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You hear everyone complaining about being in lockdown and self isolation and how they can’t socialise or see anybody and you then realise lockdown is actually no different to how I live my life each & every day and have done for past number of years!
I don’t get to really see or chat to anyone. I’ve list all my friends thanks to my abuser over time. I’m not allowed on social media and I get a trip to the shop once a day. Isolation is what I’m used to and this epidemic has made me realise what type of life I lead being with my partner. I feel even more lonely now that I’ve realised that. I knew that was how my life was but tried to ignore it, now it’s plain as day to me! All because I fell in love with an emotional abuser. Totally gutted right now
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Hello @Heartbrokenwoman, yes the realisation when it hits us is beyond anything ive ever known or felt. It was one of my darkest periods in my life, worse I think than actually living with the abuse. To know that this man chose to treat me this way, I still can’t get my head around it, don’t think I ever will but it doesn’t make any difference now. I’m out, don’t care what he thinks. It’s definitely been an eye opener, done some deep deep soul searching. Know this, you’re no longer alone, you’ve got us💞💞
IWMB -
Oh my, don’t be gutted!! Be glad that you see what you see! When you’re paralyzed, looking down all the time, don’t even realize that you are in a burning house then you can never get out!! It’s a blessing! Prisons are made to be busted out of! I just consider myself smacked at times like that and it wakes me UP, makes me shake, rattle and roll! Gets my juices going. Then if I don’t like what I see, I know I have to do something about because no one else will. Afterall, it is MY Will that gets it done! And there’s a difference in being lonely and alone. I have a great website for you, it’s called Lonerwolf.com Lovely lovely people, brilliant souls. So much good reading there. I found out so much about myself there.
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thankyou @braelynn I must look that site up. Never heard of it before.
Yes I want out. I want out! I’m so unhappy living in this bubble. I’m not even really living at all when I think of it & neither are my children. I wish it was possible to go back in time and never have seen him! I wish my kids dad was someone else! I no longer remember the lucky go girl I used to be… I’m a shadow of who I was, who he fell for because of his abuse and the isolation I’ve been put under. I feel like a withered flower! I’d run for the hills if I could just gather the courage. I’m afraid of what I’ve to deal with when I leave with becoming a single mother with two toddlers no money and then the backlash from him, he’ll blackmail me, tell people I’m an unfit mother etc he’d most likely get social services involved. All I want is peace & happiness and find the person I used to be. I want to be able to freely say hello to people and stop and chat good I wish. I’d like to be able to join social media and reconnect with others I’ve missed throughout the years. I’d like to be able to do stuff in my own house without being criticised and told to stop what I’m doing. I’d like to be a happy mother rather than one who is constantly put down and belittled and told I’m doing everything wrong “you should do it this way and listen to me” is what I’m told day in day out. Every day is just a blur to me now. If I didn’t have my kids I’d have ended my life by now. I’m unable to take the control and manipulation anymore. I feel like a caged animal that’s constantly scolded. I don’t feel like a 30 something year old woman who is in control of her life. He dictates everything and if I don’t follow or put up a fight I’m gas lighted and walls put up around me by him refusing to speak or acknowledge me. I wish I’d never ever met him! And what’s so annoying is that I know too many people think he’s a great lad no one would believe what I actually go through -
Keep posting, keep educating yourself, keep reaching out. He’s not the master of you, you are, you’re the only one who knows what is best for you, period. One day you will be free of him, you’ll be in your own place with your babies, you’ll BE that happy go lucky girl you once were. Confide in your doctor, health visitor, contact women’s aid. Even if social services get involved it’ll be because of his behaviour not that you’re a bad mum. Those are his words in your head. By leaving him you’ll be doing what all mums do fir their children, anything to protect them. Learn about trauma bonding, the FOG of abuse (fear obligation and guilt) the cycle of abuse. It’s a merry go round and you want off. Learn arbor triangulation, gaslighting, learn what makes you tick, what your boundaries are, what behaviour you expect in a relationship. This is a road we’d never choose, there’s a huge amount of soul searching but first things first is getting free of his abuse. Knowing he deliberately chooses to act this way and that he’ll never change. Once you really stand up to him(by that I mean leaving him) your confidence and self belief will grow again.
Stay strong. Learn the grey rock method. We do what we do to survive, even if that means agreeing or doing things we don’t want to. You are in a warzone, surviving his attacks daily, hourly even. You can get through this. Look up what living with abuse does to our children, the future them. Protect them, protect you, get as far away as you can, when you can. This is your journey, your way of doing it, doing what’s right for you.
Best wishes and keep posting. This forum, the wonderful ladies on here were my saviours, who helped me on every step I took away from my husband. I was with him for over 2 decades, couldn’t face the possibility of 2 more. If I can do it anyone can.
IWMB 💞💞 -
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I remember when we had fights because we were drinking….we were on a (detail removed by moderator) boat and he allowed a guy to openly ogle me. That was fine until another fella got rid of him. We had a fight after, I’m not sure why but I was very drunk too. He said something horrible to me so I left and went to the toilet where I threw up from upset etc. I passed out in the toilet. I got up about (detail removed by moderator) later and went to the cabin. He assumed I had been with someone for those hours. he called me a s**t and a w***e over and over again. We were in the (detail removed by moderator) at the time and I had no one to go to, only security in the front desk which I did. I complained about him and he was sent to another cabin.
What did I do? Took him back. He said I was also at fault because I passed out drunk in the toilet, he was worried about me, forgetting conveniently that that was where I felt safe. I felt safe there.
I was the other side of the world, I had nowhere else to go.
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