Young, Confused and Suffering

[Fizzypop]

Hi all,
If I’m honest I’m not sure if I belong here, my friends and family have been worried about me and my relationship (detail removed by moderator) now. But is it love or is it abuse?
Me and my boyfriend met when I was young (I was in my (detail removed by moderator) there is a noticeable age gap between us of (detail removed by moderator). We have been together for (detail removed by moderator) now.
Problems came to the surface when I was friends with a girl he didn’t like, he accused me of lying to him (detail removed by moderator)- to me this was reasonable. He called me every name under the sun, threatened me and my family, said (detail removed by moderator) and over all made me feel really low – to the point I reached for help as I became suicidal. I called him hundreds of times a day, text him and left countless voicemails begging him to come back to me. I apologised every minute of the day because I felt utterly awful for hiding my friendship, the reason I hid it was because I couldn’t see why he didn’t like her and I really got on with her. My friends didn’t recognise me from loss of weight and the shell I had buried myself into. The next (detail removed  by moderator) we’re a blur.
We somehow got back together and everything was fine but noticed (detail removed by moderator) we would have the same arguments about the same things; I was looking at someone, I’ve cheated, I’m a liar etc. in the end the above situation happened again with the name calling etc. this again, had me reaching out for counselling for suicidal thoughts. A few months went by and I still couldn’t let go, I knew he had moved on but I still felt this need to reach to him for comfort. The final straw was me seeing him with another young woman, this is when it snapped and I said enough is enough. And for the (detail removed by moderator) after I started to feel better, see my friends, speak to a boy – eventually, and feel less stressed. Then my ex called me reaching out telling me he missed me, he needed me and he’d made a mistake, he also told me (detail removed by moderator). I would never forgive myself if anyone had reached out to me and then something awful happened. So I helped him, we started talking again and going for walks and it was nice, different. He made comments about me seeing the other boy – it wasn’t serious (detail removed by moderator), and thought it wasn’t fair for me to be in touch with my ex and still speak to him so I told him the truth and we stopped speaking.
My ex was heartbroken over his ex, he told me how vile she was to him, how she’d called the police etc to get him into trouble and I believed him. We soon fell back into a relationship, I was apprehensive and wanted to take things slow, he bought me expensive gifts to show how sorry he was which was lovely but also made me feel bad as I couldn’t afford to return the favour but tried doing small things for him to show how much I cared and loved him.
(detail removed by moderator) I continue to see my friends (rarely due to busy lifestyles) but always try and spend time with them. The last couple of times he has gone in a mood and got nasty with me for seeing them – even though I’ve invited him. He would moan that I wasn’t home on time, that I don’t contact him enough, that I change when I’m with them, I honestly believe that I don’t change and call and text him more than enough with updates of where I am, who I’m with and as of recently share my location with him. He called me names whilst I was out with my friends and has ignored me (detail removed by moderator), I’m not blocked and have tried calling and texting and leaving voicemails to try and understand what is going on. He has told me it’s over but then insinuated I was (detail removed by moderator) when I didn’t message or call him for a day/night. I can feel myself falling back into the dark hole like before but feel the need to assure him how much I love and care for him.
I would really appreciate advice from others as of what to do, is this abuse or is it just me being dramatic? I’ve been to counselling (detail renoved by moderator), journaled, wrote affirmations and nothing seems to be controlling the urge to reach out, I’ve tried blocking him but know his number off by heart. Is it me? Am I toxic? Please please help with any advice I’d really appreciate it x

[KIP.]

This man is extremely abusive and dangerous. Google trauma bonding. Read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. So many red flags here. Please ring the national domestic abuse helpline and talk to someone there. You are not toxic, he is. Nothing you do for him will ever be enough. Abusers simply move the goal posts time and time again leaving us confused and spinning. Concentrate on his behaviour. Write a journal. He’s going to blame you for everything.

[KIP.]

You very much belong here where others who have experienced similar abuse can validate and guide you to safety. Welcome 💕

[Fizzypop]

Hi KIP,
Thankyou so much for reaching out, taking time and offering me advice.
I feel I’m still in a stage of denial and confusion. As much as I try I can’t get my head round why this is happening when I feel all I’ve done is love someone whole heartedly. I don’t know how this happened and why, but feel that it is partly my fault. I’ve tried journaling and enjoy reading so will defo look into the book you suggested, I think I’ll feel shock that his behaviour has been abuse and naive that I haven’t noticed it sooner, mainly because he makes me feel I’m in the wrong and could do more to make him trust me and my actions or for me to make him feel more loved? Im not sure. Im exhausted, does he know he is abusive and understands what he makes me feel like? I have told him about certain elements such as counselling but because he’s said I’m dramatic in the past I feel I shouldn’t reach for help because I question myself, is this normal? x

[KIP.]

Your feelings describe exactly what it’s like being in an abuse relationship. Gaslighting, lies, manipulating, mind games are all part of their tool set. Leaving us feeling crazy. We get stuck in a FOG of Fear Obligation and Guilt. They are expert. They know exactly what they do and how it makes us feel. I was totally shocked and beyond devastated when I admitted to myself that he was deliberately harming me. It’s someone we love and trust but they don’t love us. They love the power and control. Abuse always gets worse and our mental health plummets. Keep that journal of his behaviour. Stop looking at your own behaviour and keep that spotlight firmly on his and talk to your local women’s aid. Remember you’re a good kind person but do not make the mistake of thinking he has the same moral compass as you. He doesn’t have empathy or sympathy or a moral compass. Not even on the same planet. He chooses to deliberately abuse you. Abuse is insidious, none of us saw it coming. It’s like the frog that goes into a pan of warm water and then the heat goes slowly up till it’s boiling. You don’t notice it until you’re hooked in. Google the power and control wheel. Cognitive dissonance. The cycle of abuse. Be very kind to yourself it’s a real shock to the system x keep reading other posts too. You’re not alone.

[Author]

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