Viewing 13 reply threads
  • Author
    • #7552
      mixed-up mum

      Phone rings tonight and its HIM – he has now suddenly decided he wants to come with us to parents night!!!!

      He has not shown any interest in our sons education in the (detail removed by Moderator) years he has been at Secondary school, nor in his last (detail removed by Moderator) years at Primary school.

      Neither my son nor me want him there – but we know if we don’t let him come then he will be hell mad at us and awkward as a pig with us – there will be hell to pay if we don’t let him come!!!

      In the early days of Primary School he used to come but he was SO embarrassing – he would chip in to the conversation with things that were totally irrevent to what was being discussed at the time – he has learning difficulties and he just did not seem to understand what we were talking about, and keep up with what was being discussed.

      WHY NOW – after missing (detail removed by Moderator) years – why now all of a sudden does he wants to come – he even said we could all go in one car!!!!

      Now we have a reasonably civil relationship – but no way would I get in a car with him!!!!

      He totally took me by surprise – I didn’t know what to say to him – he caught me off guard!!!
      I was so shocked and stunned!!!

    • #7568
      mixed-up mum

      I’m just a bit disappointed in myself, that X years down the line I STILL can’t say NO to him – WHY did I not just say to him well actually I’d rather you didn’t come with us – make your own appointments.

      He seems to think that just because I’m OK to talk to him that it’s OK for us to attend parents night together – he seems to think this is a perfectly reasonable request- but I would feel extremely uncomfortable being seen with him at parents night like we were still a couple.
      What would people think!! If I was comfortable with this there would be no problem, but I am not at all happy with this arrangement.

      X years down the line and he STILL controlls us – I still can’t stand up to him – we are no longer together – we live in separate houses – and yet STILL I’m scared of his moods.

      It’s just always been the way – we do what he wants to keep the peace and save us from his awkwad moods and ‘temper tantrums’ oh it makes me sad that he STILL Has such a hold over us – and can still control us – albeit from a distance now.

      Mind you its not JUST him I can’t say no to – I’m generally a ‘submissive’ person – I don’t like fights, arguments and tension – I’m a people pleaser – I like to keep people happy and not cause any ‘friction’.

      Im still so affraid to say no to him……..

    • #7575

      Would the school see him separately? When I was the other side of the desk, I did have some kids where I had two appointments – one for Mum, the other with Dad. Just wondering whether that would give you a softer way of saying no.

      • #7591
        mixed-up mum

        Hi Foggy – thank you for that suggestion, and yes that would be an option, BUT Parents Night is tomorrow night and we would each need to have separate appointments with each of his teachers for each of his subjects, and at this late date that may not be possible, as all appointments may already be taken up.

        PLUS the fact that if we do it this way he will know that I have requested it – and I don’t want to be the one who tells him this!!!!

        NOBODY understands the fear I have of saying no to that man – X years down the line that fear is still there – its just instilled in me that I must do as he says and do what he wants – unless you’ve live this life like we have (friends and family have no idea how it feels) the feeling of sheer panic at the thought of not doing what HE wants – it terrifies me……..

      • #7714

        I wish this forum would notify replies, but hey! I’m with you on the not saying no part. I’m facing that myself right now, and I’m on so much anxiety meds because the idea of not agreeing with him, even in front of a skilled mediator who is aware of the situation, is giving me horrendous panic attacks.

        I’m early in this process, but the things I have to say no about will deeply affect our daughter if he gets his way, so I feel like I have no choice. I’m hoping that it’s like a muscle – the first time I do it, it feels like this. But each time I do it, I’m hoping it will get easier.

        I don’t know your situation – mine is never a physical threat so I know it’s safe to say no when he’s being a bully.

      • #7837

        They would still see him anyway even on another date if he phoned to arrange it. They are usually quite good like that!

    • #7576
      White Rose

      If he’s had no contact with school side for (detail removed by Moderator) years why now?
      Is it just a meeting e.g. options or feedback?
      If it’s just an info meeting
      get there and sit where he csnt sit next to you.
      If its feedback on progress meeting then there are ways round it. Do school know your situation? If not let them know. I’ve just done my 3rd parents evening with totally separate appointments for me and him with each teacher, all done with schools blessing once they knew the circumstances and all the teachers made sure the appointments weren’t too close together. The two parents neetings before that he didnt even go. Didn’t even see him. In fact I don’t know if he even went!
      If your son not brave enough to ask staff get in touch with head of year or tutor or pastoral support lead or even school office. You won’t be the only one in this situation.
      It’s worth a try.
      If your son doesn’t want him there then does that give you strenght to say no?
      Good luck x

      • #7592
        mixed-up mum

        Hi White Rose – thank you for reading my post and for taking the time to reply to me.

        I would say this has been instigated by some members of his nasty family – he would not think this up on his own!!!
        So they have said to him ” he is your son too, you have every right to be there too, you have as much right as she does to be there ”

        Which is true enough – BUT he has left me with very little choice but go through with it, now at this late date – if he had said in advance “I want to be there too” then the school could have made other arrangements – but to say this almost 24hrs before the meeting then what else can I do….

        The school know my situation, yes, but at this late date, they are limited as to what they can now do to help me.

        I have emailed the school very late on last night before I went to bed – and his guidance teacher has just rung me back, and basically said their hands are tied – they can do nothing until HE actually rings up the school and REQUESTS appointments.

        So they have basically said that it’s ME who has to tell him he can’t come with us – well the school cannot begin to understand how hard that would be for me to do that – they just DON’T know what it feels like to have lived with a controlling abusive man for half of my life – and old habbits die hard – I find it impossible to say no to him – thats how I spent half my life living in an abusive marriage….

    • #7584

      HI Hun

      Yes thats weird how after (detail removed by Moderator) years his sudden shown intrest, when i left my ex and he said he wanted to turn up to parents eve i was like u oh god, why now when never before, my son was like too oh no, dont agree to sitting in car togehter, i would just say if u want to go u can go but im not sure of times im avaiable so we can see teachers at times that suit us alone, my kids school were aware we had seperated so when he turn up at same time teacher just kept mutual and brief us both, again they want to show the world u two r togehter and one front but your not, just another ego boost, one teacher actually said infront of us , oh yes have note u too not together, never seen his mile disappear so fast and move to next table, my ex spent whole eve phoning his family and friends at meeting oh cant chat am with ms at parents eve, even phone my parents to make it look like we were getting bk together, im sure this is your ex focus too, making himeself look good

      • #7595
        mixed-up mum

        Hi Confused 123 – thank you for reading my post and for taking the time to reply.

        He has NEVER shown any interest in their school lives – I went to all school meetings, parents nights and school concerts on my own – it was me who helped him with homework, me who filled in any forms, me who rang the school when there was any problems or worries – and now in my sons last few months of school he suddenly decides to step up and take an interest, and actually BE A DAD!!!!

        Who knows what goes on in their minds – its taken him until now to want to be a part of our sons education!!!

        I’m incredibly nervous at the thought of having to say to him he can’t come with us – but at the same time it would be incredibly uncomfortable having to walk around the school together ‘ like one big happy family’ when HE KNOWS that’s not true!!!

        If my son actually WANTED his father to be there I could maybe put up with this situation, for the sake of my son – but he does not want his father to be there either – but it would not be right of me to ‘take the easy option’ and ask my son to tell his father we don’t want him there.

        He would not believe my son anyway, and he would assume that it was ME who had made him say this – when in fact I did not – it was entirely his own choice.

        If he had given me and the school some advanced warning that he wanted to be there, then other arrangements could have been put in place – but to ‘spring’ this on us at such a late date, leaves us with very little choice in the matter…

        I know this is just all part of a big show to make him out to be such a good dad …..well its a bit late now for that!!!!

    • #7597

      They are all the same!

      My ex never, ever wanted to attend parents evenings, took no interest in the kids’ homework and was deliberately sabotaging of their grades.

      When Cafcass became involved, he suddenly pretended he was interested in attending parents’ evening, and tried to say I hadn’t told him when it was ( hadn’t he heard of phoning the school? I had a non-mol against him at the time!).

      Well, the school added him to their system, told him when the next meeting was- and he has never attended even now. It was all a game.

      Your ex may not even turn up this time. He may be just trying to cause you fear and unrest. If he does, avoid eye contact and make sure that next time he is made aware that you need to go at separate times.

      You can inform the school of this plan of action for the future X

      • #7664
        mixed-up mum

        Hi Serenity – thank for your message and sorry it has taken me so long to get back to you.

        Well I didn’t hear back from the school yesterday, and my ex did not ring me last night and I did not ring him either – so I have no idea of what is actually going to happen tonight….

        My son and me just don’t want him there tonight, how can he suddenly decide after not attending a parents night in years to suddenly fly in like ‘Super Dad’!!!!

        He’s not doing this because he genuinely cares and is interested – no – he’s doing this to annoy me and to make himself look good as a parent at the same time.

        When I have asked him for back-up and support in the past he has chosen to do nothing, preferring to be a ‘friend’ to our son – rather than a FATHER to him.
        I have asked on a few occasions that he talks to our son re his behaviour/attitude/language and his bedtime -ie getting off of Xbox at a reasonable hour and getting some sleep.
        But he said he “didn’t want to fall out with him” – so instead of stepping up to support me and be a real parent, he decided to say and do nothing!!
        So then I’m left to deal with it on my own – which makes ME look like the ‘bad parent’ who nags him to do things – and all I get in return is him talking-back to me giving me ‘attitude’ all the time and refusing to do what I ask.
        I’m sick and tired of the total lack of respect my son has for me (and indeed his sister too) the way he talks to us – he can hardly say a civil word to us.

        So in the one instance I am a single parent, having to try and discipline him by my self, with no back-up or support from his father, and then all of a sudden (when it suits HIM) he decides he wants to take an active role as a parent and go to parents night!!!

        Well that’s the thing – when you are a parent its a full time job – 24/7 – you can’t just decide to pick and choose when you want to be a parent!!!!

        It’s always the same the resident parent gets all the work to do – all the cooking, washing, tidying up after them and all the discipline to do – while the absent parent gets to see them once a week for a few hours and go out for tea or to the Pics – the absent parent does not have to deal with the attitude and lack of respect – he does not talk to hid father like he talks to me!!!

        Sorry to go on about this – but I’m just so worried and wound up about the whole thing.

        I just wish I knew where I stand – is he going to be there tonight or not, and has the school actually spoken to him and told him he can’t attend with us.

        It should be school policy that separated parents do not attended parents night together – UNLESS it is specifically requested that they WANT TO attend together.
        This should be made quite clear when a couple separate – and especially so in cases of DA/DV.
        I should not have to sit there in his company unless I have chosen to do so, and I am comfortable with the situation.

        The emphasis should be on the school to deal with this situation should it arise – and I should not be made to look like I am being unfair to him by not wanting him to attend.

        So I await to hear from the school or him as to what is taking place tonight, for the moment there is nothing I can do – must go to work now – but thank you all for your kind words of support and your advice.


    • #7687
      White Rose

      I hope it goes Ok tonight for your son and his school feedback and also with his dad (if he turns up).
      I’m actually having butterfies for you as the scenario is so familiar, even though it’s sorted for us I still feel sick during the session just in case I might see him in a corridor if an appointment has run late! Don’t be afraid of telling school the reality – it made such a different to their attitude to us once we had.

      • #7692
        mixed-up mum

        Hi Serenity and White Rose – just a very quick one as I’m about to go in the shower ( if I look smart I feel better about myself and feel more confident) got to be there in 2hrs.

        I really don’t know what is going on – as he has not rung back to see what time the first appointment is – so he does not know what time to be there for.
        As far as I know the school has not made contact with him either – so who knows if he will show up or not!!!
        I feel if I ring him to tell him the time that will look as if I’m OK with it all – and I’m NOT!!! And yet when he phoned on Mon night ( and took me by surprise) I was so shocked by his announcement that I said I’d find out the time and ring him back. So if I don’t ring him back he will then accuse me of trying to keep him away by NOT telling him the time – so whatever I do I’m wrong!!!

        I have told the school the full story and they know it all – but I feel they are not all that supportive, they seem not to know how to deal with the situation… like its never happened before!!!

        I feel they need to be a bit more sensitive in situations like ours – they are just going to sit back and let it happen tonight – I feel quite unprotected by the school.

        Right got to go – wish me luck!!!!!

    • #7695
      mixed-up mum

      There’s a million butterflies in my stomach – and my heart is racing – but I’ve decided I have to ring him and tell him the time – I don’t want to give him the satisfaction of being able to say it was ME who stopped him from going – maybe that’s what he wanted all along – me to kick up a fuss and STOP him going – well I won’t have him say that!!!

      Getting my son to ring his dad – I’m too scared to talk to him….ahhhhhhh!!!!!

    • #7696
      mixed-up mum

      So …..guess what – he’s NOT COMING!!!!

      After all that worry and stress – my son rang up his dad – told him the time – and he’s says to our son – “do you want me to come” – to which he replied, no not really, its a bit awkward – and so hes now not going after all – wonder if he DID ever intended to go!!!

      Anyway RESULT!!!!! We can now go on our own!!!!

      Only thing I have to worry about now is what the teachers will say – and if his report was anything to go by – it won’t be good!!!!

      Oh the joys of being a mother eh!!!!!

    • #7699

      I knew it!!! They like to create fear: they don’t like putting in actual physical effort! X

      • #7722
        mixed-up mum

        Here’s me up half the night again – can’t sleep – too much going on in my mind – I am tired but just can’t switch off….

        Parents Night was not good – don’t think he is going to be sitting any exams – he does have Dyslexia, which does not help things – but he is just ‘cruising’ – doing as little as he possibly can – to JUST get by.
        His report was issued weeks ago, and he hid it from me – with Christmas, and then my dad passed away, it totally went out of my head – until this week and I said to him about it and he did eventually produce it – I had no idea things were so bad until I saw it – I wish the school had raised the matter with me long before now. I just don’t think we can rescue anything now at this late date…
        I didn’t really understand the new system (detail removed by moderator) Oh dear its not looking good for his future.
        He wants to leave school now and I think the school are doing nothing to encourage him to work harder and stay on…..but at the end of the day it’s HIS decision – I can try and the school can try – but unless HE is willing to put in the work, then no one can make him…..

        What he lacks is a good male role model in his life……..his father is no example,he left school ar 16 with no qualifications to his name, I have no brother, and his father’s family are all 100s of miles away (but I wouldn’t ask them anyway – they are not a good influenced!!) I have no male friends – so what he lacks is someone to ‘take him under their wing’ and just give him some moral guidance – show him the right path in life – I obviously can’t rely on his father for that……

    • #7746
      White Rose

      Sorry to hear this but glad you didn’t get the added stress of his dad sitting there too.
      Just remember your son has you and mums are great!
      OK so he’s dyslexic, maybe he’ll struggle with some subjects but I bet he has strengths too. The school can help support him to find them and they have a duty to provide him with an education and to support him, just as you have to do your bit to get him to school.
      Can you get an appointment with the SENCO and also the careers advisor so you can both go and discuss his options?
      Thinking of you

      • #7930
        mixed-up mum

        Hi Ehite Rosrb- Sorry don’t know what SENCO is can you tell me more please????

        He has an appointment with the careers advisor today but think he has already decided he is leaving……had enough of school….

    • #7931

      A SENCo is a Special Needs coordinator and the person responsible in a school for any pupil with a learning need. They HAVE to come up with strategies to support your child with learning. I would phone and have a face to face meeting about your concerns. Write down all the things you want to discuss first so you remember everything. If your son has been screened as dyslexic then they should be able to help with exam dispensation. They should also be aware that your son has suffered/witnessed abuse as this affects emotional ability to learn.

      I hope this helps.

      Good luck x x

    • #7939

      Hey Hun

      like katie love said is person who is trained to offer your child support , ask the school if your senco worker can support your child,, hope all goes well today at appointment

    • #7943
      mixed-up mum

      Hi ladies – well our school has a ” Learning Support department”, and he does have a learning support assistant in SOME classes BUT he is do reluctant to ask for AND accept any help.

      He does not want to look like he is ‘different’ or stupid and can’t do it, so he does not and will not ask for help.
      He won’t even try as he’s scared of failing – but then he’s not the only one – I’m the same I’m affraid – rather not try than try and fail….. I can’t take the embarrassment of failure……..

      He only has a few months left now and so little that can be done now….there were never any ‘strategies’ put in place for him and his learning – basically – he was just left to get on as best he could – but then that was what he wanted ‘invisible support’ so as not to stand out from the rest……

      I do kind of feel the school have let him down…..

      I have spoken with his Guidance Teacher, but he seems not to be worried, and is encouraging my son to leave school soon as possible.

      He would get help IN exams IF he were sitting any – but he’s not….

      The school are aware of my marital history – but nothing was ever said re this affecting his ability to learn……

Viewing 13 reply threads
  • You must be logged in to reply to this topic.

© 2024 Women's Aid Federation of England – Women’s Aid is a company limited by guarantee registered in England No: 3171880.

Women’s Aid is a registered charity in England No. 1054154

Terms & conditionsPrivacy & cookie policySite mapProtect yourself onlineMedia │ JobsAccessibility Guide

Log in with your credentials


Forgot your details?

Create Account

Skip to content