Young children and child arrangements

[Bambe]

Hi everyone 💖
We’re getting out and it’s time for decisions to be made on child arrangements. We have 3 young young children and I have no idea what to suggest for the best. I know it’s not solely my decision and what I suggest may not even happen but I wondered if anyone has any advice on what they thought was best when it comes to child arrangements? (detail removed by Moderator) I know he’ll say I’ve kept the kids away from him (only as and when it’s best for them too, to keep the children protected, otherwise I truly believe I try my best for our children and their father to have a healthy/positive relationship)

I know it’s hard to give much detail on here but I’ve cared for them all since day 1. I bathe, feed, school run, days out, bedtime from when they wake to them sleeping I am their security and carer, and dad finically supports. They all suffer with separation anxiety. At the minute they all sleep in my bed- as tensions at home are high. Recently my eldest who is still significantly young has mentioned daddy being mean and she at times refuses to interact with him- he doesn’t give them much of his time only says bye, love you and how was your day, wont play or get involved. He’s more interested in getting me back/ playing with my emotions rather than them. But now I’m getting out he has shifted more attention onto the kids causing them to be confused/ emotions high. He tends to manipulate the oldest to feel sorry for him. And she is feeling it bless her. She wont allow him to take her to school asks that ‘don’t let him, make sure you get me mummy, tell him no’. I understand the child shouldn’t always decide but when I see what she is living and her anxiety I’m not willing to make her any more uncomfortable.

(detail removed by Moderator)

Has anyone got young children and have arrangements in place that they think work well? I just hope to keep them protected and not turn their world upside down.

I had in mind one evening for a couple hours through the week & one day over the weekend. No nights until they are older.

Any suggestions would be hugely appreciated.. sorry for the long post & I hope it makes sense😂

Thank you for reading xxxxxx

[Footballfan1]

Hi Bambe,

Do you have any support in place?
Domestic abuse worker etc?
Do you qualify for legal aid?
If so, you could apply for a child arrangement order for free.

I’m not going to be much use I’m sorry, I found it impossible to coparent with an abuser.
I had to go 0 contact with ex.

It is early days yet, but I fear your partner is showing the same behaviours.

Like you said, he never used to put in much time or effort, but now he knows he is losing you, his efforts have shifted onto the children.
This has alarmed and triggered them.
He is making the eldest feel guilty, this is another tactic and it is emotional abuse.

If you have any authorities you can rely on, you can report these behaviours.
It is worth mentioning.

Once you and the children leave, the following tactics are usually used-
*threats to permanently keep children.
*changing times, days plans of contact, so that you never know what is agreed and in place.
*turning up unexpectedly demanding access to the children.
*dropping out of plans to have the children so that you have no childcare and have to cancel your plans.
*lies to the children, your mum is this and that, your mum did this to me, etc.
*interrogating the children, who does your mum let in the house, does your mum see any men, where do you all go etc.
*Undermining your rules, for example, if bedtime is 8pm, he will make them go to bed earlier or later to upset their routine.
*stalking and harassment often starts at this point.

If you can access the dominator book, the chapters about bad father and persuader are really good at explaining these tactics.
I don’t mean to alarm or frighten you, I hope I don’t.
I feel like you have the right to be aware and clued up on worst case scenario.

I wish somebody forewarned me.
My children are traumatised by their dad’s contact now.
Xx

[Bambe]

Thanks footballfan1. All the above tactics is what I expect and I wouldn’t be shocked if they happened. I’ve experienced stalking & harassment over the (detail removed by Moderator), so things are escalating but I have reported this.
I also have a case worker who I express any concern too and have been into my children’s schools/nurseries to raise any concern and to make them aware what position we are all in. I receive legal aid. When I speak with solicitors I will state my concerns I have as you say you have to be prepared & I need to know I did everything I can to help them.
I really hope you and your children have healed from the abuse you received and hope you all received the support you need. It’s dreadful that they could harm such innocent minds.
I appreciate your honesty so please don’t feel you’ve said anything you shouldn’t.

I’ll defo purchase the book. I’m listening to podcasts to help guide me which worries me in case my children’s needs/worries aren’t heard.

Did you struggle getting the 0 contact and is that for you? Or children too? Hope you don’t mind me asking.

Thank you for you reply x*x

[Footballfan1]

Hi Bambe,

You have put good measures in place already, well done on being so proactive.
The stalking / harassment is so common when they realise they have lost control.
Keep reporting everything, what might not appear important to you, builds up a picture of his nature.

The 0 contact is for me and the children.
I got a non-molestation order for myself, then police and courts helped me with the children’s side of things.
Talk to your solicitor about your fears, tell them about the stalking and harassment.
They can look into options.

Once you have left, what you are entitled to do is refuse him access to the children on the basis of safety.
He then has to take you to court to get access.
This would cost him money, but you have legal aid therefore won’t incur costs.
You can refuse him contact in the meantime, before the judge decides.

Having legal aid is very helpful.
Do you know if your solicitor is trained in domestic Abuse?
This is also very useful if they are xx

[Marmalade]

Bambe,
The child arrangements that you agree/are ordered will be tailored to what is best for your children, meet their needs and takes account of the background. So it will be individual to your family. Everyone on this site will have different arrangements that suit/have been ordered specifically for them.
There are general principles
Starting point is for both parents to see a lot of the children eg a number of ladies have 50/50. Also generally age of children is not a bar in itself to overnight visits (there may be other reasons why overnight doesn’t happen, but it is not a bar on young age alone) . Some court ordered overnight contact is immediate overnight, some is gradual over weeks/months starting few hours, building to a day, moving to overnight. Overnight can depend on a number of matters including accommodation, sleeping arrangements etc.
Those are starting points but your arrangement may be different depending on what you agree.
I would suggest you get some legal advice on your position. Some solicitors will offer a free 30 minute consultation. Maybe find a family law solicitor who can give you an idea of what a court might order in your particular case. Write down any points you wish to ask about in advance.
Good luck.

[Bambe]

Hi marmalade

Thank you for your response. I didn’t think it was a simple question to ask, as you say everyone story is different. I will seek legal advice on the matter.

Thanks again x x

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