Years later and trying to make sense of it all

[Bluegem]

WHY?

July 2019 ….. thinking about difference between physical abuse versus emotional abuse, Was trying to explain to my counsellor why I wished D had actually hit/punched me instead. Then I would have suffered visible injury such as cuts and bruises. I could explain it in simple terms. e.g. he punched me in the stomach and I was in agony, I couldn’t get my breath. He hit me in the face and I had dark bruises and my lip was bleeding. People can imagine the horror of that. They can visualise his anger, his hand punching me, feel my fear. There would be no room for doubt. People could understand how I was frightened of him. But his anger was not loud it was silent and sinister. His body language, the set of his mouth was every bit as frightening as if he was yelling and using his fists. He used words to frighten me, delivered with quiet rage. I would be afraid to say anything because I never knew how he would react. One example was when my sister and I were planning to take our mother on a picnic and bring up the subject of our childhood. We were hoping that we could get her to talk about why she was so unhappy, as she must have been to abuse us in the way she did. As D and I were washing up I brought this up with him in the way you do with your partner. I was shocked by his reaction. Through gritted teeth he seethed “oh for Christ’s sake, why can’t you leave the poor woman alone?” He turned his back on me and walked out leaving me shaken by his anger. I felt like I must be a really bad person. This often happened with him, he would deliver a toxic comment and walk away so that there was no chance for me to ask him why he was so angry. Another example was when my son had sent me a funny text and I was smiling. I repeated it to D and again he responded with such venomous anger. We had just finished dinner, he got up from the table, turned his back on me saying “oh what is the matter with *****, he needs to grow up and realise that life is not just a barrel of laughs”! Again he was walking away from me and I could not respond to his back. I was feeling horrible, my stomach all churned up. If he had hit me I would have felt validated for being so afraid. Also he would probably feel bad about hitting me and apologise. Then the bruises would heal. I have not healed from the emotional abuse he dished out. People don’t understand about emotional abuse in the same way, how it makes you feel, at the time and even years later. Only those who have been through it understand.

Sometimes I think I would feel better if he had held me down and raped me. Then I could say he raped me and people would understand what happened. Instead he coerced me to be naked and perform a sex act on him when I was feeling weak and vulnerable from cancer treatment. If I describe what happened people would not understand, he never spoke the whole time or used physical force. But I DIDN’T have a choice, saying no was NOT an option. He KNEW I was hating it but he didn’t care. He felt ENTITLED.

Another time he used force to push his hands down my jeans. He wanted sex. I tried pleading with him saying that I was so very tired from my day out and being three weeks into radiotherapy. I could never just say I didn’t want sex because he had told me I would be out of his house if I wasn’t ‘with him 100% ‘ and also I was too scared of his reaction if I said no. I would use excuses like I felt c**p because of the cancer. But again he felt entitled. He said I had promised him sex at the weekend and it was the weekend so that entitled him to have sex. God how I hated him at that moment. What a totally selfish b*****d. Never asked how I was feeling or how my day out went. Just whining “it’s the weekend, you promised me sex on the weekend”. My counsellor tells me to say words I feel to describe him. There are no words!

Another time, he locked me inside the house and had all the keys in his pockets. He sat there sniggering as he jangled his pockets. When I went upstairs he followed me and clamped his arms round me from behind. He was squeezing my already sore breast. I asked him to take his hands off me. His alcohol stinking breath as he pushed his face into mine saying “what if I don’t, what are you going to do about it”? I couldn’t do anything, he had the keys. He was physically stronger than me. Just two more days and I would be gone. I kept that thought in my head, just two more days and I will be FREE!!

(detail removed by moderator) and thinking about all this now, I wonder why he didn’t use his fists. The anger was so very toxic. Why do some men use fists and some use words. Is it because bruises would show? Or maybe they don’t feel they have done any wrong as when a man uses his hands to hurt you, there is no doubt that his behaviour is not acceptable, it’s against the law, it’s clearly assault. People understand. When I spoke to D on the phone about a year after I left (he phoned to tell me he was putting my dog down as he had bitten him) he said he still didn’t understand what went wrong between us and why had I left him. Unbelievable! Yet if he had beaten me up and given me visible bruises then I could say, “well you beat me up and you could have killed me”. As I write this I wish he had beaten me up instead of using emotional abuse. I certainly think I would have left him a lot sooner. Who in their right minds stays with a guy for(detail removed by moderator)when they are getting beaten up? Maybe this is the answer to why some men use more subtle methods of abuse. But why do they do it at all? Wouldn’t they prefer to live a happy life with a happy partner? What do they gain? None of it makes any sense.

[KIP.]

I think by the time hitting appears we are so shocked and broken. Many women cover the bruises and make excuses for the beatings. Just like we made excuses for the verbal abuse and verbal assaults and the actual threats of violence which terrified me. They will use whatever means they have available to achieve their goal which is to retain control and keep us subservient. I think a lot of the physical stuff is to back up the mental abuse. My bruises healed years ago but my mental scars never will. I just learn to live with them.

[Peacethroughhealing]

Bluegem that is the thing. Why do they do it and would they not prefer a happy life and partnership but I think they need the chaos, the upset. They thrive on it. I’ve asked myself that question so many times because what is so wrong with a loving relationship and peace but they are simply not capable of it.

[Peacethroughhealing]

It is all very sad.

[KIP.]

That’s the thing. Their idea of a happy life and our idea of a happy life are two different things. Once the honeymoon phase is over most couples compromise and find common ground and things become less intense. With an abuser once he’s sees that honeymoon phase ending he thinks he can get his honeymoon phase back by control and brutality. I actually think he gets a bigger thrill by getting his own way. Trouble is, even when he gets his own way, his good mood doesn’t last. It is very sad. These men should have a health warning on them.

[Author]

Posts