.

Best wishes,

Lisa
Forum Moderator

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