‘You have no bruises’

[survivorandproud]

Hi everyone, I’m new to this and do not really know where to start. I’m reasonably young and was with my boyfriend for a reasonably short amount of time. No children, no marriage. However, what has happened has effected me a lot and I still don’t know if it was what you would say is ‘abuse’. I don’t know how else to describe what happened other than put in order.

-In the beginning he was quite nice, he did have traits I go for in a partner such as confidence, slight cockiness though.
-He began to say small things such as ‘you are a freak’ or ‘you were nothing before me, no one even knew you’
-He would do small things like be rude to others, chuck money at restaurant workers and spoke about others in a horrible way
-He had smoked a lot of cannabis in the past and did on and off when I was with him
-He was in and out of employment and I could sense he was jealous of me at times as I have a good stable job
-He would make me feel uncomfortable and force to go out and do things I didn’t like and if I didn’t want to he would say ‘stop being so boring, you’re so unsociable’
-He became physically abusive whenever I tried to leave him. If I tried to walk out of the his bedroom he used to grab my face and shake my head, push me to the floor, chuck keys off me. But his reply would always be ‘you’ve got no bruises have you’ and anytime I got bruises he would just dismiss them
-He would sometimes trap me in his room for hours and I used to stand in the corner crying and he used to record me crying my eyes out
-He would break my items such as my new bags or make up, straightners. He said it’s the only way he could truly hurt me by breaking the things I worked hard for
-I bought a new car and he punched all of the inside
-He began to then seriously self harm and he would bash his own face in or head butt his wardrobe
-He began becoming jealous of me going out. He used to take my items away from me such as my phone or car keys so I couldn’t physically leave him
-One night I had to physically run after him for my own phone and car keys back and I sprained my ankle falling over and he said I deserved it
-He began to race me in his car and say he was going to kill us both
-I once went to leave and he swallowed around 12 tablets and I can only describe it as he pretended to have an overdose? I stayed with him of course I was besides myself but as soon as his dad walked in he was completely fine. He could change in the blink of an eye
-He used to say I wasn’t allowed to speak to other men or if I went out he would spy on me
-I am a very soft nature person and he used to play on my good will time and time again. When I went to finally leave him he said he was going to kill him self if I didn’t get back with him, he threatened to upload photos of me on Facebook
-He went to anger management twice and said he didn’t need it
-When I finally left he begged for forgiveness. But then he soon changed and gas lighted to everyone around him. No one knows how bad he is.
-I blocked him off everything but he harassed me for weeks off different accounts etc

This is only a small part of the relationship, so much more happened but that is the basis of what I went through everyday. The police did go and see him and he denied any assault and he’d only messaged me twice when drunk. It hurt a lot but what else can I expect.

I just can’t help but think was this actually abuse? He would always blame unemployment, or the fact I left him why he got so bad. I sometimes think if I just shut up and put up it wouldn’t of happened to me

[KIP.]

What you experienced is terrible abuse. Most of it is very typical behaviour from an abuser. The Gaslighting. The jeckyll and Hyde behaviour. Controlling, violence, threats of suicide etc. Abusers always find excuses and others to blame but the sad fact is he chooses to behave that way and he knows exactly what he is doing, the fact his behaviour changed when his father appeared confirms he can control himself when he wants to. If you read other posts on here you will find many men use the same tactics as your abuser. There is a helpline number on here if you would like to talk things through or you could contact your local women’s aid. There’s also a great book called Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. You did nothing wrong. Abusers get their thrills from abusing others it makes them feel powerful to control. Have you spoken to your GP. Try to get some good counselling. You have many bruises to your mental health, some bruises are not visible but they’re there for a long time x

[everythingwillworkout]

Hey Survivor, love your name to bits. So sorry to hear that horrible c**p you have been through with your ex. Hands down, ALL of that is so abusive and undeserved. You sound like a lovely person and you truly didn’t deserve any of this and he didn’t deserve you. I feel like we all ask the same question, “Is this abuse”, but if we have to ask then we know something is really messed up there and that it must be abuse. The reason we question is because they manipulate how we feel and manipulate our perceptions to make us guess ourselves so that we stay trapped with them.

Also, he didn’t abuse because of YOU or anything you did or didn’t do, he did it because he’s an awful person that thinks it’s ok to abuse and harm other people. You couldn’t have stopped him, the only way we can is by leaving – and you did that, despite how hard it is – and as your name says, definitely should be proud about that – it is incredibly hard and painful to do so.

Have you looked into any trauma therapy? I got some Eye Movement Desensitisation Reprocessing (EMDR) – as recommended on the NHS and was absolutely amazing in helping me heal. I also go to group therapy sessions and use CBT everyday, helps everything seem less black.

x

[survivorandproud]

Hi thank you so much for your comments. I am thinking about going to counselling as I still have good and bad days. I am reading the book Living with the Dominator and honestly it is amazing! I could fit my ex partner into every box and I think it’s so important girls and women are more aware of the major warning signs. It helps a lot and could save so many.

[still here]

Hello, survivorandproud. What you’ve described is an abusive relationship. I only read a short way down before I had to look away because i started to feel a wave of anxiety wash over me. It shows a certain amount of deviousness to even think to say ‘you have no bruises’. I got ‘its your word against mine’ alot. Now I look back he was VERY careful about not leaving concrete ‘evidence’ of his behaviour. But when he did, I was doubting myself, wondering whether it was all in my head. I actually don’t think it would have made a difference if you had behaved any differently, been more passive. I know I was only ever kind, decent and caring to that man but he treated me like he did anyway. He just thought he had me in a trap and he was going to keep me there. Unemployment is a stress but lots of people go through that, but it’s a very convenient excuse for someone to hide their abusive behaviour behind. He’ll always have an excuse.

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