Young daughter threatens, kicks and hits me

[Anonymous]

This will probably come out as a ramble. My daughter is aggressive towards me and slightly older son with no provocation. I can’t write the things she says in case it identifies but they are of the worst kind of threats to make. She refuses to do as I ask e.g. have a shower, go to bed, get dressed abd these requests trigger her aggression also. There are other behavioural issues. Her behaviour is more frequent and escalating. There is a contact order allowing lots of contact, been in place for significant time. Any support I seek directly involving the children will come to their dads attention (Children will tell him abd I think health treatment would gave to be communicated to him) and he will get involved and manipulate/lie/control/coerce. There is no way to prove a direct link with him. Being separated from me from being very little (Due to contact) I feels underlies this and makes her vulnerable. I feel helpless and don’t know what to do. School have some background but she’s not aggressive there. Her behaviour is starting to damage our relationship Which is the worst thing for my daughter and my son has to witness his mum in tears because I’m finding it harder to hide my feelings. He is taking on the role of trying to comfort me which isn’t fair on him. I appreciate this is a really difficult complex situation and I’m just posting just in case anyone has any ideas or has been through this and can advise.

[Cantmakedecisons]

Hi Livinginhope.

Well done for posting, it’s hard to do that and acknowledge what’s been happening. I can see by your post that things are very difficult. Have you asked your GP for help or any other agencies? I know mental health care is very difficult to access but still worth a go. I’m not sure the age of your daughter but if she’s puberty age this will definitely have an impact on her behaviour.
When my daughter was 12/13 she was awful, very aggressive and volatile. On one oaccasion she pulled a knife on me because I sent her to her room for being rude. She was constantly moody and would make terrible threats towards me and threats to harm herself. In the end I got her some counselling which really helped.
Looking back it was an awful time and so stressful but it didn’t last and I’m so proud of the person she is now. The kindest and most thoughtful young women. I think my case her fathers behaviour impacted on what she thought was ok and not ok, combined with the stress of living with violence.

[Anonymous]

Thank you for your kind reply. My daughter is nowhere near puberty yet. It’s good to hear that there was a positive outcome for your daughter. I just can’t see a way forward at the moment but I’ll keep reaching out to wherever I can for ideas and advice.

[Scarecrow]

Hi Livinghope,

I can’t imagine how hard this must be for you. I second what Cantmakedecisions has said about talking to the GP for some help for your daughter and maybe even you. I don’t want to ask a personal question but is it possible that she witnessed this kind of behaviour directed at you by her Dad? It doesn’t excuse it but she may be copying what she has witnessed. It might not even be anything to do with that and i am by no means a health professional. I would definitely try and look after yourself as well – however you can. There will be a way forward, it just might take a little while to show itself. Don’t give up – you will get there.

Hugs

Scarecrow.

[Anonymous]

Hi Scarecrow

Thank you for your thoughts. Her dad was not physically abusive but intimidating and controlling. She will have witnessed this behaviour and also after he moved out he blamed me and said I had stopped loving him and that’s why we weren’t living as a family anymore.i think she senses my anxiety and stress as he continues to try and be controlling through contact arrangements. I am trying to address this but it’s not easy. I know I can’t give up but I’m worried for her and for our future. Thank you again for taking time to think about us.

[diymum@1]

you could try barnardos they have services to help with this. My daughters behaviour escalated when her dad left our home. They see their fathers as role models and they imitate. Ive done alot of research on this and the problem is rife. kids who witness domestic abuse whether its emotional or manipulative behavior they can sometimes become abit mixed up in their thinking. they think its ok which is a worry. you definitely need expert help with this. My relationship crumbled with my eldest i had no where to turn at the time my youngest however i had to stop contact with her and dad. abusive men do intentionally alienate our kids against us its the sting in the tail of domestic abuse xx

[anotherlife]

Hi Livinginhope,
I could almost have written your post myself. I’ve been thinking of writing a post but keep feeling such despair. My daughter has always been strong willed & difficult, but still loving. Same here, won’t do a thing I say, won’t shower, go anywhere apart from school, my life is so limited now. My son’s older & sees their dad still, but my daughter hasn’t seen him since last year. She doesn’t like him & doesn’t want to hear from him. But this has made her more emotional and confused and angry, her anger is about him but I get every bad mood, temper, difficulty every day. I could see this happening years ago but was told I need to sort my boundaries and work on myself. Family just see her as being badly behaved & my 2 kids just don’t get along at all.
But all that said, she has been in the middle of a few years of him emotionally & verbally abusing us, and she says herself that it taught her that to get her own way, she can just be difficult and it works. She hates that side of herself though. My ex husband is so different to me and she doesn’t want to be like him, but I’m sure she feels that she is and it’s such conflicting, confusing feelings. I’ve tried being calm these last few years but that way, I just get walked all over.
My daughter’s school are trying to get her in with the school counsellor. She’s very open with me, but very pessimistic, down and every day is a struggle for both of us. I’m so anxious all the time and am terribly jumpy, it seems to be getting worse. I’m sure she can see whats going on.
I tell her every day (I tell them both), that I lovd her and always will. I feel she needs that safe, secure environment here, but she’s also fighting against it. I am really worried for her long term mental health. She’s not quite a teenager yet, I have years of this. I just don’t know what to do anymore.
Gosh, I’ve gone on a bit there. I started typing so I could write something supportive!
I’ll watch this thread to see what anyone else may suggest.
I wish you all the luck in the world x

[cakepops]

I have very similar issues with my son, who is also nowhere near puberty age. The GP has been very helpful and has referred to various services for support. I ensure I update my ex at every stage because that keeps me in control of what is happening (instead of worrying he will find out). You will also need his permission to refer to some services, or if he refuses you can take it to court.

Are the issues directly after contact? If so make sure you keep a diary of this. Having the issues logged with GP will also mean if you end up in court looking at changing contact there is evidence to support you.

Some women’s aid services offer support or groups for young people so that’s another possible option to get help. You wouldn’t need ex’s permission for this.

[Anonymous]

Hello thanks for your posts, it’s kind of you to share your thoughts and I am Really sorry to hear that you have or have suffered from similar issues. I don’t know what I’m going to do apart from keep trying to reassure her and not show how hurt I am when she is rejecting, disrespectful or aggressive. I know she is confused and hurting inside and feels like things are out of her control. Neither of my children understand how toxic and manipulative their dad is. They see him a lot and this prevents any healing or recovery. I do keep a record of things but he sees them regularly so it’s hard to link directly to contact with him. Just wondering why it’s ok not to tell him about any input the children receive from domestic abuse services… just in case this is an option. I think she would probably tell him anyway and he’d demand to know about it.

[Put the kettle on]

Hi livinginhope,
I have similar issues too. My only suggestion is things like giving options, “you can have A or B for tea, you can chose” I don’t mean that to sound patronising, I personally think the kids (basing it on my own) need a bit of control over a few things as it must be tough on them. They go between parents and get little say in it, it must be tough on them.
On the subject of counseling for kids certainly see what your doctor recommends or suggests and I think it’s confidential too what the child says. The ex might find out about counseling but it’s about what’s best for your child/children

[Author]

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