Yes, it’s abuse

[Camel]

To all the ladies who ask ‘is this abuse?’ These won’t apply to everyone, of course, but here are some red flags I wish I’d known about at the time. By the way, they all occurred within the first few months…

Introducing the ‘other woman’ into our relationship before I was confident we had a relationship.

Quizzing me on my relationship history but never being happy with my answers. Making me feel that lying is the safest option. Pure delight when he discovers a lie. Cheating on me anyway. (Towards the end I shared an unexpected snog with someone while he was passed out drunk. Delicious revenge! And sum total of my infidelity.)

Telling me early on that his ex cheated on him so he has trust issues. (But not telling me that he will never trust me. Ever.)

Phone bullying – calling at inappropriate times (at work, when out with friends, very early or very late); expecting me to pick up immediately (or having to justify why not) ; controlling who I contact or who contacts me (or having to justify other friendships); not answering when I call or message him (to punish me for perceived wrongdoing).

Claiming to adore me (the ‘me’ that’s strong, independent, educated, vibrant, witty, attractive or whatever) then turning the positives into negatives. I’m not independent, I’m selfish. I’m not witty, I’m a b*tch. I’m not attractive, I’m a sl*g.

Pretending to like what I like. (I enjoyed London gigs so he wooed me with pub gigs.) Then criticised my taste and behaviour when I took him along to the things that I like (making sure to spoil everything, every time).

Off-kilter behaviour – randomly angry and punchy; walking off (without warning, not caring how I get home); sulking, sexually aggressive (with me), flirtatious (with someone else), falling-down drunk and still looking for drink.

Demanding sex drive – it’s fun at the start, being woken up after 3 hours sleep, when you’re both keen. Not so much fun when it’s making you late for work. Even less fun when you’re groped awake. No fun at all when he’s shouting about his ‘needs’; when you drink to get in the mood; when it’s easier to say nothing and let him get on with it.

I didn’t recognise abuse then. Hopefully I’m wiser now x

[Camel]

I’d say too, watch out for changes in your own behaviour.

Before him:
I rarely had anything resembling an argument. I was easy going, went with the flow.
During him:
There would be several rows a day. The unfairness of it turned me into a screeching harpy.

Before him:
I was confident and independent, a happy risk-taker.
During him:
I pretended not to notice motorbikes going past. He knew I liked bikes. I could feel him watching me.

Before him:
I did a bit of texting, didn’t really use my call minutes.
During him:
I kept my phone in my back pocket while I hoovered so I’d feel it vibrating if he rang.

Before him:
Had many friends (and some exes) from all sorts of social circles.
During him:
I actually stared an acquaintance down and insisted I had no idea who he was. He kept coming up with details and still I fronted it out. With the ex watching and listening the lie came easier than the truth.

[HopeLifeJoy]

It amazed me each and every time how similar and uncreative abusers are. They do all read the same abuse manual.

I find some great truth in your second post, to notice changes in our own behaviours is a strong indicator to find out if the company we are sharing is healthy for us or not.

Thanks for sharing!

[blue eyes]

When I read this I couldn’t believe it. I can recognize some of what you are saying. I can’t get my head around that other men behave like my two partners I always thought it was just me dealing with this. I have felt very alone for years and here is someone describing my life. With my first long term partner, I recognize the calling very late,the “walking off (without warning, not caring how I get home); sulking, …..and falling-down drunk and still looking for drink.” This was him to a tee.
With my second shorter relationship, he definitely did the “Introducing the ‘other woman’ into our relationship before I was confident we had a relationship” thing, he changed the positives in to negatives quite quickly, encouraging an interest then vilifying me for it. He also said he liked the things I liked. He sulked as well and with the both of them there were silent treatments. I have written two long posts on these boards trying to understand it all.
Are these common behaviours, has everyone on here gone through this? What is the point of them?
Camel, can you give examples of what he did to introduce another woman into your relationship? Mine kept constantly talking about his female friend who wasn’t very nice to me, it was like he was obsessed with her and he did jobs and errands ostensibly for her father but really for her. He drove me insane because he kept saying she was just a friend and I was way off and in the wrong for getting upset, but she contacted him every day. He blamed me and said I was unreasonable and jealous, but it hurt me every time he mentioned her. I couldn’t take it any more and angrily said did he want to finish , he said yes and was vile to me shutting the door in my face refusing to listen to my explanations.

[Camel]

Hi Blue Eyes

Sorry for replying to you so late.

In my case the other woman was the ex before me. She’d lived in his house with her two children. His own children shared the space when they came for visits so there was a well-established family unit, although one that changed shape every couple of weeks. He said that they broke up because he couldn’t handle her kids who he reckoned took him for granted and were lazy and talked back. I said it was worrying that he’d really broken up with the kids and not her.

They were still socialising at the start of our relationship and it was a case of like it or lump it. He said the kids missed each other so what kind of b*tch would I have been to raise any objections.

Once I was moved in (bullied into this) I set about re-decorating. He’d pass on her comments that she was sad to see things changed. She was obviously still coming round.

He gave away a rather (detail removed by moderator), taking it round himself.

At the same time he made out she was a bit crazy and wasn’t coping so well without him. There was a little spell of stalking behaviour but I trusted him and his reasoning that it would be cruel to just cut her off. Once a letter for me was hand delivered to the house. It said they had to tell me that my ‘husband’ was conducting an affair while I was out at work. I showed it to the ex and asked if it was her writing. Looking at it now he should have been stuffed whether or not it was from her. Stuffed if the ex was still so invested in him and causing trouble. Stuffed if it was a concerned stranger pointing the finger. As it happens he wasn’t stuffed at all. Somehow it was put down to an unspecified malicious neighbour just out to stir things up. Unbelievable.

I found out for sure he’d been having an affair with this ex (emails describing noisy sex with all the kids in the house) I was devastated and totally surprised. I tried to lay down the law and said he had to cut contact, that it was upsetting they were still friends on social media. He reacted by unfriending me.

There were other ‘other’ women towards the end. The one he searched for on facebook and was a casual holiday fling years before. The one he saw while I was out of the country. The downstairs neighbour whose boyfriend worked away. He didn’t ever hide them, just dropped them into conversation and expected me to accept – which of course I did (till towards the end)

At no point during any of this were my feelings considered. I don’t know exactly how he did it but somehow early on I absorbed the message that I was not allowed to feel jealous or insecure and he was not to be challenged. At the same time he was pathologically jealous. He rabidly controlled who I communicated with, interrogated my exes and platonic friends, blah blah, you know the drill.

I know what you mean that they all seem to follow a script. It’s been said by others here too. Like you, I didn’t recognise the script. Try not to feel bad that you were duped more than once. I was too (to varying degrees of crazy making.) Forewarned is forearmed, knowledge is power. Make a deal with yourself that in the future you’ll acknowledge the red flags and walk away. I’d rather be a dried up old spinster than compromise my mental health for the sake of a warm body in my bed.

 

[Author]

Posts