Young family and unsure what is going on

[Bambe]

Hi. I’ve been with my husband for over (detail removed by Moderator) years, we got together very young and obviously we have both changed a lot since. We now have a gorgeous girl and baby boy. I love my babies more than anything and they keep me going. I have over the past year experienced my husband call me many names or re act a lot worst about something minor (in my eyes).
He is a hot head and I know his mum and dads relationship wasn’t great as they could go months without talking over something as easy as a banana.
I feel it’s too the point where I’m constantly on edge and can’t be my true self cause I’m unsure what is going to trigger him to sulk or argue with me. When we argue he is always the one to bring any issue up whether it’s not enough sex, not exciting enough sex, I don’t love or appreciate him(as I’m a stay at home mum with age (detail removed by Moderator) and (detail removed by Moderator) old), I’m not affectionate enough, my family don’t have any drive (they all work and I’m extremely close with my family, they don’t care about money just family). He’s self employed and very ambitious- I think it bothers him that as long as I’m making memories and my children happy I’m ok where he wants us to have a big house nice lifestyles etc (bit of a show off really).
So for instance he will raise an issue that I slammed a door and I’m in a mood- if I try to explain I’m not and I don’t slam a door I’ve previously been yelled at in a car with my babies and he called me a ‘f***ing liar’ at this time my poor little girl was saying stop daddy. This morning he has tried to hug me (I feel like he’s looking for sex) at (detail removed by Moderator). I have been up with my baby during the night so do not like getting woken up by him especially if it’s to fulfil his needs. He is now up and sulking and this will last all day. If not tomorrow too. If I ask if he’s ok I’ll get an argue thrown at me, if I ignore it he will stew and think I don’t care.
He has questioned my sanity, called me delusional/ sensitive/ selfish etc but I’m unsure if he is controlling/manipulative as some days he is lovely. I’m at a stage now where my little girl will pick up everything and I can’t allow her to think this is ok either way.

Just wanted to know any thoughts from an outsider as my family think he’s crazy, on & off like a light bulb, he gaslight me so on- but I’m unsure if they just hear my side and have my side.

We say love you when we leave the room to each other and the other day he got out of the shower went into our bedroom and I went straight into the toilet without going in our room to say hello to him and that annoyed him? I personally can’t see why he would raise these things with me. I’d think nothing of it.

We said we would give it a (detail removed by Moderator) a (detail removed by Moderator) back to see how we get on with my hormones everywhere (he tried telling me I was postnatally depressed but instead of it being towards the children I’m like it with him. He gets very jealous how close I am with our babies but I’m a stay at home mum, he’s barely home and when he is we argue.

He had never been violent but will tell me to shut the f**k up, call me names and question my sanity but there are some awful stories that I’ve read on here and I feel awful I’m putting my version up as I feel like it could be me who pushes his buttons but I don’t know how to stop it, it confuses me, he contradicts himself so I’m unsure how he wants me to be or do.

I’m trying, I know I’m moody- that is all I think I could do wrong, I would never swear at him never mind question his sanity. My moodiness would be from a bad day and I will explain so he’s aware- I forget sometimes im having a hard time from him (massively at the mo) a teething baby and a tantruming toddler and just wish for him to understand and help rather than knock me down. It’s becoming every 3 days or so where I’m going something wrong.

[Darcy]

Hi my beautiful angel…Bambe,
Well done for posting, don’t ever apologise or feel bad for what you are feeling.
You’re feelings are valid.
You sound exhausted my darling from trying to do your best to bring up your young family. This is a 24 hour job on its own so first give yourself some much deserved and long over due credit for what you are doing
Your partner questioning your sanity, saying about hormones etc is classic abusive behaviour, they try to make you think you have gone mad… and when you are going at 100 miles an hour like you sound to be its easy just to believe it… but it is not true.
You are definitely right in being concerned how this will be starting to effect your children, they will pick up on the bad energy even if they cannot verbalise it
Your family also sounds like they have a good measure of him and also sound like they realise what is important in life … family … not fancy things.
Can you start connecting with them more? When you start to get insolated which is what abusers like to do, you only have their opinion as a guide to what’s ‘right and wrong’
I personally don’t think this sounds like a healthy situation for you or your children and you do need to think about your options… telling you to just to leave would be easy for me to say but a little harder for you to do.
That said start to get the wheels rolling… what are your options? Think about your children? Think about yourself… is this the life you want to continue living?
I would advise you to sit quietly for a minute or two even if it is just in the bathroom, give yourself some head space, and let the voices in your head tell you the answers, get clear on your thoughts because if you don’t your partner will just continue to spin your head more and more and you’ll get lost in his thoughts and lose your own.
I’m sure some of the other ladies on here will give you some great advice on more legal stuff and organisations that can help, but without you being physically and mentally strong from the inside out you will not be able to make any changes.
Start working on your self love and self worth, this will strengthen your boundaries and start to change what you are willing to put up with.
Sending you love and support
Darcy xx

[ChangeOfPlan]

Hi Bambe, It is so tough as it is with young children and little sleep and I think unfortunately some men take advantage of our exhaustion in trying to convince us we are delusion, too sensitive etc. I can totally relate to things being blamed on hormones. This happened to me too. I was depressed due to relationship problems but because I had a baby recently it was diagnosed as post-natal depression. Whenever I said I was upset at so. Etching my husband did from the on, he always told me I wasn’t really upset at him, it was just my hormones, or my mental illness. Your situation sounds so similar in many ways. Stay strong. You know it’s not PND if it’s related to him and the relationship rather than general anxiety and depression related to life with the baby. Don’t let someone else define how you are feeling inside or should be feeling. Your true feelings are important and they are telling you what is good for you or not.

[ChangeOfPlan]

*something… not Etching…. Sorry phone typing

[Bambe]

Thank you both for your kind & supportive words. I have no clue where to begin as I have no job, money, car of my own etc. But thank goodness I have my family.

I will start the ball moving and make a difference for my children, especially my little girl who at times you can tell she’s been around this awful behaviour.
He’s really on one today barely spoken a word to me, Covid doesn’t make it any easier but I have formed a support bubble with my mum due to have 2 under the age of 5.

Change of plan I hope you are in a good place- are you still in the relationship?

[Darcy]

You sound positive so try and keep the momentum going my angel
Use your family if this is a safe place, especially for your children.
Your family may not understand fully as it is hard for anyone to who has not been through it. However don’t hold this against them, at times you may get frustrated, just use them to help you and be grateful you have them.
I had no job when I left my ex… in fact I had no clothes… I left with only my car and my dog and the clothes I had on! But the most important thing I gained was my freedom… all the other stuff can be re-built.
If you are going round to your mums, maybe start to take some special things of the children’s or important documents, little at a time so he doesn’t notice.
Don’t look at what you haven’t got, just start the ball rolling with what you have … your intention and focus is what matters.
I use to say over and over in my head, ”I’m going to have it all again and more”& now I have. I also use to whisper in my dogs ear that we would be going home to my parents soon… it came true
Stay safe and keep your children safe
Stay connected on the forum
D xx

[Muddyboots]

Oh Bambe, reading your stuff feels like a mirror image of my life. I had the same, the going on and on about how Unfair the lack of sex was when we had small kids and no sleep, how the smallest things could set him off, but other times he could be so kind and affectionate. Over the last few years we have had counselling and conversations about how he frightens me sometimes, and he even agreed to get anger management but never did. He’s told me and the kids to f*ck off and called us names, and when I have said it isn’t ok he’s told me I was over reacting, or I had started it, or work was stressful. He said I was stupid to be frightened because he’d never lay a finger on me. Then he started calling me a bully and abusive. And in between all this we would have some nice times. Then a few months ago he got angry and hit me. Afterwards he blamed me for winding him up after he’d had a really bad day. He said I exaggerated what happened, that it hadn’t been that hard. But I had a bruise that came up later and he couldn’t deny that, he just ignored it. In some ways I am so glad it left a mark, cos otherwise right now, I would have convinced myself that it wasn’t that bad, that probably there was something I could have done differently, that it was just a one off… even though I have the evidence I still can’t believe I am in an abusive relationship, I’m still trying to make it work. I keep finding myself hoping he’ll hit me again so that I can feel certain I should leave him. That probably sounds mad, but I’m so confused, I so desperately want to believe that now he is being nice and kind again that it’s all water under the bridge and things will be better but there’s a bit in my brain that won’t let me trust or relax. So I’m in limbo. The two books that have opened my eye are “the verbally abusive relationship
“ and “why does he do that” – the first one in particular highlighted loads of things that I had thought were part of a normal relationship but are actually abusive. It’s been really painful because it’s made me realise that this relationship that has been a defining part of my adulthood and my sense of self worth has never been what I thought it was. What I haven’t figured out yet is whether it can or should be saved. The best bit of advice I’ve read is: focus on your feelings – If you’re feeling bad after something he has said or done, and you don’t feel able to talk to him about it, if you don’t feel emotionally safe, then something abusive has just/is happening. Sorry for the long post, you sound like you’re doing amazingly, your kids are super lucky to have a mum who nurtures and protects them and will make sure they are exposed to things that are good for them, even if it’s really hard for her. Your post has really helped me xx

[gettingtired]

Hey Muddyboots, I can really relate to your comment. I’m still stuck in it too and sometimes think I’d feel more certain on the decision to leave if he went really balistic on me. He’s mostly manipulative and verbally/emotionally abusive but there have been big bl*w ups in the past where he’s been physical and nasty. In reality we shouldn’t need a reason to justify leaving at all. It’s so hard though isn’t it? On one hand I’m yearning to be away from him and have my own life but on the other I feel true despair and sadness thinking about the reality. Which is that he will never change. Hope you’re doing ok xx

[Bambe]

Muddy boots just came on as still in the same rut. I wondered what position you’re in?

I hope your well.

X

[gettingtired]

Hello, I’m sorry to hear you’re struggling.
He sounds like a typical abuser. Please know it’s nothing you’re doing wrong. I really recommend the book Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft. It’s a huge eye opener x*x

[Bambe]

Thank you all so much for commenting. Muddy boots & gettingtired I really can relate.
Sorry I’ve not had a minute to myself lol…

Oh my goodness it’s happening again and so clearly this time. He’s been very off all weekend and when I asked why it had been so awful today (he didn’t speak to me unless he had too and when he did it was with a tone) he said Ive been ignoring him, I don’t go to kiss or hug him, he’s speaking and it’s going in one ear out the other, my family came up.

He was going forward and back with what he was saying like he didn’t clearly know himself. He thinks I don’t love him. so I said I needed a week apart because I can’t go on like this. With it being our daughters birthday soon he’s wanting to wait till after?! Unsure what to do or how to be.

My steps are moving quicker than I expected but I’ve ordered my first book ‘you can heal your life’ and I’ve also got a solicitor who’s been suggested through a family member who I’ll call tomorrow and hopefully arrange a free hour appointment.

It’s heartbreaking and very serious this time. But the way I’ve felt all day is not healthy and after hearing from you and realising that this will more than likely progress worst than change and isn’t normal will hopefully push me on. I’m so young and have so much going that I want to enjoy and soak in every moment which I’ve realised im really not and weeks/months are flying by.

Thank you all for your support sorry I’m blabbering on.. you’ve all helped so much and didn’t feel so alone.

[Bambe]

I’m unsure why.. maybe it’s for the peace of mind- but I’ve started to log anything that he brings up and behaves a certain way in my calendar on my phone.

It jumps out how much it’s taking over etc might help it sink in more if you can see it written down. But obviously please don’t if it may get you into trouble.x

[ChangeOfPlan]

Hi Bambe, I am so glad to hear you have support from your family at this time, especially as it can be really hard to see friends at the moment with covid. It can also be very difficult to explain to friends about the seriousness of the situation, with it being a general pattern of behaviour from him. I kept finding that if I just told a friend one or 2 things that had happened they would seem to find excuses and reasons why it could just be normal relationship stuff. I am a few months out and left in a state of mental ill health (extremely panicky and depressed) , with just a few possessions, a bag of clothes and a car (fortunately). I am gradually getting back on my feet but every day is still a struggle as the situation is still ongoing.
It sounds like you are doing all the right things and continuing to put your children first. I hope you can arrive at a place of emotional safety and find some peace and calm for yourself and the children very soon. You deserve it!

[ICanDoThis22]

Well done for posting. Everything you’ve mentioned is classic manipulation, abuse and control. As soon as you start thinking “Maybe it’s me”, it’s a case of abuse because you’ve done nothing wrong. It’s confusing when there are days where he’s so loving and caring and you start thinking “Maybe things aren’t as bad as I was making them out to be”. He should be like this EVERY DAY! As soon as you feel something isn’t right, it probably isn’t right and you should trust your instincts.
Your husband sounds identical to mine (I’m planning to leave again soon) and your family’s feelings towards him are identical to mine as well. Listen to them and keep them close as you need your support network.

[Bambe]

I finally got strong enough to tell him I’m wanting to go our separate ways. Stupid of me really, as I should have just started the divorce by calling a solicitor as it blew up as expected but the next day was so so nice. Sending pictures telling me we had good times and he lost sight of everything he has. Full 360.

Without him asking my feelings and considering I said I wanted to go our separate ways he’s still thinking we’re going to get through this. He’s making more effort with the children and is now off work so he’s around a lot more which is killing me as I have no space.

He always seems to have no work when he knows I’ll be home/around.

He went to therapy (detail removed by Moderator) who said she sees ADHD and autism in him. I’ve suggest ADHD previously but he seems to be listening to her. He’s know saying give it 6 months, I’m unsure whether I’m past it now and I just need to walk away but breaking my family up kills me. Although it’s me and the children already (kind of a broken family) from what he’s saying he’s going to get the love off them instead of me. Unsure what’s best.

[Hereforhelp]

Hi Bambe, it is so difficult when your partner switches it again..in your case he has sensed that you are changing towards him and he is trying to reel you back in. He will not change.. I spent over (detail removed by Moderator) decades and my ex didn’t change, he just got better at confusing my already muddled mind.. he told me I was mad, he used my past (personal upset I have had in my life before I met him) against me.. it took me (detail removed by Moderator) attempts for him to actually leave (he used every excuse, started therapy and telling me he was suddenly better, all lies).

It is irrelevant if he has ADHD or Autism of any kind, his abusive behaviours are nothing to do with being on the spectrum.

My ex really laid on the ‘you’re ripping our family apart’ just give Me another chance to see how I have changed’.. we have 2 children, teenagers.. it wasn’t me who ripped anything apart it was ny husband with his abuse. Both my children were impacted, he wasn’t physically violent, he was intimidating, financially controlling, controlling, manipulation, gaslignting .. all of it.. they know what they are doing which is why they hide it from others. So good that your family are close/supportive…

When planning to leave an abuser it is the most dangerous time for you and your children.. your partner has already sensed and is being ‘nice’ .. he should be nice all the time, not just as a ploy to keep you there under the pretence that he has suddenly changed.. he hasn’t , he will use whatever tactics to get to you, he knows which buttons to press with you, don’t believe a word he says as he will say anything to keep you there for his needs. I left mine over (detail removed by Moderator) ago.. both my children are receiving counselling, being raised in a walking on eggshells home environment affected both my children.. they will be ok as I have been zero contact for sometime…

If you do visit another solicitor or professional it is advised not to tell your partner if they are abusive…

Big hugs ❤️

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