2nd February 2016 at 8:18 am #8853
Hiya – just thinking about you, and wondering how you are doing? Not seen you on here for a bit, hope you are OK?
How long now ’til you get the keys?
Are you managing to move things out of the house without him getting suspicious?
Just wanted to make sure you were safe as you prepare to leave him??
2nd February 2016 at 11:18 am #8874Doglover99Participant
Hi there. I’m ok, haven’t been able to log on for a few days. Also have had problems with my son so all my energy has been spent on dealing with all that.
My viewing is next week and I should get the keys two days after and I’m planning to move the few bits of furniture I’m taking with me the following Monday. I’m getting more and more desperate to get my son settled in our new home. He’s not having a good time at all at the moment and things are tense at home, he’s spending more and more time at his friends’ rather than be at home so the sooner we get the flat the better.
I am feeling so guilty and anxious about the whole move thing though. I hate it that I can’t say anything to my husband. I know I shouldn’t feel like that but I do. I have so many practical things to sort out like changing the name on the utility bills, sorting out the house insurance, our phone/broadband provider. It’s all in my name and I don’t want to keep paying for it once I move out. Then there’s informing our landlord. Do I just call him to tell him, or do I need to write to him officially? It’s a very informal arrangement now after being there for years. My husband is in close contact with him so it’s going to be really awkward for all of us.
Everything is going around in my head and I can’t seem to relax at the moment. I’m going to store some of my things at my work. The problem is getting hold of the key to the ladder so I can get in the loft because he keeps locking the doors and hiding the keys so I don’t have access to them most days.
It’s all a big nightmare until we get out. There are tensions in the house and I’m trying to keep things calm and normal but it’s so hard with all this stuff going around in my head, knowing what’s going to happen and he doesn’t have a clue at all. Why do I feel so bad about it when I know how he’s treated us, especially my son. He’s the reason why my son has all these problems, self-esteem and anger issues and why he hates being at home. Why do I still feel bad?
Anyway, sorry, didn’t mean to rant on. I’m ok and will keep posting to keep you updated on our progress. I have external support in place so I’m not completely on my own in this.
Thank you for thinking of me. xx
7th February 2016 at 4:23 pm #9258
Hiya Doglover – great to hear back from you!! 🙂 🙂 🙂
Sorry I did not reply sooner, not been on here much lately, been laid low with a bug.
Not got the energy to come on here and help others at the moment, so, so tired, no energy.
You seem to be doing so well, and are really organised for moving out. There is so much to see to and so much needs doing, but you will get there in the end!! 🙂
I know its hard, but don’t feel guilty about leaving him, you have to do this for your son AND for you. You know this is the right thing to to to do.
It’s very hard to carry as ‘normal’ with so much going on in your head, but not long now eh, you’re down to the last few days……
It’s good you do have support in place, and just keep us updated on how things are going, as and when you can.
You CAN DO this!!!!
Love M.U.M. x*x
2nd February 2016 at 12:12 pm #8884Confused123Participant
u so close now hun, hang in there and think how far u have come,glad to hear u got more support
9th February 2016 at 9:45 am #9366Doglover99Participant
You got my feelings absolutely right. I feel so guilty and bad about doing all this behind my husband’s back. He still has no idea and he’s going to be so upset, shocked, angry…and then he’s probably going to try every trick in the book to cause me trouble, financially or otherwise.
I have been taking things out of the house every day and booked a man & a van for the moving day. It looks like my husband will be working that day so I should be able to get my stuff out. The spying neighbour will no doubt call my husband when he sees the van turn up. What do I do then? If my husband calls to find out what the hell is going on, do I just ignore it? Do I put police on stand-by (not even sure if I can do that)? I am starting to panic about the little details now. Our support worker will be there on the day as support so at least I won’t be alone.
I made a list of all the companies I need to notify. How am I going to manage it all??? All the utilities are in my name. Can I just tell them I’ve moved out and get it changed to my husband’s name without him talking to them? Then there’s the council, phone people, tax people…not to mention the landlord. I haven’t had time to go to CAB to ask about what do I need to legally do with the landlord. The tenancy is in both names and he’s going to continue living there. Do I still need to give official notice in writing? It’s going to be a horrible call because my husband is working with him at the moment. But I know that if I don’t officially notify him it might come to haunt me later because my husband will find a way of making me pay. Do the circumstances, i.e. dv, make any difference in situations like this? There is a reason why I need to leave straight away and not wait a month.
I am trying to stay calm but underneath I am seriously panicking. I know I’m doing the right thing but it still feels so wrong. I found out that the new property doesn’t have any appliances so we’re moving into a property with no fridge/freezer, cooker or a washing machine. I have all that to sort out. My son, bless him, he did say it doesn’t matter, as long as I have my coffee machine we’ll be fine. Bless him. He’s already telling all his friends about it and is so excited.
I am starting to feel scared about being alone as well. At least at the moment there is someone there to talk to when you’re watching TV or something. And I’m going to miss my dog so much. I can’t even think about that because it’s already upsetting me. Oh just realised I won’t even have a TV there to keep my company until I can buy one.
I am starting to realise just how difficult the whole thing is going to be for me emotionally. A part of me still doesn’t want to do it but only because I hate conflict and love an easy life. The other part of me can’t wait and I’m even a little excited about it, and I absolutely know it’s the right thing to do for both of us. That doesn’t even make any sense! If it had been more physical abuse, I could justify it better to myself somehow but because most of it has been emotional and psychological abuse, it somehow still doesn’t feel justifiable enough. That is what he’s going to say for sure. Then on the other hand, I know just how much damage he’s caused my son…and there is my answer. How can I be feeling all these conflicting emotions?
Sorry to ramble. My mind is all over the place at the moment.
9th February 2016 at 3:03 pm #9381
Hiya Doglover – good to hear how you are getting on – you’re doing great – well done.
The way I left was very sudden – I had wanted to get out for many, many years, just never found the courage to do it- then one night all of a sudden I just KNEW I had to go, the day had arrived and I WAS going to do it.
So because I didn’t know I was going to do it until I did it – then it totally took my husband by surprise too….I locked him out of the house – pulled all the curtains and switched off all lights – he hammered on the doors and windows, and yelled and shouted, but by now I knew there was no going back I’d come this far……
Eventually he drove off in the car and hurriedly me and the kids gathered a few personal belongings, in suitcases and black bags, I rang me mam to come for us and 4hrs later we were gone – AT LAST – this was the start of our road to freedom……
So to a certain extent my husband was the same as yours – totally unaware that we were going – we’d come close to leaving on many occasions, but he always promised it would stop, that he would change…..but he never did…. I don’t think he thought I actually WOULD ever leave him…….
So even though your move is planned, and mine wasn’t, its still a shock to the husbands (who think they have done nothing wrong!!!!) – but like me you know its something you have to do for the sanity of your child.
My daughter found out what he’d been doing to me and she became VERY protective of me – and could not stand to look at her father or talk to him in the end…she was a bundle of nerves, at the end of her tether, I just HAD TO get her away from him……
So yes be prepared, your husband will be shocked, angry, and upset and he will try and hurt you in at way he can (eg financially) – but just always remember you are doing this for your sons sanity, and your own, and I know only too well what it’s like being ‘cought in the crossfire’ trying to ‘keep the peace’ between the two of them, its so hard…..
You are doing so well at getting stuff out of the house without raising his suspicions. And its great that you know he will be working the day you have the van booked. And I too had to contend with a nosey interfering neighbour – who was most definitely on HIS side – least you will have your support worker there on the day to help and guide you.
I’m sorry I really don’t know what to advise you about the bills etc – as I didn’t do any of that I just walked away and left him to it – though with hindsight, maybe that was not the best I idea, cos the bills were mostly in my name and so if he had not paid them, the I most likely would have been liable for them????
Maybe others on here can advise you better on that – or ask your support worker, maybe she will help you with that too??
I know you will be starting to panic now, but you know you are doing what’s best for your son and for you. It is scary as you are having to plan it all and do it all in secret. But its for the best, this will be the easiest option.
As for the furniture – well when I moved in here I had nothing either – I have a bed each of us, and 2 futons, a table and chairs and that was is – but I got on to our local Facebook group that sells second hand furniture, and there I got my cooker, fridge freezer, TV, sittingroom unit, nest of tables and chest of drawers – we didn’t have it all right away – but bit-by-bit we got it all in the end.
So long as you have a cooker, and somewhere to sleep you will getby and get all the rest eventually – and you can get some decent second hand items – I could not afford new – but Im happy with what I have, as its all mine and he can’t take it away from me!!!! 🙂
It will feel very scary being alone for the first time in years, BUT it will also feel SO GOOD – GOOD TO BE FREE!!!
Free from the worry and stress you have with him every day.
It will be lonely at times, as teenagers think of themselves, and their wants and needs, so there will be times he is off out doing his own thing, but we just have to udjust to being single again, and it takes time – don’t expect everything to be wonderful ‘overnight’ – it won’t be – but you WILL get there in the end – I promise you!!! 🙂 🙂 🙂
I know just what you mean, I too hate conflict and confrontation – that’s why I stayed with him for so many years, too affraid of the ‘backlash’ to me leaving – but you know, there comes a time when it IS the only way forward……
Sorry got to go for now – but keep on going – you’re doing great – almost there now – your freedom awaits you…..
9th February 2016 at 10:01 am #9371godschildParticipant
Feel so much for you, you are very brave, but can understand the other feelings as well. I have had emotional , verbal abuse for decades and I have disabilites so cant leave, but My grown up Daughter blames me for not leaving so your son will be proud of you an thankyou in years to come. Emotional abuse is very very damaging and mine hit me for the first time a few weeks ago, so it can escalate to physical in time, wishing you peace and calm and that all will go to plan well for you and the nosy neigbour will mind hios own business ! xx
9th February 2016 at 3:49 pm #9382
P.S. Sorry meant to say in my last post above, keep us updated on how things are going, as and when you can. 🙂 🙂 🙂
9th February 2016 at 3:56 pm #9383WanderingCloudParticipant
I think you are being extremely brave and you should remember you are doing all of this for the right reasons. I totally get your anxiety, with both the emotional and practical difficulties you will face. i am not even part way out of my marriage and am going through the same thought process you are, it is difficult and it will be like an emotional roller coaster but this is all to regain your integrity and life back. It will be worth it in the end. Keep staying strong. i am sure some things will work themselves out such as TV’s, white goods. We also have a sell and seek facebook page in my area, you would be so surprised what people want rid of. I think sorting those things wont be quite a priority for you, looking after your emotions will be. There will be you and your son to support each other (plus the occasional coffee to keep your energy levels up!), you have each others love plus the ladies on here to hold your hand. xx
9th February 2016 at 7:05 pm #9393AyannaParticipant
Hi Doglover99, yes, you need to send a recorded letter to your landlord. Otherwise they can force you to pay the rent for your ex-husband whilst you already pay your own rent. It is important that you tell them you suffered from domestic abuse and you had no other choice than doing things the way you did for the safety of yourself and your son. The reason is, normally you have to give notice to the landlord. If they do not know you suffered domestic abuse they can be nasty towards you. I have been through this and I had a hellish time with the landlord. I was too traumatized to think and too stressed with the move.
ALso, read your electricity, gas and water metres. You need to provide last readings when you stop your payments. Just stop your payments, quit all the companies and start afresh in your own place. The ex-husband has to restart his own contract. That is the best way to do it. He will survive it. Make sure you send everything in writing with registered letters. Otherwise these energy providers can also give you trouble. I have had nothing but trouble, that’s why I give you that advice.
You can send the letters and stop all the energy providers and the rent payments as soon as you know that you move. That way you have this out of your way when you are busy with the actual move.
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